Lyrical Analysis - Avril Lavigne's "Smile"

*Caution: This song contains extremely harsh language. I'll censor it in my post, but I'll also post a link to the song. If you are easily offended, don't listen to the song.*

Hello and welcome to Lyrical Analysis, where at first I felt bad for a while, but now I just smile.

Oh hey, not only does Avril Lavigne apparently still exist, but she released not one but TWO Jormunga- sorry, singles at the same time. One of them was "What the H***" which, as I said, although it's lyrics were far from great, the song wasn't that bad at all.

The other was Smile. No, not that smile. You know how "What the H***" was her song about how innocent and good she'd been her whole life? This single is about what she's actually like.

So, without any further ado, let's dive right into "Smile" by Avril Lavigne.

"You know that I'm a crazy b****"

This is the first line of the song. She could have gone with any line to be the introduction to her song, and this is the one she picked.

Ah well, at least she's acknowledging it.

"I do what I want when I feel like it"

Yeah, I wasn't kidding. This is a song about what she's actually like.

"All I want to do is lose control/Oh oh"

But if losing control is what you want, and you then lose control, technically aren't you controlling yourself by losing control, thus keeping in control?

Ugh. 13 seconds in and already my head hurts.

"But you don't really give a s***"

Hey look, arbitrary and forced swearing that exists for no reason.

"You don't let it go/Let it go with it/'Cause you're f***ing crazy rock 'n roll"

ALRIGHT THIS HAS TO BE ADDRESSED.

Look folks, I can handle swearing in songs. Heck, I did a whole post about why "F*** You" was less offensive than "California Gurls". But see, if there's going to be swearing in a song, it should at least be there for a reason. In "F*** You", at least the swear is there because honestly, that's a very succinct way of conveying exactly how Cee-Lo feels about this girl.

Here, she's just swearing because her image demands it. Also, f*** is her favorite word, apparently. Anyways, it annoys me when artists swear for the sake of swearing. I don't like it, it only comes across as forced and makes the character in the song less likable... And it's just dumb and unnecessary.

"You-ou said hey/What's your name?/It took one look/and now I'm not the same"

"You-ou"? What?

"Yeah you said hey"

Don't you mean "You-ou"?

"And since that day/You stole my heart/And you're the one to blame"

Well yeah, no duh. I'd assume if HE stole your heart that HE would be the one to blame. That's just a tautology. It's like saying, "You drew a picture, so the picture was drawn by you."

A=B, thus B=A. Duh.

"Yeah and that's whyyyy/I smile/It's been a while/Since every day/And everything has felt this right"

WAY. THE WORD YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS WAY. NOT RIGHT. WAY. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. 3 LETTER WORD. ONE SYLLABLE. RHYMES WITH DAY. YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

"And now/You turn it all around/And suddenly/You're all I need/The reason why/I-I-I/I smile/I-I"

I like to think this is the song she wrote for her boyfriend immediately before cheating on him in "What the H***".

"Last night I blacked out I think"

You don't know if you blacked out? How's that work? It seems pretty obvious to me, if you remember the night before you did not, if you don't remember it, you did. Not a lot of gray area here.

"What did you/What did you/Put in my drink"

Real catch you've got there Avril.

"I remember making out and then/Oh oh/I woke up with a new tattoo/Your name was on me/And my name was on you"

HOORAY FOR MAKING MAJOR LIFE DECISIONS WHILE INTOXICATED!!!!!

"I would do it all over again"

Yep folks, that's right, she'd get drugged and get the name of a guy she just met tattooed on herself while completely wasted AND drugged again if she could.

"You-ou said hey"

Seriously the way she says "You-ou" is SOOOOO IRRITATING!

"What's your name?/It took one look and/Now I'm not the same/Yeah you said hey/And since that day/You stole my heart/And you're the one to blame"

Still a dumb line.

"Yeah and that's why/I smile/It's been awhile/Since every day/and everything has felt this right"

WAY IS STILL THE WORD YOU ARE LOOKING FOR YOU MORON.

"You turn it all around/And suddenly/You're all I need/The reason why/I smile/I-I-I/I smile/I-I/I smile/I-I-I/I smile"

Oh yeah, and this repetition of "I-I-I" is really annoying too, by the way.

"You know that I'm a crazy b****/I do what I want/When I feel like it/All I want to do is lose control (x2)"

Oh joy, I was just thinking "Hey, this song could use some more arbitrary swearing."

"And that's why/I smile/It's been awhile/Since every day/and everything has felt this right/And now/You turn it all around/And suddenly/You're all I need/The reason why/I-I-I/I smile/I-I-I/Smile"

And thus ends Avril Lavigne's single "Smile". What an idiotic song. That said, it makes a lot of sense that she'd sing this, as opposed to "What the H***". This actually sounds like her.

Seriously, it's an annoying song with arbitrary swearing every which way, and overall idiotic lyrics including a spot where there easily COULD have been a rhyme, but WASN'T.

Well, hopefully I'll be done covering Avril Lavigne for awhile. Hopefully next time I look for a song, this "Punk Rock Princess" will be in another castle.

Lyrical Analysis - Miley Cyrus' "7 Things"

Hello and welcome to Lyrical Analysis where there are more than 7 things I hate about bad music.

Miley Cyrus. Folks, this won't win me any awards, but I have to say... I really don't hate Miley Cyrus. Yeah. I mean, she's not great by any means, but I never found her music offensively bad, with just a few exceptions, and some of her stuff is even kinda catchy.

I'll admit I don't follow celebrity news, so I don't know all that much about her or any of the things shes gotten flak for but I try not to judge musicians by tabloids anyways so... Yeah. I honestly don't understand all the people who mock her. Heck, she's a lot more talented than some pop music artists. Insert your own joke about Justin Bieber here.

So really, I don't hate Miley Cyrus. I find most of her music tolerable. Most of her music. Enter "7 Things".



This song just irks me. So without further ado... Ugh... "7 Things".

"I probably shouldn't say this/But at times I get so scared/When I think about the previous/Relationship we've shared"

Hoo boy. First of all, you're rhyming "Say this" and "Previous"? Really? I mean... That's a stretch.

Second, think about this. She's saying "When I think about the previous relationship we shared." referring to an earlier time in their relationship... Except that doesn't work. It's the SAME relationship, just later on in it. It's not a "previous relationship" unless it was with another person.

"It was awesome/But we lost it/It's not possible for me not to care/Now we're standing in the rain/But nothing's ever gonna change until you hear/My dear"

Ok, just to point it out, I actually do like the way she sings this one line. Not enough to save the song, but still worth pointing out.

"The 7 things I hate about you"(x2)"

OH GOD HERE IT IS. Ugh. Now let me say, I actually think her voice kind of works in the slower parts of the song. Again, it's not great, but it's kind of... Ok. I like it.

Aaaand then she starts singing here and you can hear the strain in her voice. It's not good. Not good at all.

"You're vain" 1. "Your games" 2. "You're insecure" 3.

Really Miley? You're saying he's insecure? On a track where you're singing about how much you hate him for playing games with you? ...No, I'm not going to point out the issue there, if you can't figure it out for yourself you're hopeless.

(Not to mention, from what I've heard Miley has had several pictures of questionable morality posted online, so bonus points for calling him "insecure" there too.)

"You love me/You like her" 4. "You make me laugh/You make me cry" 5.

Oh. Ok. It would seem she's listing things she likes as well. Sure. Why not.

Also, she sounds very possessive here. YOU ACKNOWLEDGE ANOTHER GIRL EXISTS? YOU MUST DIIIIIIEEEEE...

Yeah. I dunno, she doesn't imply he actually cheated on her so... Kinda seems clingy.

"I don't know which side to buy"

This line irritates me, but to be honest I don't know why, so I'll let it slide.

"Your friends they're jerks"

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING ABOUT HIM. THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE CHORUS IS TO LIST THINGS ABOUT HIM. NOT HIS FRIENDS. YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

"And when you act like them" 6? "Just know it hurts"

NO THIS DOESN'T EXCUSE THE LAST LINE BECAUSE IT'S STILL STUPID TO BRING HIS FRIENDS INTO THIS WHEN YOU JUST COULD HAVE SAID HE ACTS LIKE A JERK.

"I wanna be/With the one I know"

Sounds like you are. It sounds like he's a jerk.

"And the seventh thing/I hate the most that you do"

Ready for it? READY FOR IT? The seventh thing?! Are you ready? ARE YOU EXCITED? What could it be? What

"You make me love you" 7?!

Everybody altogether now! D'AWWWWWWWWWWWW!

In case you weren't following my number tally, one of my big problems with this song is she lists so many positive AND negative things in her "7 Things" that it can be hard to tell what the actual "7 Things" are. Especially when one of them is that he makes her LOVE him. Sure, I managed to map out 7 things... But when you're listing 7 things you hate, you can't just add things from another list to it.

It just doesn't work. You throw out things you LIKE about him while listing things you hate. IT'S. CONFUSING. YOU NEED FOCUS MILEY. FOCUS. It would be like if I started reviewing a completely different song in the middle of one of these Lyrical Analysis articles.

Anyways, moving on.

