Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Ladies and Gentlemen, I consider myself a down to Earth kind of guy when it comes to film. Ok that's a lie. I'm almost as much of a movie snob as I am a video game snob. However, even I can acknowledge when I movie is enjoyable despite massive flaws. True, I yell at movies quite frequently, but even then I typically enjoy the movies. I know it's absurd that the aliens use macs in Independence Day. I still love that movie. I love Jim Carrey even though he tends to overact (BUT SO HELP ME IF YOU THINK HE CAN'T ACT YOU GO WATCH THE TRUMAN SHOW AND THE MAJESTIC AND THEN TELL ME HE CAN'T ACT YOU STUPID STUPID PEOPLE HE'S A FREAKING GREAT ACTOR WHEN HE TRIES). I like the Star Wars prequels despite... Well...


*Ahem* moving on, the point is that I can enjoy a movie despite it's flaws. But folks, there are some films that just... Suck. Plain and simple. These films are just... Bad. They have no redeeming qualities... At all.

Here's 5 of them. Now I admit that when I say "Top 5" I don't think of these as the WORST movies ever made, but when I think movies that surpass being "so bad it's good" and go straight to "so bad it's terrible" these 5 tend to leap to mind. So without any further ado... Here's some bad movies.

5 - The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl


Good. Grief. What an awful movie. So, some of you may remember the 2001 film Spy Kids. It wasn't a classic or anything, but it was entertaining enough, and I loved it as a kid. Plus, it had Tony Shaloub as a villain. C'mon. That's awesome.

Then there was a sequel. And it wasn't as good.

Then there was a third one. And it sucked. And was in 3D, back when 3D sucked.

But of course, since the Spy Kids franchise was milked, the director had to make just ONE more kids film. Also in 3D. And it was an abomination.

You see, this film had one purpose: Make it look enough like another Spy Kids movie, that any kid who saw the trailer would think it WAS another Spy Kids movie. And it worked. And it was extremely awful.

The whole movie was about a kid who daydreams in school all day about characters named Sharkboy and Lavagirl (he was a creative genius, as you can tell) and all of the sudden they come alive or something and they're actually the werewolf from Twilight (I swear to God, I'm not kidding. It's really Taylor Lautner) and a girl who I swear could be Carmen's twin from Spy Kids and I actually thought it was the same actress until writing this post (she's also named Taylor, oddly enough) and they pull him into his daydreams literally and then there's this bad guy made of electricity and then there's a world made of crappy 3D effects and an ice cream mountain or something and the werewolf from Twilight has to be taken to water or he'll die or something and they take him to water and the bad guy causes tornadoes to come hit the town the kid lives in and then the tornadoes make the kids divorced parents reconcile immediately before being devoured by the electric monster bad guy and then it was all just a dream OR WAS IT it wasn't it was actually was happening and then it turns out the generic main character has the ultimate power of imagination (a really bad one at that, "Sharkboy" and "Lavagirl"? Really?) and then he uses the magic powers of imagination to fight the bad guy who's made out of a TV and then-

If this sounds like a completely and utterly retarded plot for a movie, that's because it is.

Also, Taylor Lautner is even worse in this than in twilight, if you believe that. Oh, and I think he takes his shirt off in this movie at least once. HE'S A KID. C'MON.

4 - Fantastic 4 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer

The Fantastic 4. What can you say about them? They're the quintessential hero team. The X-Men may be more famous now, but that's only because the movies have put them in the public consciousness by being AWESOME (except for X3. That one sucked. And yes, I loved Wolverine.) as opposed to the Fantastic 4 films which were passable and an abysmal abomination which should be burned, respectively.

The first film was far from great, but it entertained me enough to continue watching it all the way to the end, even through some groan-worthy moments. This movie though? It put me to sleep halfway through. And I never felt interested enough to finish watching it.

This is just a blueprint for everything NOT to do when making a superhero film. Susan Storm spends the whole film WHINING to Reed Richards about how now that they're getting married they need to STOP BEING SUPERHEROS!

...Or, maybe it was that they need to KEEP BEING SUPERHEROS! I honestly can't be bothered to remember which. It was stupid and annoying either way. Seriously. I mean, is it really that hard to make Jessica Alba bearable to watch? Don't answer that. (Oh joy, I've found out from writing this article they're making a Spy Kids 4. And she'll be in it. Well, she can't be any MORE annoying.)

The film deals with Galactus, one of the most iconic villains of the Marvel universe. Galactus is a giant who roams around space eating planets. That is, he does that in the comics. In this, he's giant cosmic GAS that eats planets. Yeah. I'm not kidding. They turned one of the coolest supervillains ever into a huge space fart.

Then there's the Silver Surfer, who it seems is just sort of there. He's working for Galactus, or maybe against Galactus, but I never understood how that works since Galactus is just space gas, I don't know this is about where I fell asleep. The point is they dropped any pretense of caring about the source material and turned one of the greatest Superhero teams ever into cardboard cutouts that make the people in 2012 look like interesting and well developed characters. And for that, I SPIT ON ZEM!!!

3 - The Last Mimzy

Ugh. Just. Ugh. Watch this trailer.

Dawww! Look at it! It's just like E.T., but with that guy from The Office in it!!! AND IT'S A BUNNY ALIEN! This movie is going to rock!

*One viewing of The Last Mimzy later*

That movie SUCKED!

Seriously, this movie is again, a case of just thinly stringing together a bunch of scenes that will look good in the trailer. Dwight isn't in it enough to warrant being in the trailer, that thing about the bunny in the picture from 200 years ago is never explained, and the movie is actually about two little kids (neither of whom can act) finding some sort of cube thingy that makes them super smart and makes them dream about building an elevator to space. Or something stupid.

There's very little to care about in the dull movie, the plot makes no sense, doesn't really end so much as just stopping, and there are huge plot holes that are barely filled with the main characters suddenly developing poorly explained superpowers that would make Stan Lee weep such as "Spider-Speak". It's exactly what it says on the tin folks.

The kids superpowers are, of course, never actually explained. I'll admit I can't actually remember how this one ends, it's been a long time, but I remember it was stupid, like everything else in this abysmal movie.

Also, the main characters aren't so much "charming" or "endearing" like some of the great children characters like Ralphie from A Christmas Story, or Kevin from Home Alone, no, they're more... Annoying. In fact, by the end of the movie, you'll want to wring them by their annoying little necks. They're bratty kids, and we had a 90 minute movie focusing on them.

Also, Dwight when he IS on screen isn't all that interesting. The performance seemed very phoned in. Also, they make it very clear that the woman he's living with isn't his wife. This is a children's film.

