Saturday, March 26, 2011

Lyrical Analysis - 3OH!3's "My First Kiss" Ft. Ke-DollarSign-Ha

*This weeks song contains lots and lots of sexual references, and has been known to induce vomiting the faint of heart. You have been warned.*

Hello, and welcome to the first weekly installment of Lyrical Analysis, where I find a crappy song, and explain exactly why it's so crappy.

Folks, until today, I've never managed to sit all the way through this song without turning it off. Ever. This song literally makes me nauseous to listen to. This song is worse than ANY of the Justin Bieber songs I featured during Bieber week. A lot worse. This is, in my opinion, a strong candidate for worst song ever written. And yes, I do mean EVER.

This song... Is "My First Kiss". God help us all.

Dear god. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

So, those of you who haven't been living under a freaking rock for the past year or so have probably heard Ke-DollarSign-Ha's hit singles "Tik Tok" (Pretty good song), "Your Love Is My Drug" (Decent song), and "Blah Blah Blah" (Not so good song). She's basically... Well, you know how Brittney Spears went from Disney star, to innocent singer, to blatantly sex crazed nut? Ke-DollarSign-Ha decided to just skip the first two steps. All her songs are about getting wasted and doing some illicit act.

Well, Ke-DollarSign-Ha decided to team up with the irritating sub-humans that are 3OH!3, to produce one of the most sickening abominations of a song ever written. Everything about this song is detestable. From the obnoxious vocals to the pulsing musical flow (or lack there of) the song has, this song is like musical vomit.

But quite possibly the worst part of this tone-deaf-shoe-scum are the "lyrics". And I say "lyrics" loosely, because you know how Bieber uses "oh" a lot in his songs? Well this song uses nauseating kissing sound effects.

So... Since I apparently hate myself, let's dive right into one of the worst songs ever written, "My First Kiss".




(3OH!3)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"


Oh dear god this is going to hurt a whole lot.

(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"


Two lines in, and I'm about to break down into tears. I really hate this song.

(3OH!3)"I said no more teachers/And no more books"


Remember kids, pay attention in schools, or you'll end up like 3OH!3. And kids, no one wants to be like 3OH!3.

"I gotta kiss under the bleachers/Hoping that nobody looks"


Why are you kissing under the bleachers then? Surely you could find someplace without, you know, tons of people? Right? Oh, I'm sorry, that would require actual functioning brain cells, which anyone involved with THIS is obviously lacking.

"Lips like licorice/Tongue like candy"


Remember when I said this song nauseated me? Yeah, I bet you thought I was exaggerating for effect. I wasn't.

"Excuse me miss/But can I get you out your panties?"


REALLY FREAKING TASTEFUL! SO FREAKING TASTEFUL! YOU, GOOD SIRS ARE SUCH FINE AND TACTFUL GENTLEMEN SOME SORT OF PRIZE SHOULD BE GIVEN TO YOU!

Prize for biggest idiots in the world perhaps?

"In the back of the car/On our way to the bar"


Dumb line. Next?

"I got you on my lips/(I got you on my lips)"


Folks, we're 35 seconds in, and I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I really hate this song.

"With your foot up the stairs/And my fingers in your hair"


...So they're under the bleachers...

And her foot is "up the stairs"...

Hold on, I'm trying to picture how this would look...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Nope. I got nothing.

"Baby this is it"


I'd make a "Baby" joke, but honestly? Not even that song deserves to be associated with this travesty.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)


That's the chorus folks. They could have assembled any series of words in any order possible, and THIS is the chorus they went with.

Ah well, at least we're not talking about Ke-DollarSign-Ha's undergarments any more.

(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss went a little like this"


Oh ok, so we've got Ke-DollarSign-Ha singing now. You'd think, naturally, we'd have her sing the next verse right? Wrong. She doesn't sing either of the verses in this song.

Now, I don't like Ke-DollarSign-Ha's singing that much. She's not very talented, and she really more of speaks her lines to music. But I have to ask, what the HECK was the point of having her appear in this song? She doesn't sing anything but "My first kiss went a little like this"! It's pointless! Pointless! POINTLESS I SAY! POINTLESS!

"I said no more sailor's/No more soldiers/With your name in a heart/Tattooed on their shoulders"


Ok, think about this for a second folks. A minute ago he was talking about kissing her under the bleachers. Thus, we have 3 possibilities brought to us by this song.

1. She is a high school student who has gotten involved enough with a "soldier or sailor", presumably over 18, to have him get her name tattooed on his shoulder. Gross.
2. He and she are adults, sneaking away to the local high school to make out. Gross, and weird.
3. He's switching tenses left and right, and can't decide if this song is about something that happened in the past (the bleachers), or something that is happening now (no more tattoos). Stupid. (Also gross, but less so than the other two options.)

"Your kiss is like whiskey/It gets me drunk"


Judging from "Tik Tok" that's probably because Ke-DollarSign-Ha drank so much that literally just the fumes from her breath are strong enough to get you drunk, just by kissing her.

Most people would have died from alcohol poisoning, but Ke-DollarSign-Ha is completely immune to alcohol poisoning. I know this because she would have to be more drunk than humanly possible to agree to appearing in this song.

"And I wake up in the morning/With the taste of your tongue"


I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. I HATE THIS SONG. I HATE THIS SONG. THIS SONG SHOULD DIE. I MUST KILL THIS SONG. BURN IT. BURN IT WITH FIRE. BURN IT UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT SCORCHED EARTH-

Woah. Sorry. I blacked out there for a minute. Yeah... This song sends me some dark places.

"In the back of car/On the way to the bar/I got you on my lips/I got you on my lips"


And we're doing this again.

"With your foot up the stairs/And my fingers in your hair/Baby this is it"


...

...

...

...

Stiiiiiill don't see how this is possible.

By the way, remember how I said it was a bad idea to make the last 30% of your song chorus? Well we're only halfway through, and we've got, you guessed it, nothing but chorus, and sickening kissing sounds.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)


YES. WE GET IT. IT'S AN OBNOXIOUS SEX REFERENCE. LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS STUPID STUPID SONG.


(3OH!3)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"


ARE YOU NAUSEATED YET? BECAUSE WE'VE STILL GOT OVER A MINUTE LEFT OF THIS SONG!



(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"


Hello Ke-DollarSign-Ha.

Goodbye Ke-DollarSign-Ha.

(3OH!3)"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say"(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"Ooooooooooooohhh"


Rapping the chorus does not a third verse make.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)


...Is that it? Did I make it? DID I SURVIVE?! Oh good grief it's over. Scarier than any horror film. The nightmares will plague me for weeks, but I did it. I sat through "My First Kiss", and told you why it sucks.

Good grief. This is just an abomination. There is absolutely no redeeming quality about this song, whatsoever. At least songs like "Eenie Meenie" had the upside of some decent music. And with songs like "Eenie Meenie" the lyrics may have been stupid, but they weren't nauseating. This? This isn't even sexual innuendo. This is just SEX. That's it. It's just two annoying neanderthals screaming about sex for three straight minutes in the most annoying way possible. And the result is one of, if not the, worst songs ever written.

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