"I whip my hair back and forth/I whip my hair back and forth"

As you can see the main problem with the chorus of "Whip My Hair" is that... It's not even really music. It's like some strange Eldritch horror that was somehow turned into music. Obviously the only reason "Whip My Hair" exists, much like the main reason Jaden Smith has an acting career, is because Will Smith decided his daughter needed a singing career. The difference, of course, is that Jaden Smith is actually a talented actor, whereas Willow Smith relies on autotune to the point where this song could actually make your ears bleed.

YOU SEE?! IT'S CONFUSING! YOU HAVE TO PICK SOMETHING TO FOCUS ON! YOU HAVE TO PICK A TOPIC AND FINISH THAT TRAIN OF THOUGH BEFORE SWITCHING TO ANOTHER TRAIN OF THOUGHT OR ELSE IT RESULTS IN NOTHING BUT

"It's awkward and it's silent/As I wait for you to say/What I need to hear now/Your sincere apology"

You know, we still haven't exactly heard what it is DID that he has to apologize for. Just really vague things like "He's vain". Or "His friends are jerks". Or of course the crowning achievement of EVIL, "He makes her love him".

"When you mean it/I'll believe it/If you text it/I'll delete it"

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. You got burned by Miley Cyrus. *Snicker*

"Let's be clear/Well I'm not coming back/You're taking the 7 steps here"

Fun fact: Alcoholism takes 12 steps, mending a relationship with Miley Cyrus only takes 7.

And then we get the abysmal chorus again. It's exactly the same here, so I'm skipping ahead.

Now, you're probably saying, "Gee, that's not so bad. I mean sure, it's stupid, but it's not THAT stupid."

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the last verse and chorus.

"And compared to all the great things/That would take too long to write/I probably should mention/The 7 that I like"

What. I know it's just a grammar error here and she got across what she wanted but... "Compared to the great things, let me list the 7... great things." Really Miley? Really? REALLY?

"The 7 things I like about you!"

Ugh. Fine. So tell us, what are these 7 things that are SO GREAT about this guy that they outweigh all the bad stuff? You know, like how he's vain.

"Your hair" 1. "Your eyes" 2. "Your old levi's" 3. "When we kiss I'm hypnotized" 4.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, the first 4 things she likes are his hair, eyes, his pants, and the fact that he's a good kisser.

And HE'S the one who's freaking vain.

SCREW THIS SONG!!!!!!!!! Seriously. Let's assume for a moment the line "You love me/You like her" DID mean he cheated on her. Now look at the reasons she likes him. OVER HALF THE FREAKING LIST ARE PURELY THINGS ABOUT VANITY. No wonder he cheated on her! She's the shallowest person on the planet! (Note: I still don't condone cheating on someone for any reason whatsoever.)

"You make me laugh" 5. "You make me cry/I guess that's both I'll have to buy"

And once again her lists LACKS ANY FREAKING DIRECTION.

"Your hands in mine/When they're intertwined/Everything's alright" 6. "I wanna be with the one I know"

Does being a good... Erm... Hand holder... Count as vanity? Because if so, 5/7ths of this list are things which are purely vanity.

"And the seventh thing/I like the most that you do"

Like you don't already know what it is.

"You make me love you"

Yeah there's a shock.

Miley, I really don't hate you or your music. "Party in the U.S.A." is fun, though the lyrics are a bit stupid, and even some of the Hannah Montana songs are tolerable... But good grief this song is awful. Seriously. Just... Awful. Your singing is strained and painful to listen to, and of course you accuse him of being vain, then reveal yourself to be the shallowest person on the planet.

I don't hate you, I even want to like you, but this song is a dud, plain and simple. I know it's a few years old now, and I don't know what of hers is more recent (I THINK "Party in the U.S.A." is) but hopefully it's better than this because... Wow.

This song is just plain BAD.

Lyrical Analysis - Avril Lavigne's "What the H***"

*Caution: The song I'm reviewing today, in case you didn't read the title of the blog post, has mild language in it. If you're going to be offended, don't listen to the video of the song I post.*

Hello, and welcome to Lyrical Analysis, I analyze it so you don't have to. IT'S A REFERENCE NOT A RIPOFF SHUTUP.

Hey folks, let's talk about Avril Lavigne for a moment shall we?

I really hate Avril Lavigne. Avril Lavigne is a pop singer who, even if you don't know her by name, you'd probably recognize a few of her songs such as "Girlfriend" (Harsh language), "Complicated", or the irritatingly titled, "Sk8er Boi".

The thing about Avril Lavigne that I find so odd is that, I don't really hate her music. Most of it, anyways. But good grief, her image, and her personality... Enough to make me despise her. Also, she released "Girlfriend". I hate "Girlfriend". Freakin' earworm...

Anyways, I had honestly thought (perhaps it was just wishful thinking...) she'd started to fade into obscurity. Imagine my surprise when I looked at the top 100 music charts looking for fodder for this post, and found that, shock and awe, she was sitting at the 23rd most popular song. Huh.

So then I gave a listen to the charmingly titled "What the H***". And I started laughing. True story.

Why would a song by Avril Lavigne make me laugh, you might ask? Well, what the heck, let's listen to "What the H***".

"You say/That I'm messing with your head/Yeah yeah/Yeah yeah/All 'cause/I was making out with your friends"

Oh is THAT all...

Great friends, by the way.

"Yeah yeah/Yeah yeah"

"Complicated" said "No, no, no", this says "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah". I eagerly await her next single which will feature repetitions of the word "Maybe" in the chorus.

"Love hurts/Whether it is right or wrong/Yeah yeah/Yeah yeah"

Oh god, it's going to do that "Yeah, yeah" thing the whole song isn't it? Give me a second I need to prepare myself...

...Sigh...

Alright, next line.

"I can't stop/'Cause I'm having too much fun/Yeah yeah/Yeah yeah"

Just be glad she doesn't enjoy driving.

"You're on your knees/Begging please/Stay with me"

Sure, why not, you only cheated on him, why would he ever want you to go away? By the way, I love how Avril is played up to be the GOOD GUY of the song, as though her boyfriend was somehow smothering her by not wanting her to make out with other guys.

"But honestly/I just need to be/A little crazy"

Mission accomplished. Several times over.

"All my life I've been good/But now/Woooooah/I'm thinking/What the h***"

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT HOLD ON WAIT WAIT WAIT. "All my life I've been good"? Really? You're Avril La-freakin'-vigne, and you're trying to sing a song about how innocent you are? I'm sorry, but no one that released "Girlfriend" gets to talk about how innocent they are.

Seriously. You have a reputation for being a rebellious "punk rock princess" (say that without gagging, I dare you), you JUST CAN'T MAKE A SONG WITH THE LINE "All my life I've been good"! It doesn't work that way! You can't do it!

Wikipedia has an entire section of your article dedicated to your tattoos! And according to that same page, you have the f-bomb tattooed on your chest! And you said that's your favorite word!

That's like 3OH!3 releasing a song about not being a pretentious jerk. It's like if Cee-Lo were to now release a song called "I'm Sorry and I Should Have Watched My Language!" That's like if Justin Bieber made a song that didn't suck! IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! YOU CANNOT JUST DO THAT!

GAH! Just... Next lyric...

"All I want/Is to mess around"

Ok see, now you're sounding more like Avril Lavigne.

"And I don't really care about/If you love me/If you hate me/You can't save me/Baby, baby"

Save you from...?

"All my life/I've been good/But now/Wooooah/What the h***"

Seriously. I get that you wanted to make a song about cutting loose, and just being yourself without caring about what people think of you. That's noble. BUT YOU DON'T GET TO TALK ABOUT IT IN PRESENT TENSE WHEN YOU'RE AVRIL LAVIGNE. GRRRRRAAAAAGGGHHHH...

"What, what, what, what the h***?"

Charming.

"So what/If I go out on a million date/Yeah yeah/Yeah yeah"

OK CUT THAT OUT IT'S REALLY GOTTEN OLD

"You never called/Or listened to me any way/Yeah yeah/Yeah yeah"

Ok, then break up with him. That's fine. If he really wouldn't listen to you, you had every right to be angry and break up with him.

...You did not have the right to FREAKING CHEAT ON HIM!

"I'd rather rage/Than sit around and rage all day/Yeah yeah/Yeah yeah"

I'D RATHER RAGE THAN LISTEN TO THESE IRRITATING "Yeah, yeah"'S BETWEEN EVERY FREAKING LYRIC. SO I WILL!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111!!!!11!!!one!!!

"Don't get me wrong/I just need some time to play"

You've had time to play Avril. It's called "Your entire life thus far".

"You're on your knees/Begging please/Stay with me"

I think he's probably singing "Love Me" to her.

"But honestly/I just need to be/A little crazy/All my life I've been good/But now/Woooooah/I'm thinking/What the h***/All I want/Is to mess around/And I don't really care about/If you love me/If you hate me/You can't save me/Baby, baby"

"La la la la la/Woah Woah"

Random noises!

"You say/That I'm messing with your head/Boy/I like messing in your bed/Yeah/I'm messing with your head/When I'm messing with you in bed"

And remember folks, this is her song about how innocent and good she's been her whole life.