2 - Zoom

Oh come on Tim Allen WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! You were in Galaxy Quest! That's one of the best comedies ever! Now you're doing a cheap knockoff of Sky High? Really?

Yeah, so basically this movie is Sky High but without any of the funny jokes, interesting characters, or awesome plot developments. Tim Allen plays Zoom, a washed up superhero who lost his powers. The government finds out through the magic of PLOT HOLES that his brother, who is a supervillain, is going to be coming back from the dead pretty soon.

So they find other kids with superpowers (because y'know, it's really easy to find those kids with superpowers) and get Zoom to help them. WACKY SHENANIGANS TO FOLLOW! And by wacky shenanigans, I mean complete and utter boredom. Oh, and a Wendy's ad. No seriously. They put a Wendy's ad in the movie. There was an ad for the restaurant, and they just cut that out and stuck in in the film. You think I'm kidding but... I'm not. I'm really not. It's a big lipped alligator moment folks! They just, get in a spaceship and... Go get frostys! It's bad!

It had enormous plot hole such as the fact that one character (who's superpower is to expand like a balloon) has a subplot where they develop fabric that can expand with him. The only problem is WE SAW A NORMAL SWIMSUIT EXPAND WITH HIM IN HIS INTRODUCTION SHOT!

Then there's a crappy deus ex machina where Zoom gets his power back. Why? Because he never had anything to care about enough to USE his power. That's right folks. It's a care bears movie.


There's... Not much to say here. This is, bar none, the worst movie I've seen in my whole life. Worse than any of the others on this list.

I did a full review of it and please, check it out, I go in depth with why it's filled with suck and fail. (Hint: It's because it sucks and fails.)

Seriously. This movie is just... Bad. Really really bad. This movie ticks me off. Just go watch the first Home Alone instead. That one's a classic. This is... Pain. Just, pain. Pain diluted into it's purest form.

So in short, those were 5 of the worst movies I've ever seen. I hope you enjoyed this list more than you'd enjoy watching any of those horrendous films. Ugh.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Addendum to the First Annual Wherein I Rant Awards

Folks, as I'm sure anyone reading this blog knows, I am a near perfect individual. However, even I make mistakes now and then, and even I say things I regret. Not all the times I've called someone an idiot, certainly not, I was right all those times, and I remain right.

However, some of you will remember on the last day of 2010 I did a post called "The First Annual Wherein I Rant Awards" where I counted down the best and worst of film and video games of 2010. Some of you will perhaps even recall my awards for Best Animated Feature, and Best Picture. For those who don't, I said that Inception was the best film last year, and Toy Story 3 was the runner up, and that Toy Story 3 was the best animated film, and Tangled was the runner up.

Oh boy, I'm not going to make any friends with this post.

Back when I saw Tangled, I did a review of the film where I praised the film endlessly. Well folks, since then I've seen Inception, Toy Story 3, and Tangled again, and I have to say... Tangled was the best movie released last year.

Now, please understand, I'm not saying Inception or Toy Story 3 were bad films, that would be moronic, both were fantastic movies that had very little wrong with them. The thing is though, after seeing all 3 again... I really do regret saying Inception or Toy Story 3 were better films, when in all honesty, they weren't.

Inception, though one of my favorite films of last year, suffered from having too many characters and not enough exposition on any of them. All the actors did phenomenal jobs, and the writing for each character was excellent, but when you have dozens of characters in your films, you don't have a chance to truly explore most of them. The only characters we really know anything about by the end of the film are Leo DiCaprio, Cillian Murphy, who's dreams they are entering.

It's still a great film, with some of the best cinematography I've ever seen, and every single actor does a good job. The directing is excellent, the action sequences are intense, and the characters they do explore are really interesting (although, in my opinion the most interesting character isn't Leo DiCaprio, but Cillian Murphy, but that's another blog post entirely) but after another viewing, I do wish they had been able to explore the characters of Tom Hardy, Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or Ken Watanabe a bit more. One of the things I loved about The Dark Knight was that every major character was fully developed. The Joker, Batman, Alfred, Rachel, Harvey, these characters were all explored, and unfortunately I just can't say the same about Inception. Again, fantastic film, just slightly LESS fantastic on a second viewing.

Toy Story 3... Yeah people are going to hate me for this. Now, I have to say, this movie holds up better than Inception does on a second viewing, to the point where I'd say Inception and Toy Story 3 are pretty much a tie for second best film released last year. Now, I did love seeing Andy grown up, and the fact that they gave us the movie we wanted to see. At the end of Toy Story 2 they went back knowing it wouldn't last forever, and that's what I wanted to see. What happens when it is over? They told us, and that alone was enough reason to love Toy Story 3. The fact that they introduced new characters, and that each and every one was a great addition to the series? Just icing on the cake.

That said, there were a few very minor complaints I did have the second time around. First of all, I found it extraordinarily strange the way Andy's mother just rushes him out the door when he's leaving for college, making him pack everything... I don't know, it didn't seem the way a real mother would act. At the same time, the very ending of the film *spoilers* where Andy is playing with his toys one last time... Yes, it was touching. Yes it was sad, and a good scene... But it just didn't seem like the way a real person would act. I know, I know, I'm complaining about realism in a movie with talking toys, but still. Fantastic movie with just a couple quirks.

Tangled, on the other hand, only got better the second time I watched it. As I sat there and watched, picking up on more and more subtleties, such as the incredibly detailed backgrounds I just fell in love with it more, and I still have not a single complaint about it. And this is me we're talking about, I love to complain.

This is one of the only films I own the soundtrack to, just because it's the best soundtrack I've heard in AGES! This is the only DVD/Blu-Ray/Whatever I've bought on the day it was released since The Dark Knight!

I think the real tell was at the academy awards. You see, every year, there's some movie I get angry at for being snubbed. In 2008, for example, it was The Dark Knight, for not even getting a nomination for Best Picture, an award it should have won.

This year though, Inception got nominated for a lot of stuff, won some stuff, lost some stuff, and while it got a nomination for Best Picture... I was honestly fine with it not winning, over films like The Social Network or The King's Speech.

However, Tangled not even being NOMINATED for Best Animated Picture? Criminal. Absolutely criminal. I loved How To Train Your Dragon, sure, but Tangled was a much better film. And Randy Newman's "We Belong Together" beating "I See the Light"?! What kind of sick joke is that?! "I See the Light" deserved that award more than "You Got A Friend In Me Mk. 26"

So folks, in short, I take it back. Inception and Toy Story are tied as the second best films of 2010. And Tangled? Tangled is in fact both the best animated picture, and the best overall film.

