Miley Cyrus. Folks, this won't win me any awards, but I have to say... I really don't hate Miley Cyrus. Yeah. I mean, she's not great by any means, but I never found her music offensively bad, with just a few exceptions, and some of her stuff is even kinda catchy.
I'll admit I don't follow celebrity news, so I don't know all that much about her or any of the things shes gotten flak for but I try not to judge musicians by tabloids anyways so... Yeah. I honestly don't understand all the people who mock her. Heck, she's a lot more talented than some pop music artists. Insert your own joke about Justin Bieber here.
So really, I don't hate Miley Cyrus. I find most of her music tolerable. Most of her music. Enter "7 Things".
This song just irks me. So without further ado... Ugh... "7 Things".
"I probably shouldn't say this/But at times I get so scared/When I think about the previous/Relationship we've shared"
Hoo boy. First of all, you're rhyming "Say this" and "Previous"? Really? I mean... That's a stretch.
Second, think about this. She's saying "When I think about the previous relationship we shared." referring to an earlier time in their relationship... Except that doesn't work. It's the SAME relationship, just later on in it. It's not a "previous relationship" unless it was with another person.
"It was awesome/But we lost it/It's not possible for me not to care/Now we're standing in the rain/But nothing's ever gonna change until you hear/My dear"
Ok, just to point it out, I actually do like the way she sings this one line. Not enough to save the song, but still worth pointing out.
"The 7 things I hate about you"(x2)"
OH GOD HERE IT IS. Ugh. Now let me say, I actually think her voice kind of works in the slower parts of the song. Again, it's not great, but it's kind of... Ok. I like it.
Aaaand then she starts singing here and you can hear the strain in her voice. It's not good. Not good at all.
"You're vain" 1. "Your games" 2. "You're insecure" 3.
Really Miley? You're saying he's insecure? On a track where you're singing about how much you hate him for playing games with you? ...No, I'm not going to point out the issue there, if you can't figure it out for yourself you're hopeless.
(Not to mention, from what I've heard Miley has had several pictures of questionable morality posted online, so bonus points for calling him "insecure" there too.)
"You love me/You like her" 4. "You make me laugh/You make me cry" 5.
Also, she sounds very possessive here. YOU ACKNOWLEDGE ANOTHER GIRL EXISTS? YOU MUST DIIIIIIEEEEE...
Yeah. I dunno, she doesn't imply he actually cheated on her so... Kinda seems clingy.
"I don't know which side to buy"
This line irritates me, but to be honest I don't know why, so I'll let it slide.
"Your friends they're jerks"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING ABOUT HIM. THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE CHORUS IS TO LIST THINGS ABOUT HIM. NOT HIS FRIENDS. YOU ARE AN IDIOT.
"And when you act like them" 6? "Just know it hurts"
NO THIS DOESN'T EXCUSE THE LAST LINE BECAUSE IT'S STILL STUPID TO BRING HIS FRIENDS INTO THIS WHEN YOU JUST COULD HAVE SAID HE ACTS LIKE A JERK.
"I wanna be/With the one I know"
Sounds like you are. It sounds like he's a jerk.
"And the seventh thing/I hate the most that you do"
Ready for it? READY FOR IT? The seventh thing?! Are you ready? ARE YOU EXCITED? What could it be? What
"You make me love you" 7?!
Everybody altogether now! D'AWWWWWWWWWWWW!
In case you weren't following my number tally, one of my big problems with this song is she lists so many positive AND negative things in her "7 Things" that it can be hard to tell what the actual "7 Things" are. Especially when one of them is that he makes her LOVE him. Sure, I managed to map out 7 things... But when you're listing 7 things you hate, you can't just add things from another list to it.
It just doesn't work. You throw out things you LIKE about him while listing things you hate. IT'S. CONFUSING. YOU NEED FOCUS MILEY. FOCUS. It would be like if I started reviewing a completely different song in the middle of one of these Lyrical Analysis articles.