"All my life I've been good/But now/Woooooah/I'm thinking/What the h***/All I want/Is to mess around/And I don't really care about (x2)/If you love me/If you hate me/You can't save me/Baby, baby/All my life I've been good/But now/Woooooah/What the h***/La la la la la la la"

And that's the end. THIS SONG... Doesn't really suck. Yeah.

I mean, the lyrics are BAD, but honestly, the worst part about them is they picked the worst possible singer. If I had gone into this song never having heard of Avril Lavigne before (I call such a place "Heaven") I wouldn't have taken nearly as much issue with the song as I do.

True, I don't approve of playing up the CHEATER to be the GOOD GUY in ANY song, but... Compared to some of Avril Lavigne's other stuff, this is like... Great. The music works well enough, and the "yeah/yeah"s are annoying but she uses them JUUUUUST sparingly enough to keep them from being TOO irritating.

I enjoyed this song more than I thought I would. As opposed to Bieber's work which irritates me, or 3OH!3's which enrages me, I actually found this song enjoyable to listen to. Not great, but certainly not terrible.

I still haven't forgiven Avril for "Girlfriend" though. Ugh.

Lyrical Analysis - Rebecca Black's "Friday"

Hello, and welcome to Lyrical Analysis, where I'm trying something a little different today.

Folks, some of you may have heard of a new phenomenon sweeping the nation. And if people catch Bieber Fever, I have to reason that this new fascination should be dubbed the Black Plague.

I'm speaking of course of the pure unadulterated GENIUS that is Rebecca Black and her new single that's been rising up the charts, "Friday".

I know, I know, those of you familiar with the song are undoubtedly saying to yourselves right now, "Don't you usually review BAD songs?" Well, that is true, but people a song like "Friday" only comes along once a generation, and I can't let such an opportunity pass me by. Every generation has an artist that DEFINES them. The Beatles, for example. Rebecca Black is undoubtedly such an artist.

Without further ado, "Friday". I warn you, don't listen to it all at once. A genius work such as this only come along so often, and if you don't pace yourself it IS possible to overdose on such genius.



What can really be said about such a work of inspiration? I don't know if I can even begin to explain all the reasons why this song is phenomenal, but I suppose I should try.

Before I start speaking about the words doubtlessly straight from the lips of angels that are the lyrics, allow me to comment on a few other aspects of this song and video.

First, her voice. The monotone she sings in doubtlessly signifies the deep depression many people in America try to conceal. The fact that the heavy autotune can't change her voice's monotone clearly represents that though America tries to conceal their depression, no one can fully conceal it forever.

The video itself is also a work of genius which hasn't been seen outside of the post-90's era animation works of Don Bluth. For example, the obviously underage drivers of the automobile in the beginning of the video clearly represent how many people are not emotionally mature in today's world, though they are physically mature, and perhaps considers for a moment that perhaps a reworking of the system which gives licenses out should be re-examined? The flipbook effect partway through the video represents how weeks can quickly change into months, months into years, and years into decades. As Rebecca sings about Friday, she begs you to slow down and enjoy yourself before your life passes you by.

But the lyrics are what you've come from. Honestly, there's no way I can do justice to such a work of inspiration which I can only assume to be divine, but I can try.

We begin with a repetition of "Yeah" for around 10 seconds. Normally I don't like repetition in a song, but here it shows the uncontainable optimism Black holds for the song, and the day in front of her. It works.

"7 AM/Wakin' Up in the morning/Gotta be fresh/Gotta go downstairs"

Right off the bat Black hits us with the heavy stuff, as she sings of the start of her day. 7 AM. She awakens. Once more she puts on the mask of a happy individual. A fresh face, behind a truly withering soul. "Gotta go downstairs" likely refers to the descent from her dreams into the harshness of reality. Powerful stuff most songwriters would wait a few lines in to get to, but Black is uncompromising, hitting us with the tough statements from the beginning.

"Gotta have my bowl/Gotta have cereal"

Here Black challenges the social norms. As she's presented, in the morning, with a bowl filled with cereal she says "Gotta have cereal". Why must she have cereal? Who created the social norm of eating cereal in the morning? How are social norms created? What justifies them, any more than anything else? Had she put waffles in her bowl, would that have made her a madwoman?

"Tickin' on and on/Everybody's rushin'/Gotta get down to the bus stop/gotta catch my bus"

Here again, she comments on the way time passes all too quickly, and how you can't appreciate what you have until it's gone, unless you truly live for the moment, but how living for the moment is frowned upon, even prohibited, by our modern society. This is represented by the pressure of missing her bus, were she to take a moment and relax.

"I see my friends/Kickin' in the front seat/Sittin' in the back seat/Gotta make my mind up/Which seat can I take?"

Here, once again Black displays her grasp of society, and how we can turn even the most arbitrary of choices into acts of war. Were she to sit in the back, her friends in the front would be upset with her. Were she to sit in the front, her friends in the back would be upset with her. Truly this is a lose, lose situation for her. Which choice she makes is left up to the listener to decide. But in the end she asks the question "which seat CAN I take?". Indeed, which seat can any of us take in a society liable to take offense to us "taking the other seat" as it were.

"It's Friday/Friday/Gotta get down on Friday/Everybody is lookin' forward to the weekend (Weekend)" (x2)

Here too she comments on the way time passes us by, albeit in a different manner altogether. Here she comments on how we are always too occupied looking ahead to appreciate where we are NOW. The dramatic echo of "weekend" clearly symbolizes that truly we can never fully reach our goals and must be happy with how far we've gotten, while still not completely giving up on our goals either.

"Partyin'/Partyin/Yeah!"(x2) "Fun/Fun/Fun/Fun/Lookin' forward to the weekend"

Here too she elaborates on the above idea. While we may pretend to live in the moment, we are never fully appreciating what we have. While part of us may be "partyin'" and enjoying ourselves, part of us is still just as driven toward "the weekend" as ever. Perhaps even more so.

"7:45 we're drivin' on the highway/Cruisin' so fast/I want time to fly"

Here she states how some of us even dare to wish time away, hurried with getting to where we want to be, as though we had time to waste. How spend so much time wishing for the future, we can't pay attention to the present. Coveting what we will have, we can't be thankful for what we DO have.

"Fun, fun, think about fun/You know what it is"

Clearly this is intended not as a statement, but as a question to the listeners of the song. Think about fun. Do you really know what it is? Have you ever truly experienced nothing but fun? No stress to dilute it? Has it been so long since you dared to let loose you can't even REMEMBER what fun was like?

"I got this/You got this/My friend is by my right, AY!"

This puzzled me for quite some time. "My friend is by my right, AY". I couldn't think of what she was implying. Was she saying that it's important to keep friends close? Was she saying that true friends are those who would do anything for you, "right hand men" as it were? Finally it struck me. She's implying with this nothing to DO with what's on her right, but what's on her LEFT. The brilliance of this statement overwhelmed me. She's saying that there's two sides to every coin. To keep your right side safe, with the comfort of friends, you leave your left side vulnerable to your enemies attack. Harsh words, betrayal, all of these things come with life, just as do the benefits of it, such as friends, enjoyment, and even love.

"I got this/You got this/Now you know it!"

Here she tells us implicitly that the purpose of this song was to share her unparalleled wisdom. And we do thank her for it.

At this point she repeats the chorus, once again to emphasize the message she tries to get across with the song.

"Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday/Today is Friday, Friday/We, we, we so excited/We so excited/We gonna have a ball today"

Here she says that, while it's important to enjoy the moment, you must also remember the past. It may not always be pleasant, but it's important to look back at our mistakes, our "Thursdays" past, to learn from ourselves, moving on into the future.

At this point the song switches to a rapper. This man is obviously meant to signify a man who has followed Rebecca's advice, and begun to live more in the moment.

"R-B/Rebecca Black"

He begins with her name as though to say "Remember this name." And I'm sure that we shall remember her, such a tremendous breakthrough in music history.

"So chillin' in the front seat (In the front seat)/In the back seat (In the back seat)/I'm drivin'/Cruisin/Yeah, yeah"

This is what tells us that he clearly is living by her words. Backseat? Frontseat? It doesn't matter to him. He's just drivin'. Cruisin'.

"Fast lanes, switchin' lanes/Wit' a car up on my side (Woo!)/(C'mon)Passin' by is a school bus in front of me/Makes tick tock/Tick tock/Wanna scream"
"

Here he sings more about the benefits of just enjoying yourself. A school bus passes him, and he laughs at the people inside stressing about the future.

"Check my time/It's friday/It's a weekend/We gonna have fun/C'mon, C'mon y'all!"

Here he closes out his rap saying that he's going to enjoy himself, and live his life for the now, not for the then. He begs us to do the same with our lives.

After this, she repeats the absolutely inspired chorus a bit more, and closes out the song. And thus is the end to a masterpiece we shall all hold in our hearts, and our minds for a long, long time.

With such a phenomenal song, it's no wonder so many people have begun to cover it. A quick youtube search shows parodies in many genres like Screamo, or Death Metal... But truly these imposters are just ripping off the immeasurable talent that is Rebecca Black, and her life changing work, "Friday".

I know with such inspired lyrics, I shall not soon forget the song, and I would hope neither would any of you. Happy April 1st everyone!