It had everything. Perfectly developed characters who you actually cared about, hysterical humor that rarely went for cheap jokes, absolutely spot on storytelling, some of the best animation I've ever seen, traditional or CGI, and a brilliant soundtrack.

For example, the King and Queen. They're only in that film for around 5 minutes. One scene at the beginning, one scene at the end, and one scene in the middle. They never utter a word throughout the entire film. And yet, in the middle of the film, as they light the lanterns in memory of their lost daughter, the Queen fixes a necklace on the King's neck, and the two have a moment. Just a brief look. And in that moment, they convey so much that by the end of the film, it's easy to forget that there wasn't a line of dialogue uttered by either of them in the entire film. It was a look that conveyed pain. That got across what the King was thinking, and a moment where you realize just how painful it is for the two of them. That they're missing yet another of their daughter's birthdays. Her 18th, to be exact.

And then the moment ends. And the two characters are more interesting, and more well developed than Tom Hardy, Ellen Page, or any of the other actors that weren't Leo DiCaprio or Cillian Murphy in Inception.

That's using film as a visual medium. Which it is. It's a brilliant scene, I'd put on par- No, above, anything in Inception or Toy Story 3.

And that's why Tangled was the best movie of last year. Sorry Inception, I love ya', but Tangled was the superior film.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Lyrical Analysis - 3OH!3's "My First Kiss" Ft. Ke-DollarSign-Ha

*This weeks song contains lots and lots of sexual references, and has been known to induce vomiting the faint of heart. You have been warned.*

Hello, and welcome to the first weekly installment of Lyrical Analysis, where I find a crappy song, and explain exactly why it's so crappy.

Folks, until today, I've never managed to sit all the way through this song without turning it off. Ever. This song literally makes me nauseous to listen to. This song is worse than ANY of the Justin Bieber songs I featured during Bieber week. A lot worse. This is, in my opinion, a strong candidate for worst song ever written. And yes, I do mean EVER.

This song... Is "My First Kiss". God help us all.

Dear god. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

So, those of you who haven't been living under a freaking rock for the past year or so have probably heard Ke-DollarSign-Ha's hit singles "Tik Tok" (Pretty good song), "Your Love Is My Drug" (Decent song), and "Blah Blah Blah" (Not so good song). She's basically... Well, you know how Brittney Spears went from Disney star, to innocent singer, to blatantly sex crazed nut? Ke-DollarSign-Ha decided to just skip the first two steps. All her songs are about getting wasted and doing some illicit act.

Well, Ke-DollarSign-Ha decided to team up with the irritating sub-humans that are 3OH!3, to produce one of the most sickening abominations of a song ever written. Everything about this song is detestable. From the obnoxious vocals to the pulsing musical flow (or lack there of) the song has, this song is like musical vomit.

But quite possibly the worst part of this tone-deaf-shoe-scum are the "lyrics". And I say "lyrics" loosely, because you know how Bieber uses "oh" a lot in his songs? Well this song uses nauseating kissing sound effects.

So... Since I apparently hate myself, let's dive right into one of the worst songs ever written, "My First Kiss".

(3OH!3)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"

Oh dear god this is going to hurt a whole lot.

(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"

Two lines in, and I'm about to break down into tears. I really hate this song.

(3OH!3)"I said no more teachers/And no more books"

Remember kids, pay attention in schools, or you'll end up like 3OH!3. And kids, no one wants to be like 3OH!3.

"I gotta kiss under the bleachers/Hoping that nobody looks"

Why are you kissing under the bleachers then? Surely you could find someplace without, you know, tons of people? Right? Oh, I'm sorry, that would require actual functioning brain cells, which anyone involved with THIS is obviously lacking.

"Lips like licorice/Tongue like candy"

Remember when I said this song nauseated me? Yeah, I bet you thought I was exaggerating for effect. I wasn't.

"Excuse me miss/But can I get you out your panties?"


Prize for biggest idiots in the world perhaps?

"In the back of the car/On our way to the bar"

Dumb line. Next?

"I got you on my lips/(I got you on my lips)"

Folks, we're 35 seconds in, and I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I really hate this song.

"With your foot up the stairs/And my fingers in your hair"

...So they're under the bleachers...

And her foot is "up the stairs"...

Hold on, I'm trying to picture how this would look...







Nope. I got nothing.

"Baby this is it"

I'd make a "Baby" joke, but honestly? Not even that song deserves to be associated with this travesty.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)

That's the chorus folks. They could have assembled any series of words in any order possible, and THIS is the chorus they went with.

Ah well, at least we're not talking about Ke-DollarSign-Ha's undergarments any more.

(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss went a little like this"

Oh ok, so we've got Ke-DollarSign-Ha singing now. You'd think, naturally, we'd have her sing the next verse right? Wrong. She doesn't sing either of the verses in this song.

Now, I don't like Ke-DollarSign-Ha's singing that much. She's not very talented, and she really more of speaks her lines to music. But I have to ask, what the HECK was the point of having her appear in this song? She doesn't sing anything but "My first kiss went a little like this"! It's pointless! Pointless! POINTLESS I SAY! POINTLESS!

"I said no more sailor's/No more soldiers/With your name in a heart/Tattooed on their shoulders"

Ok, think about this for a second folks. A minute ago he was talking about kissing her under the bleachers. Thus, we have 3 possibilities brought to us by this song.

1. She is a high school student who has gotten involved enough with a "soldier or sailor", presumably over 18, to have him get her name tattooed on his shoulder. Gross.
2. He and she are adults, sneaking away to the local high school to make out. Gross, and weird.
3. He's switching tenses left and right, and can't decide if this song is about something that happened in the past (the bleachers), or something that is happening now (no more tattoos). Stupid. (Also gross, but less so than the other two options.)

"Your kiss is like whiskey/It gets me drunk"

Judging from "Tik Tok" that's probably because Ke-DollarSign-Ha drank so much that literally just the fumes from her breath are strong enough to get you drunk, just by kissing her.

Most people would have died from alcohol poisoning, but Ke-DollarSign-Ha is completely immune to alcohol poisoning. I know this because she would have to be more drunk than humanly possible to agree to appearing in this song.

"And I wake up in the morning/With the taste of your tongue"


Woah. Sorry. I blacked out there for a minute. Yeah... This song sends me some dark places.

"In the back of car/On the way to the bar/I got you on my lips/I got you on my lips"

And we're doing this again.