Anyways, moving on.
"I whip my hair back and forth/I whip my hair back and forth"
As you can see the main problem with the chorus of "Whip My Hair" is that... It's not even really music. It's like some strange Eldritch horror that was somehow turned into music. Obviously the only reason "Whip My Hair" exists, much like the main reason Jaden Smith has an acting career, is because Will Smith decided his daughter needed a singing career. The difference, of course, is that Jaden Smith is actually a talented actor, whereas Willow Smith relies on autotune to the point where this song could actually make your ears bleed.
YOU SEE?! IT'S CONFUSING! YOU HAVE TO PICK SOMETHING TO FOCUS ON! YOU HAVE TO PICK A TOPIC AND FINISH THAT TRAIN OF THOUGH BEFORE SWITCHING TO ANOTHER TRAIN OF THOUGHT OR ELSE IT RESULTS IN NOTHING BUT
"It's awkward and it's silent/As I wait for you to say/What I need to hear now/Your sincere apology"
You know, we still haven't exactly heard what it is DID that he has to apologize for. Just really vague things like "He's vain". Or "His friends are jerks". Or of course the crowning achievement of EVIL, "He makes her love him".
"When you mean it/I'll believe it/If you text it/I'll delete it"
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. You got burned by Miley Cyrus. *Snicker*
"Let's be clear/Well I'm not coming back/You're taking the 7 steps here"
Fun fact: Alcoholism takes 12 steps, mending a relationship with Miley Cyrus only takes 7.
And then we get the abysmal chorus again. It's exactly the same here, so I'm skipping ahead.
Now, you're probably saying, "Gee, that's not so bad. I mean sure, it's stupid, but it's not THAT stupid."
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the last verse and chorus.
"And compared to all the great things/That would take too long to write/I probably should mention/The 7 that I like"
What. I know it's just a grammar error here and she got across what she wanted but... "Compared to the great things, let me list the 7... great things." Really Miley? Really? REALLY?
"The 7 things I like about you!"
Ugh. Fine. So tell us, what are these 7 things that are SO GREAT about this guy that they outweigh all the bad stuff? You know, like how he's vain.
"Your hair" 1. "Your eyes" 2. "Your old levi's" 3. "When we kiss I'm hypnotized" 4.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, the first 4 things she likes are his hair, eyes, his pants, and the fact that he's a good kisser.
And HE'S the one who's freaking vain.
SCREW THIS SONG!!!!!!!!! Seriously. Let's assume for a moment the line "You love me/You like her" DID mean he cheated on her. Now look at the reasons she likes him. OVER HALF THE FREAKING LIST ARE PURELY THINGS ABOUT VANITY. No wonder he cheated on her! She's the shallowest person on the planet! (Note: I still don't condone cheating on someone for any reason whatsoever.)
"You make me laugh" 5. "You make me cry/I guess that's both I'll have to buy"
And once again her lists LACKS ANY FREAKING DIRECTION.
"Your hands in mine/When they're intertwined/Everything's alright" 6. "I wanna be with the one I know"
Does being a good... Erm... Hand holder... Count as vanity? Because if so, 5/7ths of this list are things which are purely vanity.
"And the seventh thing/I like the most that you do"
Like you don't already know what it is.
"You make me love you"
Yeah there's a shock.
Miley, I really don't hate you or your music. "Party in the U.S.A." is fun, though the lyrics are a bit stupid, and even some of the Hannah Montana songs are tolerable... But good grief this song is awful. Seriously. Just... Awful. Your singing is strained and painful to listen to, and of course you accuse him of being vain, then reveal yourself to be the shallowest person on the planet.
I don't hate you, I even want to like you, but this song is a dud, plain and simple. I know it's a few years old now, and I don't know what of hers is more recent (I THINK "Party in the U.S.A." is) but hopefully it's better than this because... Wow.
This song is just plain BAD.