Lyrical Analysis - 3OH!3's "My First Kiss" Ft. Ke-DollarSign-Ha

*This weeks song contains lots and lots of sexual references, and has been known to induce vomiting the faint of heart. You have been warned.*

Hello, and welcome to the first weekly installment of Lyrical Analysis, where I find a crappy song, and explain exactly why it's so crappy.

Folks, until today, I've never managed to sit all the way through this song without turning it off. Ever. This song literally makes me nauseous to listen to. This song is worse than ANY of the Justin Bieber songs I featured during Bieber week. A lot worse. This is, in my opinion, a strong candidate for worst song ever written. And yes, I do mean EVER.

This song... Is "My First Kiss". God help us all.

Dear god. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

So, those of you who haven't been living under a freaking rock for the past year or so have probably heard Ke-DollarSign-Ha's hit singles "Tik Tok" (Pretty good song), "Your Love Is My Drug" (Decent song), and "Blah Blah Blah" (Not so good song). She's basically... Well, you know how Brittney Spears went from Disney star, to innocent singer, to blatantly sex crazed nut? Ke-DollarSign-Ha decided to just skip the first two steps. All her songs are about getting wasted and doing some illicit act.

Well, Ke-DollarSign-Ha decided to team up with the irritating sub-humans that are 3OH!3, to produce one of the most sickening abominations of a song ever written. Everything about this song is detestable. From the obnoxious vocals to the pulsing musical flow (or lack there of) the song has, this song is like musical vomit.

But quite possibly the worst part of this tone-deaf-shoe-scum are the "lyrics". And I say "lyrics" loosely, because you know how Bieber uses "oh" a lot in his songs? Well this song uses nauseating kissing sound effects.

So... Since I apparently hate myself, let's dive right into one of the worst songs ever written, "My First Kiss".

(3OH!3)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"

Oh dear god this is going to hurt a whole lot.

(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"

Two lines in, and I'm about to break down into tears. I really hate this song.

(3OH!3)"I said no more teachers/And no more books"

Remember kids, pay attention in schools, or you'll end up like 3OH!3. And kids, no one wants to be like 3OH!3.

"I gotta kiss under the bleachers/Hoping that nobody looks"

Why are you kissing under the bleachers then? Surely you could find someplace without, you know, tons of people? Right? Oh, I'm sorry, that would require actual functioning brain cells, which anyone involved with THIS is obviously lacking.

"Lips like licorice/Tongue like candy"

Remember when I said this song nauseated me? Yeah, I bet you thought I was exaggerating for effect. I wasn't.

"Excuse me miss/But can I get you out your panties?"

REALLY FREAKING TASTEFUL! SO FREAKING TASTEFUL! YOU, GOOD SIRS ARE SUCH FINE AND TACTFUL GENTLEMEN SOME SORT OF PRIZE SHOULD BE GIVEN TO YOU!

Prize for biggest idiots in the world perhaps?

"In the back of the car/On our way to the bar"

Dumb line. Next?

"I got you on my lips/(I got you on my lips)"

Folks, we're 35 seconds in, and I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I really hate this song.

"With your foot up the stairs/And my fingers in your hair"

...So they're under the bleachers...

And her foot is "up the stairs"...

Hold on, I'm trying to picture how this would look...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Nope. I got nothing.

"Baby this is it"

I'd make a "Baby" joke, but honestly? Not even that song deserves to be associated with this travesty.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)

That's the chorus folks. They could have assembled any series of words in any order possible, and THIS is the chorus they went with.

Ah well, at least we're not talking about Ke-DollarSign-Ha's undergarments any more.

(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss went a little like this"

Oh ok, so we've got Ke-DollarSign-Ha singing now. You'd think, naturally, we'd have her sing the next verse right? Wrong. She doesn't sing either of the verses in this song.

Now, I don't like Ke-DollarSign-Ha's singing that much. She's not very talented, and she really more of speaks her lines to music. But I have to ask, what the HECK was the point of having her appear in this song? She doesn't sing anything but "My first kiss went a little like this"! It's pointless! Pointless! POINTLESS I SAY! POINTLESS!

"I said no more sailor's/No more soldiers/With your name in a heart/Tattooed on their shoulders"

Ok, think about this for a second folks. A minute ago he was talking about kissing her under the bleachers. Thus, we have 3 possibilities brought to us by this song.

1. She is a high school student who has gotten involved enough with a "soldier or sailor", presumably over 18, to have him get her name tattooed on his shoulder. Gross.
2. He and she are adults, sneaking away to the local high school to make out. Gross, and weird.
3. He's switching tenses left and right, and can't decide if this song is about something that happened in the past (the bleachers), or something that is happening now (no more tattoos). Stupid. (Also gross, but less so than the other two options.)

"Your kiss is like whiskey/It gets me drunk"

Judging from "Tik Tok" that's probably because Ke-DollarSign-Ha drank so much that literally just the fumes from her breath are strong enough to get you drunk, just by kissing her.

Most people would have died from alcohol poisoning, but Ke-DollarSign-Ha is completely immune to alcohol poisoning. I know this because she would have to be more drunk than humanly possible to agree to appearing in this song.

"And I wake up in the morning/With the taste of your tongue"

I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. I HATE THIS SONG. I HATE THIS SONG. THIS SONG SHOULD DIE. I MUST KILL THIS SONG. BURN IT. BURN IT WITH FIRE. BURN IT UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT SCORCHED EARTH-

Woah. Sorry. I blacked out there for a minute. Yeah... This song sends me some dark places.

"In the back of car/On the way to the bar/I got you on my lips/I got you on my lips"

And we're doing this again.

"With your foot up the stairs/And my fingers in your hair/Baby this is it"

...

...

...

...

Stiiiiiill don't see how this is possible.

By the way, remember how I said it was a bad idea to make the last 30% of your song chorus? Well we're only halfway through, and we've got, you guessed it, nothing but chorus, and sickening kissing sounds.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)

YES. WE GET IT. IT'S AN OBNOXIOUS SEX REFERENCE. LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS STUPID STUPID SONG.

(3OH!3)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"

ARE YOU NAUSEATED YET? BECAUSE WE'VE STILL GOT OVER A MINUTE LEFT OF THIS SONG!

(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"

Hello Ke-DollarSign-Ha.

Goodbye Ke-DollarSign-Ha.

(3OH!3)"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say"(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"Ooooooooooooohhh"

Rapping the chorus does not a third verse make.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)

...Is that it? Did I make it? DID I SURVIVE?! Oh good grief it's over. Scarier than any horror film. The nightmares will plague me for weeks, but I did it. I sat through "My First Kiss", and told you why it sucks.

Good grief. This is just an abomination. There is absolutely no redeeming quality about this song, whatsoever. At least songs like "Eenie Meenie" had the upside of some decent music. And with songs like "Eenie Meenie" the lyrics may have been stupid, but they weren't nauseating. This? This isn't even sexual innuendo. This is just SEX. That's it. It's just two annoying neanderthals screaming about sex for three straight minutes in the most annoying way possible. And the result is one of, if not the, worst songs ever written.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Pray"

Welcome to Lyrical Analysis, where I say things that are probably going to get me in trouble.

Folks... Bieber made a "Contemporary Christian" song. If you aren't slamming your head against the keyboard yet, perhaps you didn't read that correctly. Bieber made a "Contemporary Christian" song.

At least, that's how it's marketed. But let's list things that are never mentioned in this song.

God
Jesus
The Bible
Christianity in any way
The cross
Any sort of Bible story
Any sort of notable Christians of the past two thousand years
Any sort of "beliefs"
Did I mention GOD AND JESUS?

Yeah. So basically, this song is Bieber saying the word "pray" a lot, and hoping Christian audiences will love it. So on that note, let's dive right in to, "Pray".

"And I Pray..."

...That this song won't suck...

"I just can't sleep tonight/Knowing things ain't right/It's in the papers/It's on the TV/It's everywhere that I go/Children are crying/Soldiers are dying/Some people don't have a home"

Oh great, it's going to be a guilt song. You know what I'm talking about. One of those songs that talks about how bad things are around the world, and how I should be ashamed of myself for lounging around listening to music while some kid in Africa starves to death. I hate those songs.

Now don't get me wrong, it is certainly a very sad world we live in. But I don't need a song to tell me about it, and try to guilt me into doing something.

First of all, guilt is just a scare tactic. Guilting someone into doing something is no better than threatening them. You see, threatening someone forces them to do something because they fear for the immediate consequence of not doing it. If they don't do it, you may beat them up, or cause some other sort of issue for them.

Guilt, however, is invoking the fear of the consequence of inaction. For example, guilt, in this way, is causing someone to fear that some child will starve because they didn't take the action to stop it.

Now, at first you may think that this tactic, while not the most ethical, is at least efficient. It gets things done, at least.

There's a line in the movie Inception (If you haven't seen it yet, why not?), "I think a positive emotional response is more effective than a negative one." This line perfectly sums up the flaw with guilting someone into action. Guilt is a negative emotion. You can't guilt someone into really giving their all. You just can't do it. Inside, although they may be doing good, they won't really be putting their heart into it.