"With your foot up the stairs/And my fingers in your hair/Baby this is it"





Stiiiiiill don't see how this is possible.

By the way, remember how I said it was a bad idea to make the last 30% of your song chorus? Well we're only halfway through, and we've got, you guessed it, nothing but chorus, and sickening kissing sounds.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)


(3OH!3)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"


(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"

Hello Ke-DollarSign-Ha.

Goodbye Ke-DollarSign-Ha.

(3OH!3)"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say"(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"Ooooooooooooohhh"

Rapping the chorus does not a third verse make.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)

...Is that it? Did I make it? DID I SURVIVE?! Oh good grief it's over. Scarier than any horror film. The nightmares will plague me for weeks, but I did it. I sat through "My First Kiss", and told you why it sucks.

Good grief. This is just an abomination. There is absolutely no redeeming quality about this song, whatsoever. At least songs like "Eenie Meenie" had the upside of some decent music. And with songs like "Eenie Meenie" the lyrics may have been stupid, but they weren't nauseating. This? This isn't even sexual innuendo. This is just SEX. That's it. It's just two annoying neanderthals screaming about sex for three straight minutes in the most annoying way possible. And the result is one of, if not the, worst songs ever written.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Pray"

Welcome to Lyrical Analysis, where I say things that are probably going to get me in trouble.

Folks... Bieber made a "Contemporary Christian" song. If you aren't slamming your head against the keyboard yet, perhaps you didn't read that correctly. Bieber made a "Contemporary Christian" song.

At least, that's how it's marketed. But let's list things that are never mentioned in this song.

The Bible
Christianity in any way
The cross
Any sort of Bible story
Any sort of notable Christians of the past two thousand years
Any sort of "beliefs"
Did I mention GOD AND JESUS?

Yeah. So basically, this song is Bieber saying the word "pray" a lot, and hoping Christian audiences will love it. So on that note, let's dive right in to, "Pray".

"And I Pray..."

...That this song won't suck...

"I just can't sleep tonight/Knowing things ain't right/It's in the papers/It's on the TV/It's everywhere that I go/Children are crying/Soldiers are dying/Some people don't have a home"

Oh great, it's going to be a guilt song. You know what I'm talking about. One of those songs that talks about how bad things are around the world, and how I should be ashamed of myself for lounging around listening to music while some kid in Africa starves to death. I hate those songs.

Now don't get me wrong, it is certainly a very sad world we live in. But I don't need a song to tell me about it, and try to guilt me into doing something.

First of all, guilt is just a scare tactic. Guilting someone into doing something is no better than threatening them. You see, threatening someone forces them to do something because they fear for the immediate consequence of not doing it. If they don't do it, you may beat them up, or cause some other sort of issue for them.

Guilt, however, is invoking the fear of the consequence of inaction. For example, guilt, in this way, is causing someone to fear that some child will starve because they didn't take the action to stop it.

Now, at first you may think that this tactic, while not the most ethical, is at least efficient. It gets things done, at least.

There's a line in the movie Inception (If you haven't seen it yet, why not?), "I think a positive emotional response is more effective than a negative one." This line perfectly sums up the flaw with guilting someone into action. Guilt is a negative emotion. You can't guilt someone into really giving their all. You just can't do it. Inside, although they may be doing good, they won't really be putting their heart into it.

It's not enough to guilt someone into doing something. You have to make them want to do it. And that is a lot harder.

You see, if someone legitimately wants to do good, they will be a force to be reckoned with. They'll be more effective at everything they do, because their heart will be in it. They'll want to do what you want them to do, every bit as much as you want them to do it.

So I don't care who it is, guilt songs are not a good thing. They're a scummy scare tactic.

We're two lines in, and I've already done one full blown rant. I knew this would be a good one to finish Bieber Week with.

"But I know there's sunshine behind that rain/I know there's good times behind that pain/Can you tell me how I could make a change?"

Donate the proceeds of this song to charity. Boom.

Correct me if I'm wrong in the comments, as I said, I don't follow Bieber, but scanning the Wikipedia article on this song, I don't see anything indicating he did.

Edit: Alright, I've since been informed that he does in fact donate large amounts of money to charity quite frequently. Fair enough, like I said, I don't follow Bieber, I wouldn't know.

"I close my eyes and I can see a better day/I close my eyes and pray"

References to God in this song so far: 0
References to praying: 2

"I lose my appetite/Knowing kids starve tonight"

Let me translate this lyric from guilt-song-talk into normal speech.


"Am I a sinner/'Cause half my dinner/Is still here on my plate?"

Bieber would have you believe the answer is yes.

Seriously, this ticks me off. This is basically implying if you have any disposable income, have more food than you can eat, or have any luxury items whatsoever, you're somehow doing something WRONG! Well you know what Bieber, you're marketing this as a "Contemporary Christian" song, tapping into your "beliefs", so I have NO PROBLEM pulling out the scripture on you:

(From John 12, NIV, Verses 1-7)
"Six days before the Passover, Jesus came to Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus’ honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, “Why wasn’t this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year’s wages.” He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it.

“Leave her alone,” Jesus replied. “It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. 8 You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me.”"

Did you catch that? If not, perhaps I should give you that same passage in MUSICAL FORM!

For those still not getting it, Jesus was relaxing after all the stress of, y'know, living a perfect earthly existence, when Mary Magdalene anointed him with expensive perfume. Judas Iscariot (the same man who would later betray Jesus) said that Jesus was wrong to enjoy the perfume when there would be poor people starving to death. (The same thing Bieber is saying RIGHT NOW.)

Judas said they should sell the perfume and donate the money to the poor (although in truth he just wanted to take the money for himself). How did Jesus respond? By telling Judas that no matter what, there would always be poor people, and that while it's good to want to help the poor, there's nothing wrong with enjoying what YOU have.

In other words Bieber, no, you are not a sinner because half of your dinner is still on your plate. You may be an idiot for asking, but stupidity is not a sin.

Wow, two full blown rants, and we're only halfway through the song.

"Ooh, I got a vision/To make a difference/And it's starting today"

Great. Tell me what it is, and we'll get started on it. Hello? Bieber? Just tell me this so called plan you have. Nothing? Ok.

"Because I know there's sunshine/Behind that rain/I know there's good times/Behind that pain/Heaven tell me I can make a change"

Did you catch that? He's praying, not to GOD, but to HEAVEN. Because saying the word GOD would be too controversial and might hurt sales from the athiest audience. Screw. This. Song. I haven't heard such a messed up perception of what "prayer" is since that episode of Doctor Who where Amy Pond is praying to Santa.