It's not enough to guilt someone into doing something. You have to make them want to do it. And that is a lot harder.

You see, if someone legitimately wants to do good, they will be a force to be reckoned with. They'll be more effective at everything they do, because their heart will be in it. They'll want to do what you want them to do, every bit as much as you want them to do it.

So I don't care who it is, guilt songs are not a good thing. They're a scummy scare tactic.

We're two lines in, and I've already done one full blown rant. I knew this would be a good one to finish Bieber Week with.

"But I know there's sunshine behind that rain/I know there's good times behind that pain/Can you tell me how I could make a change?"

Donate the proceeds of this song to charity. Boom.

Correct me if I'm wrong in the comments, as I said, I don't follow Bieber, but scanning the Wikipedia article on this song, I don't see anything indicating he did.

Edit: Alright, I've since been informed that he does in fact donate large amounts of money to charity quite frequently. Fair enough, like I said, I don't follow Bieber, I wouldn't know.

"I close my eyes and I can see a better day/I close my eyes and pray"

References to God in this song so far: 0
References to praying: 2

"I lose my appetite/Knowing kids starve tonight"

Let me translate this lyric from guilt-song-talk into normal speech.

"IF YOU LIVE IN ANY SORT OF COMFORT YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!"

"Am I a sinner/'Cause half my dinner/Is still here on my plate?"

Bieber would have you believe the answer is yes.

Seriously, this ticks me off. This is basically implying if you have any disposable income, have more food than you can eat, or have any luxury items whatsoever, you're somehow doing something WRONG! Well you know what Bieber, you're marketing this as a "Contemporary Christian" song, tapping into your "beliefs", so I have NO PROBLEM pulling out the scripture on you:

(From John 12, NIV, Verses 1-7)
"Six days before the Passover, Jesus came to Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus’ honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, “Why wasn’t this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year’s wages.” He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it.

“Leave her alone,” Jesus replied. “It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. 8 You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me.”"

Did you catch that? If not, perhaps I should give you that same passage in MUSICAL FORM!



For those still not getting it, Jesus was relaxing after all the stress of, y'know, living a perfect earthly existence, when Mary Magdalene anointed him with expensive perfume. Judas Iscariot (the same man who would later betray Jesus) said that Jesus was wrong to enjoy the perfume when there would be poor people starving to death. (The same thing Bieber is saying RIGHT NOW.)

Judas said they should sell the perfume and donate the money to the poor (although in truth he just wanted to take the money for himself). How did Jesus respond? By telling Judas that no matter what, there would always be poor people, and that while it's good to want to help the poor, there's nothing wrong with enjoying what YOU have.

In other words Bieber, no, you are not a sinner because half of your dinner is still on your plate. You may be an idiot for asking, but stupidity is not a sin.

Wow, two full blown rants, and we're only halfway through the song.

"Ooh, I got a vision/To make a difference/And it's starting today"

Great. Tell me what it is, and we'll get started on it. Hello? Bieber? Just tell me this so called plan you have. Nothing? Ok.

"Because I know there's sunshine/Behind that rain/I know there's good times/Behind that pain/Heaven tell me I can make a change"

Did you catch that? He's praying, not to GOD, but to HEAVEN. Because saying the word GOD would be too controversial and might hurt sales from the athiest audience. Screw. This. Song. I haven't heard such a messed up perception of what "prayer" is since that episode of Doctor Who where Amy Pond is praying to Santa.

"I close my eyes/And I can see a better day/I close my eyes and pray"

Ok, I have no idea if Bieber is really a Christian or if he just thought this would be good publicity, that's not my place to judge, but assuming that he is, he may be better off opening his eyes and reading the bible, judging from his previous question. Completely serious here.

"I pray for all the brokenhearted/I pray for all the lives not started"

Oh I'm not touching that line with a fifty foot pole.

"I pray for all the lungs not breathing/I pray for all the lives in need a break(?)"

1. That doesn't rhyme.
2. That REALLY doesn't rhyme.
3. You dropped the word "of".

"Can you give 'em one today?"

Break them off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar. C'mon man.

And then, like so many other crappy Bieber songs, we get a minute and a half of the chorus again. Ugh. Despicable.

What a shameful song! I understand that the world is in a bad shape right now, but writing songs like THIS and telling people the BLATANT LIE that it's immoral to live in comfort when someone else is worse off than you is just shameful. This song, quite simply, sucks. Everything about these lyrics is stupid, and obviously trying nothing but to give everyone listening to it a guilt trip, which irritates me to no end, especially knowing that Bieber probably recorded this song in a studio that's more luxurious than the homes of most of the people listening to this song.

This kind of drivel is exactly the problem with so called Christian music. I like Five Iron Frenzy. I like Relient K. I like a lot of other Christian artists, who certainly do NOT sound like this, and who actually sing about CHRISTIANITY!

And thus concludes Bieber week. That's right folks, I survived. 7 Bieber songs in 7 days. And all of them were terrible.

Due to positive feedback for Bieber week, I've decided to try to turn Lyrical Analysis into a weekly feature here at Wherein I Rant About the World. Not just about Bieber of course, there are LOTS of terrible songwriters out there just begging for me to decimate their lyrics. The Black Eyed Peas, Ke-DollarSign-Ha, 3OH!3, none shall be safe from my wrath.

So tune in next Saturday for the first weekly installment of "Lyrical Analysis"! I'll be covering a song worse than any song Bieber has ever made! Yeah folks, it's possible.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Love Me"

Hello and welcome to Lyrical Analysis, where I take a crappy song and eviscerate it.

Today's song is, although probably not his worst, certainly one of Justin Bieber's saddest songs. Not sad in the "oh my gosh that's so sad I sympathize with him!" way either. More in that "Wow. He's one pathetic person." way.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Love Me".

"My friends say I'm a fool"

You are.

"To think/That you're the one for me/I guess I'm just a sucker for love"

Or, judging how well some of his other songs ended up, punishment.

"'Cuz honestly the truth/Is that you know I'm never leavin'/'Cuz you're my angel sent from above"

As opposed to, y'know, that dishonest truth.

"Baby you can do no wrong/My money is yours/Give you a little more/'Cuz I love ya'/Love ya'"

Once again, Justin Bieber tries to bribe girls into loving him.

"With me, girl/Is where you belong"

"Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'"

This part becomes really pathetic in about 5 seconds.

"Love me/Love me/Say that you love me"

"OH GOD! PLEASE! I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING! I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU JUST PLEASE, PLEEEEASE SAY YOU LOVE ME! PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! LOOOOOVEEEEE MEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

...Yeah. That's all I'm hearing during this song.

"Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

Seriously. The chorus of this song is LITERALLY begging a girl to love him. How sad is that? (Hint: Very sad.)

"People try to tell me/But I still refuse to listen/'Cuz they don't get to spend time with you"

Judging from how much you're begging her to love you, I'm betting pretty soon you won't get to spend time with her either.

"A minute with you is worth/More than a thousand days without/Your love/Oh your love"

Amazing. Justin Bieber is now stealing lyrics from worship songs.

"Baby you can do no wrong/My money is yours/Give you a little more/'Cuz I love ya'/Love ya'"

With me, girl/Is where you belong/Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

And then we get repetitions of the pre-chorus and chorus again. Joy. Repetition. Of already crappy lyrics. It's like Christmas in March. If Christmas sucked. And also, was in March.

"My heart is blind/But I don't care/'Cuz when I'm with you/Everything has disappeared/And every time/I hold you near/I never want to let you go, ooooooh!"

Wow. This is like originality, only different. Seriously, these are some of the most bland lyrics I've covered thus far. They aren't terrible, but they aren't good either. That's really the biggest problem with this song, other than the fact that the chorus is literally Justin Bieber begging someone to love him. The song isn't awful, but it's just so lyrically bland there's not much you can say about it outside of the obvious "It sucks!".

With me, girl/Is where you belong/Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

Aaaand we're done.

I've now review 6 Justin Bieber songs. I have yet to find an "Epic Lyric". I am, however, losing my mind.

Lyrically, while it's absurdly pathetic, the song itself is more tightly held together, and doesn't just seem to meander around aimlessly like Somebody to Love or One Less Lonely Girl. The lyrics are bad, but the structure of the song is better than some of Bieber's other stuff. Of course, "better" is relative, since it's still not GOOD, by any means.

Like I said above, the biggest problem with "Love Me", other than the obvious ("OH PLEASE LOVE ME PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING I'LL CRY IF YOU SAY YOU DON'T LOVE ME PLEASE PLEASE LOVE ME OH DEAR GOD WHYYYY?") is that it exists in that area of quality where it's bad enough that I'd never want to listen to it, but not quite bad enough that there's really all that much for me to get upset about.

And in my opinion, that's the worst kind of song to talk about. Worse than "Baby". Worse than "Never Say Never". Worse even than "Eenie Meenie". Because those reviews were fun to write, and I would hope, to read. The problem with talking about songs like "Love Me" is that they exist in a musical dead zone, not good enough to care about, but also not bad enough to care about.

You see, that's probably the worst thing an artist can do, no matter what medium they're in. Sure, you can make crap, but at least if your crap is genuinely bad people will remember how bad it was. I honestly think that may be the only reason Assassin's Creed, for example, spun off into an entire series. People hated the first game, but talked about it so much, and remembered it so much, that when the "improved" second game came out, it was still fresh in everyone's mind. And it sold like hotcakes.

True, you should aim for good, whether it be in film, television, gaming, music, books, art, or any other medium you can imagine, but if you're unable to reach good and only able to reach "adequate", that means your product will only be forgettable, just like this song. I can't really call this song abysmal, because in truth? It's not. It's a lot better than "Eenie Meenie", "Somebody to Love", or "One Less Lonely Girl". But as I said before, it exists in that dead zone of being so average that there is absolutely no reason for it to exist. If I want to listen to some bad songs I can listen to "Eenie Meenie", or "Baby". If I want to listen to some good songs, I can... I dunno... Go listen to Bowling for Soup or something.

So that's "Love Me". It's not really good, it's not really bad, it just sort of exists. Well folks, we've just got one day left of Bieber Week, and tomorrow I'll be covering something that will make me even rantier than usual. Tomorrow I'll be analyzing what happens when you make a Contemporary Christian song that never mentions God. Tomorrow, on the final day of Bieber Week, I'll be covering "Pray".

And, pun intended, God help us all.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Never Say Never" Ft. Jaden Smith

Welcome to Lyrical Analysis where- Uggggggghhhhhhh which one is this? The Karate Kid one? Ugh. Fine.

"Never Say Never" was written for the 2010 version of "The Karate Kid", a phenomenal movie you should absolutely go see, despite the fact that it has nothing whatsoever to do with karate.

Also, this song, which played over the credits, was the worst part of the film.

And because I'm a sucker for punishment, let's dive right in to, "Never Say Never"

"See I never thought that I could walk through fire/I never thought that I could take the burn"

Buffy did it better.

"I never had the strength to take it higher/Until I reached the point of no return"

Oh good, this one's going to actually rhyme.

"And there's just no turning back/When your heart's under attack"

Hmm, pro tip, when you're writing a motivational song, try not to group the words "Heart" and "Attack" near each other. It's depressing.

"Gonna give everything I have/It's my destiny!"

"I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN'-" Oh forget it.

"I will never say never/I will fight 'till forever"

But MAN, once forever hits, he's OUT of here.

"Whenever you knock me down/I'll never stay on the ground/Pick it up/Pick it up/Pick it up, up, up, up, up"

Please don't waste my time, time, time, time- ...Oh sorry, wrong song.

"Never say never (x3)"

You know, for a song about not saying never, they just say it a lot.

"I never thought that I could face this power/I never thought that I could feel this free

FREE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MEEEEEEEEE... Crap, wrong song again.

"I'm strong enough to climb the highest tower/And I'm fast enough to run across the sea"

Hm... A version of The Flash with Justin Bieber instead of Barry Allen... Ehhhh, no thank you.

(Pre-Chorus) (Chorus) (That part with the pick it ups)

And then we get Justin Bieber and Jaeden Smith rapping. Joy.

"(Smith)Here we go!/Guess who?"

Hmmmmm, is it... Batman?!

"(Bieber)J. Smith and J. B."

Awww...

"I gotcha lil' bro"

That sounds dumb. Don't say that.

"(Smith)I can handle him"

Yeah, this is playing over the credits after all, didn't you watch the movie?!

"Well he's bigger than me/And stronger than me/And older than me/And taller than me/And his arm's a little bit longer than me"

Ok, I actually find that last line hysterical, only because... Have you seen Jaden Smith? The kid's tiny.

"But he ain't on a J.B. song wit' me!"

I'm sure that probably made someone jealous. Somewhere. That person is a girl.

"I be tryin' a chill/They be tryin' to side with the thrill"

Ok, can SOMEONE please tell me what "siding with the thrill" means? Because I have no clue. At all.

"No pun intended/Was raised by the power of Will"

Liar. That pun was totally intended.

"Like Luke with the force/If push comes to shove/Like Cobe in the 4th/Ice water with blood"

I'm sure that reference made sense to someone, somewhere.

"I gotta be the best/And yes we're the flyest"

Folks, I'd like to make a joke out of that, but honestly? There's nothing I can say to make that funnier. What is there to say about the term "Flyest" appearing in a Justin Bieber song? Nothing. That's what.

So really, all I can provide is this:

"Like David and Goliath/I conquered the giant"

Actually kid, he was pretty average size, you're just tiny.

"So now I got the world in my hand/I was born from two stars/So the moon's where I land"

OK JADEN WE GET IT YOUR PARENTS ARE FAMOUS! LET IT GO!

(Pre-Chorus) (Chorus) (Pre-Chorus Again?) (Never Say Never x3)

Aaaaand we're done. Ok. Well, the lyrics are cheese filled and CERTAINLY not "epic". The lyrics Justin Bieber was actually singing were awful, but that one line Jaden sung did get a pretty good chuckle out of me. I'd rate this above "Somebody to Love" or "One Less Lonely Girl" certainly, somewhere alongside "Baby" and "Eenie Meenie" in the land of being merely awful.

Next up... I don't actually know. I think I've covered his big 5 hits. I suppose I'll have to look through his discography, or find another singer to cover. Ah well, I'll figure something out.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "One Less Lonely Girl"

Hello, and welcome once again to Lyrical Analysis, where I- OH GOD THE CRAPPY MUSIC IT BURNS!

Today I'm going to be reviewing "One Less Lonely Girl". Today's is notable because as of writing this sentence, I actually have yet to hear "One Less Lonely Girl". I've got it all queued up in another tab, and I'm going to press play now.

*Time passes*

2 minutes 29 seconds in. This song goes on FOREVER!

*Time passes*

Ugh... Let's just start, shall we?



He starts the song with an annoyingly fake "Alright let's go" (trust me Bieber, I'd love to, but I'm doing this for the readers.)

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl (One less lonely girl) (x4)"

Oh joy, 15 seconds in, and already with the repetition. This is going to hurt a whole lot, isn't it?

"How many I told yous/And start overs/And shoulders have you cried on before?"

Yes, please do tell me how many I told you's, and start overs you've cried on. Please.

"How many promises/Be honest girl/How many tears you let hit the floor?"

Nothing spectacularly bad about this part, although I do have to comment that, again, like with the previous line, he starts with "how many promises" as though he's going to ask a question, and then switches to a different question entirely.

Focus Bieber, get one question out, THEN move on to the next.

"How many bags you packed/Just to take 'em back/How many either or's?/(But no more!)"

At least this one seems to rhyme.

"If you let me inside of your world/There'll be one less lonely girl"

Because Justin Bieber will no longer be lonely. ZING!

"Oh ohh ohhh/I saw so many pretty faces/Before I saw you, you/Now all I see is you/I'm coming for you"

Folks, he just rhymed you, with you, and then continued by rhyming THAT you, once again, with you.

Give him a hand folks, it takes skill to be that awful.

"No, don't need these other pretty faces/Like I need you, you/And when you're mine/In this world/There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

Do you see what he did there?! HE MIRRORED THE PREVIOUS LINE! MY GOD! HE'S A GENIUS!

...Wait no! He sucks!

"(I'm coming for you) There's gonna be one less lonely girl (x5)"

No seriously, I know I made that joke about him being a girl before, but much like in Baby and Eenie Meenie, it seems like he's setting himself up for some pretty obvious mockery with this one.

"I'm gonna put you first (I'm coming for you)/I'll show you what you're worth (That's what I'm gonna do)/If you let me inside of your world/There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

Again, nothing too offensively bad here, just dull and repetitive.

"Christmas wasn't merry/14th of February/Not one of them spent with you/How many dinner dates/Set dinner plates/And he didn't even touch his food/How many torn photographs/Saw you taping back/Tell me that/You couldn't see an open door"

Alright, this is actually the least sucky part of the song. It's not great, I'm not even sure I'd call it good, but it's certainly better than anything else in the song.

Basically, if the rest of the song were like this verse, I might not despise the song.

Aaand then we get more repetition of what I've already commented on. Greeeeat. Seriously, there's not much more I can say about the chorus. It's boring. It's bland. It's repetitive. It sucks. It has the same problem "Somebody to Love" had, of the chorus essentially being the same line over and over. So let's just skip ahead to the next verse, shall we?

"I can fix up your broken heart/I can give you a brand new start/I can make you believe/I just want to set one girl free to fall/Free to fall/Fall in love with me"

"I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!"

"Her heart's locked/And nowhere to find the key/I'll take her and leave the world/With one less lonely girl"

This part puzzles me. So he's saying that her heart is locked, and he cannot find the key... So he'll take her anyway, even though, since he can't unlock her heart, she's obviously not in love with him? What? That's kind of a depressing message to be sending your fans isn't it Bieber?

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl (x80 or so)"

And thus ends "One Less Lonely Girl". This song is just BORING. Nothing about it is memorable. It's somewhere in that dead zone, where it's not BAD enough for me to really get angry about anything in it, but it's certainly not GOOD. I hate talking about this, because there's not much to say either positive OR negative. Is it as bad as "Somebody to Love"? No. But the music is slow and dreary, the lyrics are repetitive like everything else Bieber's done, and overall, it's a forgettable song, both musically, AND lyrically.