"I close my eyes/And I can see a better day/I close my eyes and pray"

Ok, I have no idea if Bieber is really a Christian or if he just thought this would be good publicity, that's not my place to judge, but assuming that he is, he may be better off opening his eyes and reading the bible, judging from his previous question. Completely serious here.

"I pray for all the brokenhearted/I pray for all the lives not started"

Oh I'm not touching that line with a fifty foot pole.

"I pray for all the lungs not breathing/I pray for all the lives in need a break(?)"

1. That doesn't rhyme.
2. That REALLY doesn't rhyme.
3. You dropped the word "of".

"Can you give 'em one today?"

Break them off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar. C'mon man.

And then, like so many other crappy Bieber songs, we get a minute and a half of the chorus again. Ugh. Despicable.

What a shameful song! I understand that the world is in a bad shape right now, but writing songs like THIS and telling people the BLATANT LIE that it's immoral to live in comfort when someone else is worse off than you is just shameful. This song, quite simply, sucks. Everything about these lyrics is stupid, and obviously trying nothing but to give everyone listening to it a guilt trip, which irritates me to no end, especially knowing that Bieber probably recorded this song in a studio that's more luxurious than the homes of most of the people listening to this song.

This kind of drivel is exactly the problem with so called Christian music. I like Five Iron Frenzy. I like Relient K. I like a lot of other Christian artists, who certainly do NOT sound like this, and who actually sing about CHRISTIANITY!

And thus concludes Bieber week. That's right folks, I survived. 7 Bieber songs in 7 days. And all of them were terrible.

Due to positive feedback for Bieber week, I've decided to try to turn Lyrical Analysis into a weekly feature here at Wherein I Rant About the World. Not just about Bieber of course, there are LOTS of terrible songwriters out there just begging for me to decimate their lyrics. The Black Eyed Peas, Ke-DollarSign-Ha, 3OH!3, none shall be safe from my wrath.

So tune in next Saturday for the first weekly installment of "Lyrical Analysis"! I'll be covering a song worse than any song Bieber has ever made! Yeah folks, it's possible.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Love Me"

Hello and welcome to Lyrical Analysis, where I take a crappy song and eviscerate it.

Today's song is, although probably not his worst, certainly one of Justin Bieber's saddest songs. Not sad in the "oh my gosh that's so sad I sympathize with him!" way either. More in that "Wow. He's one pathetic person." way.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Love Me".

"My friends say I'm a fool"

You are.

"To think/That you're the one for me/I guess I'm just a sucker for love"

Or, judging how well some of his other songs ended up, punishment.

"'Cuz honestly the truth/Is that you know I'm never leavin'/'Cuz you're my angel sent from above"

As opposed to, y'know, that dishonest truth.

"Baby you can do no wrong/My money is yours/Give you a little more/'Cuz I love ya'/Love ya'"

Once again, Justin Bieber tries to bribe girls into loving him.

"With me, girl/Is where you belong"

"Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'"

This part becomes really pathetic in about 5 seconds.

"Love me/Love me/Say that you love me"


...Yeah. That's all I'm hearing during this song.

"Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

Seriously. The chorus of this song is LITERALLY begging a girl to love him. How sad is that? (Hint: Very sad.)

"People try to tell me/But I still refuse to listen/'Cuz they don't get to spend time with you"

Judging from how much you're begging her to love you, I'm betting pretty soon you won't get to spend time with her either.

"A minute with you is worth/More than a thousand days without/Your love/Oh your love"

Amazing. Justin Bieber is now stealing lyrics from worship songs.

"Baby you can do no wrong/My money is yours/Give you a little more/'Cuz I love ya'/Love ya'"

With me, girl/Is where you belong/Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

And then we get repetitions of the pre-chorus and chorus again. Joy. Repetition. Of already crappy lyrics. It's like Christmas in March. If Christmas sucked. And also, was in March.

"My heart is blind/But I don't care/'Cuz when I'm with you/Everything has disappeared/And every time/I hold you near/I never want to let you go, ooooooh!"

Wow. This is like originality, only different. Seriously, these are some of the most bland lyrics I've covered thus far. They aren't terrible, but they aren't good either. That's really the biggest problem with this song, other than the fact that the chorus is literally Justin Bieber begging someone to love him. The song isn't awful, but it's just so lyrically bland there's not much you can say about it outside of the obvious "It sucks!".

With me, girl/Is where you belong/Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

Aaaand we're done.

I've now review 6 Justin Bieber songs. I have yet to find an "Epic Lyric". I am, however, losing my mind.

Lyrically, while it's absurdly pathetic, the song itself is more tightly held together, and doesn't just seem to meander around aimlessly like Somebody to Love or One Less Lonely Girl. The lyrics are bad, but the structure of the song is better than some of Bieber's other stuff. Of course, "better" is relative, since it's still not GOOD, by any means.

Like I said above, the biggest problem with "Love Me", other than the obvious ("OH PLEASE LOVE ME PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING I'LL CRY IF YOU SAY YOU DON'T LOVE ME PLEASE PLEASE LOVE ME OH DEAR GOD WHYYYY?") is that it exists in that area of quality where it's bad enough that I'd never want to listen to it, but not quite bad enough that there's really all that much for me to get upset about.

And in my opinion, that's the worst kind of song to talk about. Worse than "Baby". Worse than "Never Say Never". Worse even than "Eenie Meenie". Because those reviews were fun to write, and I would hope, to read. The problem with talking about songs like "Love Me" is that they exist in a musical dead zone, not good enough to care about, but also not bad enough to care about.

You see, that's probably the worst thing an artist can do, no matter what medium they're in. Sure, you can make crap, but at least if your crap is genuinely bad people will remember how bad it was. I honestly think that may be the only reason Assassin's Creed, for example, spun off into an entire series. People hated the first game, but talked about it so much, and remembered it so much, that when the "improved" second game came out, it was still fresh in everyone's mind. And it sold like hotcakes.

True, you should aim for good, whether it be in film, television, gaming, music, books, art, or any other medium you can imagine, but if you're unable to reach good and only able to reach "adequate", that means your product will only be forgettable, just like this song. I can't really call this song abysmal, because in truth? It's not. It's a lot better than "Eenie Meenie", "Somebody to Love", or "One Less Lonely Girl". But as I said before, it exists in that dead zone of being so average that there is absolutely no reason for it to exist. If I want to listen to some bad songs I can listen to "Eenie Meenie", or "Baby". If I want to listen to some good songs, I can... I dunno... Go listen to Bowling for Soup or something.