Next up, "Never Say Never". God help me.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Somebody to Love"

Hello, and welcome once again to "Lyrical Analysis", where I decimate some poor unfortunate lyrics. It's ok though, they deserve it.

Justin Bieber seems to think "I'd" rhymes with "Mine". That's really all you need to know about this song.

"Somebody to Love" is not a Queen cover, and yes I was kidding when I said it was, and Justin Bieber is certainly no Freddy Mercury. ...Let's just start talking about the stupid song already. It's bad.



The song starts off with some strange "Gotta gotta gotta gotta" noises being sung by someone. I have no idea who. It couldn't be Bieber, the voice is completely different, but it doesn't seem to matter.

"Oh/Ohhhhh!"

Justin Bieber likes saying "Oh", it would seem.

"For you I'd write a symphony"

He never rhymes "Symphony" in this song.

"I'd tell the violin/It's time to sink or swim/March and play for 'ya"

...Violins? ...Marching?

...Am I missing some sort of common thread between these things? Because when I think marching band instrument, I don't exactly think of Violins.

"For you I'd be/Woahh woahh/Runnin' a thousand miles"

He never rhymes "miles" in this song.

"Just to get you where 'ya are/Step to the beat of my heart"

1. That doesn't rhyme.
2. I don't understand what "I'd run a thousand miles to get you where you are." is supposed to mean.
3. I also don't understand what "Step to the beat of my heart" means, but I'll dismiss that as lovey-dovey nonsense.

"I don't need a whole lot/Comin' from you I admit I'd/Rather give you the world/Or we can share mine"

First, he says "rather" give you the world. He never says what the other option is. Rather give her the world than... What? You... Never explain. Ever. That's only one half of the lyric.

Second, that doesn't rhyme either.

"I know I won't be the first one/Givin' you all this attention"

Ok, at least that rhymes. Sort of.

"I just need somebody to love!/I- I don't need too much/Just somebody to love"

Can anybody FIND me somebody to love?

"I don't need nothing else/I promise girl I swear"

That doesn't RHYME!

"I just need somebody to love/I need somebody/I- I need somebody/I need somebody/I- I need somebody"

We're quickly approaching Eenie Meenie territory here with all this repetition.

"Every day/I'd bring the sun around/slip away the clouds"

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a RHYME!

"Smile for me/smile for me"

"I would take/Every second/Every single time/Spend it like my last dime"

Hm. That's actually almost clever. Almost.

Then the chorus repeats, but it's so bland and generic, I don't think I can say anything about it. So... Next verse!

"Girl you can have it all/Anything you want/I can bring/Give you the finer things/But what I really want/I can't find 'cause money can't find me/Somebody to love!"

Really Bieber? Because it sounds to me like that's exactly what you just tried to do. Y'know. Bribe a girl into loving you? Basically this part of the song is just saying, "I'll pay you to love me because I can't buy love."

...And then the song repeats the chorus and pre-chorus for a minute forty. A MINUTE FORTY. This song is 3 minutes 42 seconds long. That means, not even counting the first TWO repetitions of the chorus, the last 35% or so of the song song is chorus! That's absurd! Let's compare that to a GOOD song, 1985 (Mild language) by Bowling For Soup. (covered by them at least... Popularized... Whatever. It's the best version.)

That song is around 3 minutes 13 seconds. The chorus is about 20 seconds long. They go through it twice at the end of the song, for a total of about 40 seconds. That's reasonable. Also, the chorus to that song goes,

"Springstien/Madonna/Way before Nirvana/There was U2/And Blondie/And music still on MTV/Her two kids/In high school/They tell her that she's uncool/'Cause she's still preoccupied/With 1985"

Now contrast that with...

"I just need somebody to love!/I- I don't need too much/Just somebody to love/I don't need nothing else/I promise girl I swear/I just need somebody to love/I need somebody/I- I need somebody/I need somebody/I- I need somebody"

Did you catch the difference? Let me spell it out for you, the chorus of THIS abomination is essentially the same line repeated ad nauseam. It would be like having the chorus to "1985" be,

"1985/Oh I wish it were 1985/1985/1985/Oh I wish it were 1985"

Do you get my point? The idea of a chorus is not to repeat the same line over and over again, it's to get across the main message of the song, in a way that's pleasant for the listener to hear. The chorus of "Somebody to Love" isn't even pleasant to listen to the FIRST time, let alone after 3-4 immediate repetitions. Even a chorus as AWESOME as "1985" has would get irritating after 3-4 repetitions in a row.

You see, the point of having verses in a song is to break up the lyrics, so it's not just the same set of lines being repeated. There's nothing wrong with a chorus, as I said it's basically the backbone of the song, but you simply CAN'T have a chorus carry on for a minute forty at the end of the song. It just doesn't work. It gets tedious and dull, no matter how great the lyrics are, and of course in this case it's even worse because the lyrics are tedious enough without being repeated 3-4 times in a row.

I think this is actually my least favorite Bieber song yet. At least the others rhymed! This is just dull, even more repetitive than Eenie Meenie, which I didn't think POSSIBLE, and just plain bad. Still nothing resembling an "epic lyric", although he did at least have one line that resembled "clever" in this song.

Next up, "One Less Lonely Girl". If it's worse than this one was, I may not survive.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber and Sean Kingston's "Eenie Meenie"

Hello, and welcome to the next edition of "Lyrical Analysis"! Where I analyze every lyric of a bad song, and explain just what makes them bad.

We've got a whopper today folks. Today's song makes "Baby" look like it was The Beatles.

Today's song is Eenie Meenie.

Eenie Meenie is a joint effort by Justin Bieber, who we all know and (hopefully) loathe, and Sean Kingston. Alright let me get this part out of the way, I have no idea who Kingston is, but he's the more tolerable part of this song. He's not great by any means, but he's a lot better than Bieber. But I'm not here to talk about their singing voices, I'm here to talk about LYRICS! And this song has some of the worst lyrics I've ever heard. So let's begin listening to the song "Eenie Meenie".



It starts with a little intro of the rap portion later in the song... I'll cover that, oh TRUST ME, I'll cover that, later on in the song, when it's actually done all the way through.

"(Kingston)She's indecisive/She can't decide

"This song's redundant/It repeats itself"

"She keeps on lookin'/From left to right"

Well, crossing the street is serious business Sean.

"Girl c'mon get closer/Look in my eyes"

See, now THIS is the proper way to use the term "Look in my eyes". Good job.

"Searchin' is so wrong/I'm Mr. Right"

"I'M SEAN FREAKING KINGSTON!"

"You seem like the type/To love 'em and leave 'em/And disappear right after this song"

Honestly, I'm a sucker for self aware references like this in songs, even when they're painfully bad, so this was fairly amusing.

"So give me the night/To hold you and show you/Don't leave me dancin' out here alone"

Yeah... Hold you... That's what he's... Going to do... This lyric is not dirty at all... Not. At. All.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!"

Geez! And I thought the first line was repetitive!

"('Cause) Shadi (Shawty? Shoddy? Shotty?) is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

Ok, I let me knock the obvious out of the way here, EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO LOVER?! EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO LOVER?!?!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!@!@!111!!!!!!one!!!!

Seriously, this line is dumb. Just... Dumb. Eenie Meenie Miney Mo did NOT need to be used in a song. Ever. It's a children's nonsense rhyme, and they based the entire chorus- no, the entire SONG, after it.

Also it should be "an" not "a".

BUT! The point I actually really want to make here is WHAT THE HECK IS "SHADI"?!

Seriously, I first heard this term in Iyaz's "Replay" (not a great song, not a terrible song), and I thought it was supposed to be a name. Now I've been informed that it's a nickname you call a short girl, derived from "Shorty"?

...What?! Seriously... Is this going to become a thing? Because it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And I'm currently analyzing a song called "Eenie Meenie".

"Shorty" was already a short enough word, that there was NO NEED to turn it into some... Bizzare... Crazy moon language word. Seriously. This word, "Shadi", or "Shawty", or "Shoddy", or whatever... It just makes me angry. Maybe I'm alone, but I HATE this term, and it ruins a song for me when I hear it.

Anyways.

"(Bieber)Let me show you what your missin'/Paradise/With me you're winnin' girl/You don't have to roll the dice"

Wow. I haven't heard someone abuse syllables that badly since the Transformers theme song tried to fit "The Decepticons" into one syllable.

"Tell me what you're here for?/Them other guys?"

Um... Judging from everything you've said so far, I'd say... Yes.

"I can see right through ya'"

...Ok... And... Waiting for you to say the next line... What are you rhyming "ya" with? Anyone? Anyone? Song? Are you moving on? Hello? Song? Hello? Hello? Anyone? ...Ok, I guess we're moving on.

"You seem like the type/To love 'em and leave 'em/And disappear right after the song"

It was better when Kingston did it. And said "this". Not "the".

"So give me the night/To hold you and show you/Don't leave me dancin' after out here alone"

Stiiiiiiiill dirty.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!"

One, one, one, one!

...What?