So that's "Love Me". It's not really good, it's not really bad, it just sort of exists. Well folks, we've just got one day left of Bieber Week, and tomorrow I'll be covering something that will make me even rantier than usual. Tomorrow I'll be analyzing what happens when you make a Contemporary Christian song that never mentions God. Tomorrow, on the final day of Bieber Week, I'll be covering "Pray".

And, pun intended, God help us all.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Never Say Never" Ft. Jaden Smith

Welcome to Lyrical Analysis where- Uggggggghhhhhhh which one is this? The Karate Kid one? Ugh. Fine.

"Never Say Never" was written for the 2010 version of "The Karate Kid", a phenomenal movie you should absolutely go see, despite the fact that it has nothing whatsoever to do with karate.

Also, this song, which played over the credits, was the worst part of the film.

And because I'm a sucker for punishment, let's dive right in to, "Never Say Never"

"See I never thought that I could walk through fire/I never thought that I could take the burn"

Buffy did it better.

"I never had the strength to take it higher/Until I reached the point of no return"

Oh good, this one's going to actually rhyme.

"And there's just no turning back/When your heart's under attack"

Hmm, pro tip, when you're writing a motivational song, try not to group the words "Heart" and "Attack" near each other. It's depressing.

"Gonna give everything I have/It's my destiny!"

"I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN'-" Oh forget it.

"I will never say never/I will fight 'till forever"

But MAN, once forever hits, he's OUT of here.

"Whenever you knock me down/I'll never stay on the ground/Pick it up/Pick it up/Pick it up, up, up, up, up"

Please don't waste my time, time, time, time- ...Oh sorry, wrong song.

"Never say never (x3)"

You know, for a song about not saying never, they just say it a lot.

"I never thought that I could face this power/I never thought that I could feel this free

FREE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MEEEEEEEEE... Crap, wrong song again.

"I'm strong enough to climb the highest tower/And I'm fast enough to run across the sea"

Hm... A version of The Flash with Justin Bieber instead of Barry Allen... Ehhhh, no thank you.

(Pre-Chorus) (Chorus) (That part with the pick it ups)

And then we get Justin Bieber and Jaeden Smith rapping. Joy.

"(Smith)Here we go!/Guess who?"

Hmmmmm, is it... Batman?!

"(Bieber)J. Smith and J. B."


"I gotcha lil' bro"

That sounds dumb. Don't say that.

"(Smith)I can handle him"

Yeah, this is playing over the credits after all, didn't you watch the movie?!

"Well he's bigger than me/And stronger than me/And older than me/And taller than me/And his arm's a little bit longer than me"

Ok, I actually find that last line hysterical, only because... Have you seen Jaden Smith? The kid's tiny.

"But he ain't on a J.B. song wit' me!"

I'm sure that probably made someone jealous. Somewhere. That person is a girl.

"I be tryin' a chill/They be tryin' to side with the thrill"

Ok, can SOMEONE please tell me what "siding with the thrill" means? Because I have no clue. At all.

"No pun intended/Was raised by the power of Will"

Liar. That pun was totally intended.

"Like Luke with the force/If push comes to shove/Like Cobe in the 4th/Ice water with blood"

I'm sure that reference made sense to someone, somewhere.

"I gotta be the best/And yes we're the flyest"

Folks, I'd like to make a joke out of that, but honestly? There's nothing I can say to make that funnier. What is there to say about the term "Flyest" appearing in a Justin Bieber song? Nothing. That's what.

So really, all I can provide is this:

"Like David and Goliath/I conquered the giant"

Actually kid, he was pretty average size, you're just tiny.

"So now I got the world in my hand/I was born from two stars/So the moon's where I land"


(Pre-Chorus) (Chorus) (Pre-Chorus Again?) (Never Say Never x3)

Aaaaand we're done. Ok. Well, the lyrics are cheese filled and CERTAINLY not "epic". The lyrics Justin Bieber was actually singing were awful, but that one line Jaden sung did get a pretty good chuckle out of me. I'd rate this above "Somebody to Love" or "One Less Lonely Girl" certainly, somewhere alongside "Baby" and "Eenie Meenie" in the land of being merely awful.

Next up... I don't actually know. I think I've covered his big 5 hits. I suppose I'll have to look through his discography, or find another singer to cover. Ah well, I'll figure something out.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "One Less Lonely Girl"

Hello, and welcome once again to Lyrical Analysis, where I- OH GOD THE CRAPPY MUSIC IT BURNS!

Today I'm going to be reviewing "One Less Lonely Girl". Today's is notable because as of writing this sentence, I actually have yet to hear "One Less Lonely Girl". I've got it all queued up in another tab, and I'm going to press play now.

*Time passes*

2 minutes 29 seconds in. This song goes on FOREVER!

*Time passes*

Ugh... Let's just start, shall we?

He starts the song with an annoyingly fake "Alright let's go" (trust me Bieber, I'd love to, but I'm doing this for the readers.)

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl (One less lonely girl) (x4)"

Oh joy, 15 seconds in, and already with the repetition. This is going to hurt a whole lot, isn't it?

"How many I told yous/And start overs/And shoulders have you cried on before?"

Yes, please do tell me how many I told you's, and start overs you've cried on. Please.

"How many promises/Be honest girl/How many tears you let hit the floor?"

Nothing spectacularly bad about this part, although I do have to comment that, again, like with the previous line, he starts with "how many promises" as though he's going to ask a question, and then switches to a different question entirely.

Focus Bieber, get one question out, THEN move on to the next.

"How many bags you packed/Just to take 'em back/How many either or's?/(But no more!)"

At least this one seems to rhyme.

"If you let me inside of your world/There'll be one less lonely girl"

Because Justin Bieber will no longer be lonely. ZING!

"Oh ohh ohhh/I saw so many pretty faces/Before I saw you, you/Now all I see is you/I'm coming for you"

Folks, he just rhymed you, with you, and then continued by rhyming THAT you, once again, with you.

Give him a hand folks, it takes skill to be that awful.

"No, don't need these other pretty faces/Like I need you, you/And when you're mine/In this world/There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

Do you see what he did there?! HE MIRRORED THE PREVIOUS LINE! MY GOD! HE'S A GENIUS!

...Wait no! He sucks!

"(I'm coming for you) There's gonna be one less lonely girl (x5)"

No seriously, I know I made that joke about him being a girl before, but much like in Baby and Eenie Meenie, it seems like he's setting himself up for some pretty obvious mockery with this one.

"I'm gonna put you first (I'm coming for you)/I'll show you what you're worth (That's what I'm gonna do)/If you let me inside of your world/There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

Again, nothing too offensively bad here, just dull and repetitive.

"Christmas wasn't merry/14th of February/Not one of them spent with you/How many dinner dates/Set dinner plates/And he didn't even touch his food/How many torn photographs/Saw you taping back/Tell me that/You couldn't see an open door"

Alright, this is actually the least sucky part of the song. It's not great, I'm not even sure I'd call it good, but it's certainly better than anything else in the song.

Basically, if the rest of the song were like this verse, I might not despise the song.

Aaand then we get more repetition of what I've already commented on. Greeeeat. Seriously, there's not much more I can say about the chorus. It's boring. It's bland. It's repetitive. It sucks. It has the same problem "Somebody to Love" had, of the chorus essentially being the same line over and over. So let's just skip ahead to the next verse, shall we?

"I can fix up your broken heart/I can give you a brand new start/I can make you believe/I just want to set one girl free to fall/Free to fall/Fall in love with me"


"Her heart's locked/And nowhere to find the key/I'll take her and leave the world/With one less lonely girl"

This part puzzles me. So he's saying that her heart is locked, and he cannot find the key... So he'll take her anyway, even though, since he can't unlock her heart, she's obviously not in love with him? What? That's kind of a depressing message to be sending your fans isn't it Bieber?

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl (x80 or so)"

And thus ends "One Less Lonely Girl". This song is just BORING. Nothing about it is memorable. It's somewhere in that dead zone, where it's not BAD enough for me to really get angry about anything in it, but it's certainly not GOOD. I hate talking about this, because there's not much to say either positive OR negative. Is it as bad as "Somebody to Love"? No. But the music is slow and dreary, the lyrics are repetitive like everything else Bieber's done, and overall, it's a forgettable song, both musically, AND lyrically.

Next up, "Never Say Never". God help me.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Somebody to Love"

Hello, and welcome once again to "Lyrical Analysis", where I decimate some poor unfortunate lyrics. It's ok though, they deserve it.

Justin Bieber seems to think "I'd" rhymes with "Mine". That's really all you need to know about this song.

"Somebody to Love" is not a Queen cover, and yes I was kidding when I said it was, and Justin Bieber is certainly no Freddy Mercury. ...Let's just start talking about the stupid song already. It's bad.

The song starts off with some strange "Gotta gotta gotta gotta" noises being sung by someone. I have no idea who. It couldn't be Bieber, the voice is completely different, but it doesn't seem to matter.


Justin Bieber likes saying "Oh", it would seem.

"For you I'd write a symphony"

He never rhymes "Symphony" in this song.

"I'd tell the violin/It's time to sink or swim/March and play for 'ya"

...Violins? ...Marching?

...Am I missing some sort of common thread between these things? Because when I think marching band instrument, I don't exactly think of Violins.

"For you I'd be/Woahh woahh/Runnin' a thousand miles"

He never rhymes "miles" in this song.

"Just to get you where 'ya are/Step to the beat of my heart"

1. That doesn't rhyme.
2. I don't understand what "I'd run a thousand miles to get you where you are." is supposed to mean.
3. I also don't understand what "Step to the beat of my heart" means, but I'll dismiss that as lovey-dovey nonsense.

"I don't need a whole lot/Comin' from you I admit I'd/Rather give you the world/Or we can share mine"

First, he says "rather" give you the world. He never says what the other option is. Rather give her the world than... What? You... Never explain. Ever. That's only one half of the lyric.

Second, that doesn't rhyme either.

"I know I won't be the first one/Givin' you all this attention"

Ok, at least that rhymes. Sort of.

"I just need somebody to love!/I- I don't need too much/Just somebody to love"

Can anybody FIND me somebody to love?

"I don't need nothing else/I promise girl I swear"

That doesn't RHYME!

"I just need somebody to love/I need somebody/I- I need somebody/I need somebody/I- I need somebody"

We're quickly approaching Eenie Meenie territory here with all this repetition.

"Every day/I'd bring the sun around/slip away the clouds"

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a RHYME!

"Smile for me/smile for me"

"I would take/Every second/Every single time/Spend it like my last dime"

Hm. That's actually almost clever. Almost.

Then the chorus repeats, but it's so bland and generic, I don't think I can say anything about it. So... Next verse!

"Girl you can have it all/Anything you want/I can bring/Give you the finer things/But what I really want/I can't find 'cause money can't find me/Somebody to love!"

Really Bieber? Because it sounds to me like that's exactly what you just tried to do. Y'know. Bribe a girl into loving you? Basically this part of the song is just saying, "I'll pay you to love me because I can't buy love."

...And then the song repeats the chorus and pre-chorus for a minute forty. A MINUTE FORTY. This song is 3 minutes 42 seconds long. That means, not even counting the first TWO repetitions of the chorus, the last 35% or so of the song song is chorus! That's absurd! Let's compare that to a GOOD song, 1985 (Mild language) by Bowling For Soup. (covered by them at least... Popularized... Whatever. It's the best version.)

That song is around 3 minutes 13 seconds. The chorus is about 20 seconds long. They go through it twice at the end of the song, for a total of about 40 seconds. That's reasonable. Also, the chorus to that song goes,

"Springstien/Madonna/Way before Nirvana/There was U2/And Blondie/And music still on MTV/Her two kids/In high school/They tell her that she's uncool/'Cause she's still preoccupied/With 1985"

Now contrast that with...

"I just need somebody to love!/I- I don't need too much/Just somebody to love/I don't need nothing else/I promise girl I swear/I just need somebody to love/I need somebody/I- I need somebody/I need somebody/I- I need somebody"

Did you catch the difference? Let me spell it out for you, the chorus of THIS abomination is essentially the same line repeated ad nauseam. It would be like having the chorus to "1985" be,

"1985/Oh I wish it were 1985/1985/1985/Oh I wish it were 1985"

Do you get my point? The idea of a chorus is not to repeat the same line over and over again, it's to get across the main message of the song, in a way that's pleasant for the listener to hear. The chorus of "Somebody to Love" isn't even pleasant to listen to the FIRST time, let alone after 3-4 immediate repetitions. Even a chorus as AWESOME as "1985" has would get irritating after 3-4 repetitions in a row.

You see, the point of having verses in a song is to break up the lyrics, so it's not just the same set of lines being repeated. There's nothing wrong with a chorus, as I said it's basically the backbone of the song, but you simply CAN'T have a chorus carry on for a minute forty at the end of the song. It just doesn't work. It gets tedious and dull, no matter how great the lyrics are, and of course in this case it's even worse because the lyrics are tedious enough without being repeated 3-4 times in a row.