"('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

Seriously, what does that even mean?! I get it's supposed to mean she's indecisive but... Eenie Meenie Miney Mo is a pretty strict way of making decisions. It's arbitrary, sure, but... Still... Unless it's literal, and she's actually making the choice of who to date by playing Eenie Meenie Miney Mo... Uhh... Red flag dude. Red flag.

"(Rapped by Kingston with Beiber joining in later) Eenie meenie miney mo/catch a bad chick by her toe/If she holla'- If- If- If she holla/Let her go (x2)"

Because remember kids, when a girl breaks up with you, grab her and don't let her go until she screams.

"('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

You know how I said the line "Are we an item?" was not helping his case in the eyes of the people who make fun of him? I don't think Justin Bieber calling a girl Shadi (Shorty) is going to help that much either.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!

MORE REPETITION?! JUST WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR! (Don't worry, we're almost done.)

('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

And thus ends yet another abysmal song by Justin Bieber. Even more repetitive than Baby, and, while I do think that the singing is FAR better in Eenie Meenie than it was in Baby (thanks in no small part to Kingston), the lyrics were even WORSE.

Well, I've searched two songs thus far, and I've yet to find a single line that could be considered anything CLOSE to an "epic lyric". What next, you may ask? Well... Honestly I don't know. Didn't he do a Queen cover or something?

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Baby"

Hello! And welcome to the latest feature on this blog, "Lyrical Analysis"! Perhaps I should explain.

Now, I'm sure everyone knows who Justin Bieber is, that is to say, a no-talent hack. But, I've noticed something very disturbing as of late, and oddly, it's not Bieber Fever (although that is worrisome) that I find the most strange. It's the normal people, that is to say the ones who despise Bieber, who have on multiple occasion's told me they love Bieber's lyrics. These are people with musical taste I can respect, and who agree his voice sounds like that of a twelve year old girl, and yet they still somehow hear Bieber's songs and find the lyrics to be, and I quote, "epic".

I... Don't understand.

Now as I've said before, I don't know much about music. I don't play any instruments, I'm not a great singer, and most of the hit songs I've heard, I only know from Pandora, Glee, or Rock Band. I'm as little of a music buff as you can be.

But if there's one thing I pride myself on being able to examine in music, it's lyrics. I know what makes good writing, I know what makes bad writing, and I certainly know which of those two Bieber's abominable lyrics are.

So, let's dive right into Bieber's biggest hit, "Baby".

"Oh wooooah
Oh wooooah
Oh wooooah"

It's around here I start writhing in pain upon listening to his voice. I know there's nothing wrong with the song yet, I just want you to understand the pain I'm going through for you, dear readers.

"You know you love me/I know you care"

Oh great, the first two lines of the song and already I take issue with it. "You know you love me." He says. Think about this line for a moment. "You know you love me." he says. Basically, what he's saying is, "I'm so awesome, I KNOW you care about me, how could you not, I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!" (Not to be confused with Harry Freakin' Potter. Look it up.)

What a conceited way to start the song.

"Just shout whenever/And I'll be there"

Fine, this is your typical cliched "I'll always be there for you girl!" line. Whatever. It's... Fine.

"You want my love/You want my heart"

Again, another conceited "I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!" line. And I know if you're a fan of the song, you're probably trying to tell me it's not conceited, he's just stating the FACT that she loves him... Remember this line for later for me, please, please do.

"And we will never ever ever be apart"

Ugh, typical romantic cheese line. Again, whatever, this line isn't the worst thing in the world, and it's certainly not the worst line in the song (we still have Ludacris' rap to get through, don't forget.) but, much like a couple lines before it, it's cliched, and nothing I haven't heard a million times before, in much much better songs.

"Are we an item?/Girl quit playin'/We're just friends/What are you sayin'?"

Hoo boy, here we go.

FIRST! "Are we an item"? Really Bieber? I've got news for you. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. AT ALL. ESPECIALLY MEN. You know, people might stop giving you such a hard time about your voice sounding girly, if you didn't reinforce that with THE GIRLIEST LYRICS IN THE WORLD!

Second! Remember when I said to remember him saying that she loved him for later? Well read these lines. She is CLEARLY SAYING SHE DOES NOT LOVE HIM. In fact, these lines JUST MAKE IT COME ACROSS LIKE HE'S HITTING ON HER! Therefore the above lines WERE in fact him just saying "I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!"

Third! "We're just friends, what are you sayin'?" Um... Justin, how much more plainly does she have to put it? Obviously, what she's saying is that you are JUST FRIENDS! NOTHING MORE! Seriously, you know the saying that you have to be drawn a map... Well this is apparently literal. She is LITERALLY SPELLING IT OUT FOR YOU, and STILL you don't understand. So let me explain. You hit on her. She turned you down. Likely because you used the term "item".

"Said there's another/Look right in my eyes"

Hey! Bad grammar! No seriously though, what does this mean? He switched from the first person, as though he were talking to another person, straight to talking to the audience with "said there's another" wrecking any flow this song might have had... And then... "Look right in my eyes"? What? What does that mean?

Is he saying that she looked into his eyes? It should say "Looked right into my eyes" then.

If he's switched back to talking as though he were in a conversation, then he's failed by switching tenses ONCE AGAIN.

Not to mention the fact that, obviously, he went straight from "Said there's another" (Past tense) to "Look right in my eyes" (Future tense).

Literally the ONLY correct way for this line to be written is "Looked right into my eyes".

"My first love broke my heart for the first time."

It would seem his first love is some random girl he hit on, and turning him down broke his heart. Ok. Sure.

"And I was like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Like baby, baby, baby noooo/Like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Thought you'd always be mine, mine. (x2)

Mine... Mine... My preeecious... My preeeeecious... We wants it... We neeeeeeds it...

"For you I would have done whatever"

That's not healthy Justin. Seriously. It's obvious you didn't know this girl ALL THAT WELL. Honestly, you're sounding a bit clingy. Like... Really clingy.

"And I just can't believe we ain't together."

Dude! You got dumped! It's not that unusual! And, even assuming you DID know the girl pretty well, with how clingy you sound NOW, NO WONDER she dumped you! My gosh!

"And I want to play it cool/But I'm losing you"

Lost. You screwed up the tense again Bieber. It's "But I lost you".

"I'll buy you anything/I'll buy you any ring"

Because remember kids, when a girl breaks up with you for being clingy, telling her you'll spend large amounts of money on her "JUST OH MY GOD DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME OH WHY", is always the correct response.

Also, I'm pretty sure he just proposed.

"And I'm in pieces/Baby fix me/And just shake me 'till you wake me/from this bad dream."

Again, she broke up with you, begging her to "fix you" and "shake you" are not good things to say in this situation, unless you are attempting to get yourself a restraining order.

"I'm going down, down, down, down"

I have no idea what this means. ...Like... At all.

"And I just can't believe/My first love won't be around"

"WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS BREAKING UP WITH ME?! I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!"

"And I was like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Like baby, baby, baby noooo/Like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Thought you'd always be mine, mine. (x2)

Ok, I'm pretty sure this song was written by Johnny Bravo.



He is literally the only person who talks like this.

AND NOW WE HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT! The rap portion of this song is brought to you by Ludacris, who I'm told is a rapper of some sort. I wouldn't know.

"Luda!"

Apparently the narcissistic sense of self worth is not exclusive to Bieber in this song.

"When I was 13/I had my first love"

Rant incoming.

OK! SO! Allow me to place my own morals upon others for a moment. WHO THE HECK THINKS THAT DATING AT 13 IS A GOOD IDEA? Seriously! This irritates me to no end. Every single day I see young kids, FAR too young to have any interest in romance, update their Facebook statuses (which they shouldn't even have, I'm talking about 8 year olds here) with some sort of relationship change, or comment about their boyfriends/girlfriends, or talking about how cute someone is...

YOU'RE 8! It's absurd! That's too young to be dating. 13 is too young. 14, 15, 16, that's a decent age. But anything below 14 is just absurd! Now get off my lawn you darned kids!

"There was nobody that compared to my baby/And nobody came between us or could ever come above"

What the heck does "come above us" mean? I get the rest of this line. I do. I have no issues with it... But I'm puzzled by the term "come above us". Seriously. Let me know if you understand.

"She had me goin' crazy/Oh I was starstruck/She woke me up daily/Don't need no Starbucks."

Product placement! Hurrah! Justin Bieber got tons of money for that arbitrary and forced line that adds nothing to the song!

"She made my heart pound/And skip a beat when I see her in the street and/At school on the playground/But I really want to see her on the weekend"

See above, but angrier.

IF YOU ARE ON THE PLAYGROUND, YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO BE DATING.

"She knows she got me dazing/'Cuz she was so amazing"

"And now my heart is breakin'/But I just keep on sayin'"

And now we make the subtle transition from Ludacris' absurdly deep voice to Justin Bieber's... Not... Deep... Voice...

And thus, after several painful repetitions of the chorus and a few more repetitions of "I'm gone", the song is over. Thank god.

So, in short, "Baby" does not have "epic lyrics". "Baby" has terrible lyrics.

And the best part? This abomination is one of Bieber's best songs. But how should I pick which of his songs to analyze next? How could I possibly go through all of his songs and ever expect to be able to pick just one that's awful enough to top "Baby", when there's so many?

Hmm... Perhaps I should use EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO?!