I think this is actually my least favorite Bieber song yet. At least the others rhymed! This is just dull, even more repetitive than Eenie Meenie, which I didn't think POSSIBLE, and just plain bad. Still nothing resembling an "epic lyric", although he did at least have one line that resembled "clever" in this song.

Next up, "One Less Lonely Girl". If it's worse than this one was, I may not survive.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber and Sean Kingston's "Eenie Meenie"

Hello, and welcome to the next edition of "Lyrical Analysis"! Where I analyze every lyric of a bad song, and explain just what makes them bad.

We've got a whopper today folks. Today's song makes "Baby" look like it was The Beatles.

Today's song is Eenie Meenie.

Eenie Meenie is a joint effort by Justin Bieber, who we all know and (hopefully) loathe, and Sean Kingston. Alright let me get this part out of the way, I have no idea who Kingston is, but he's the more tolerable part of this song. He's not great by any means, but he's a lot better than Bieber. But I'm not here to talk about their singing voices, I'm here to talk about LYRICS! And this song has some of the worst lyrics I've ever heard. So let's begin listening to the song "Eenie Meenie".

It starts with a little intro of the rap portion later in the song... I'll cover that, oh TRUST ME, I'll cover that, later on in the song, when it's actually done all the way through.

"(Kingston)She's indecisive/She can't decide

"This song's redundant/It repeats itself"

"She keeps on lookin'/From left to right"

Well, crossing the street is serious business Sean.

"Girl c'mon get closer/Look in my eyes"

See, now THIS is the proper way to use the term "Look in my eyes". Good job.

"Searchin' is so wrong/I'm Mr. Right"


"You seem like the type/To love 'em and leave 'em/And disappear right after this song"

Honestly, I'm a sucker for self aware references like this in songs, even when they're painfully bad, so this was fairly amusing.

"So give me the night/To hold you and show you/Don't leave me dancin' out here alone"

Yeah... Hold you... That's what he's... Going to do... This lyric is not dirty at all... Not. At. All.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!"

Geez! And I thought the first line was repetitive!

"('Cause) Shadi (Shawty? Shoddy? Shotty?) is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

Ok, I let me knock the obvious out of the way here, EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO LOVER?! EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO LOVER?!?!

Seriously, this line is dumb. Just... Dumb. Eenie Meenie Miney Mo did NOT need to be used in a song. Ever. It's a children's nonsense rhyme, and they based the entire chorus- no, the entire SONG, after it.

Also it should be "an" not "a".

BUT! The point I actually really want to make here is WHAT THE HECK IS "SHADI"?!

Seriously, I first heard this term in Iyaz's "Replay" (not a great song, not a terrible song), and I thought it was supposed to be a name. Now I've been informed that it's a nickname you call a short girl, derived from "Shorty"?

...What?! Seriously... Is this going to become a thing? Because it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And I'm currently analyzing a song called "Eenie Meenie".

"Shorty" was already a short enough word, that there was NO NEED to turn it into some... Bizzare... Crazy moon language word. Seriously. This word, "Shadi", or "Shawty", or "Shoddy", or whatever... It just makes me angry. Maybe I'm alone, but I HATE this term, and it ruins a song for me when I hear it.


"(Bieber)Let me show you what your missin'/Paradise/With me you're winnin' girl/You don't have to roll the dice"

Wow. I haven't heard someone abuse syllables that badly since the Transformers theme song tried to fit "The Decepticons" into one syllable.

"Tell me what you're here for?/Them other guys?"

Um... Judging from everything you've said so far, I'd say... Yes.

"I can see right through ya'"

...Ok... And... Waiting for you to say the next line... What are you rhyming "ya" with? Anyone? Anyone? Song? Are you moving on? Hello? Song? Hello? Hello? Anyone? ...Ok, I guess we're moving on.

"You seem like the type/To love 'em and leave 'em/And disappear right after the song"

It was better when Kingston did it. And said "this". Not "the".

"So give me the night/To hold you and show you/Don't leave me dancin' after out here alone"

Stiiiiiiiill dirty.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!"

One, one, one, one!


"('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

Seriously, what does that even mean?! I get it's supposed to mean she's indecisive but... Eenie Meenie Miney Mo is a pretty strict way of making decisions. It's arbitrary, sure, but... Still... Unless it's literal, and she's actually making the choice of who to date by playing Eenie Meenie Miney Mo... Uhh... Red flag dude. Red flag.

"(Rapped by Kingston with Beiber joining in later) Eenie meenie miney mo/catch a bad chick by her toe/If she holla'- If- If- If she holla/Let her go (x2)"

Because remember kids, when a girl breaks up with you, grab her and don't let her go until she screams.

"('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

You know how I said the line "Are we an item?" was not helping his case in the eyes of the people who make fun of him? I don't think Justin Bieber calling a girl Shadi (Shorty) is going to help that much either.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!

MORE REPETITION?! JUST WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR! (Don't worry, we're almost done.)

('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

And thus ends yet another abysmal song by Justin Bieber. Even more repetitive than Baby, and, while I do think that the singing is FAR better in Eenie Meenie than it was in Baby (thanks in no small part to Kingston), the lyrics were even WORSE.

Well, I've searched two songs thus far, and I've yet to find a single line that could be considered anything CLOSE to an "epic lyric". What next, you may ask? Well... Honestly I don't know. Didn't he do a Queen cover or something?

Monday, March 14, 2011

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Baby"

Hello! And welcome to the latest feature on this blog, "Lyrical Analysis"! Perhaps I should explain.

Now, I'm sure everyone knows who Justin Bieber is, that is to say, a no-talent hack. But, I've noticed something very disturbing as of late, and oddly, it's not Bieber Fever (although that is worrisome) that I find the most strange. It's the normal people, that is to say the ones who despise Bieber, who have on multiple occasion's told me they love Bieber's lyrics. These are people with musical taste I can respect, and who agree his voice sounds like that of a twelve year old girl, and yet they still somehow hear Bieber's songs and find the lyrics to be, and I quote, "epic".

I... Don't understand.

Now as I've said before, I don't know much about music. I don't play any instruments, I'm not a great singer, and most of the hit songs I've heard, I only know from Pandora, Glee, or Rock Band. I'm as little of a music buff as you can be.

But if there's one thing I pride myself on being able to examine in music, it's lyrics. I know what makes good writing, I know what makes bad writing, and I certainly know which of those two Bieber's abominable lyrics are.

So, let's dive right into Bieber's biggest hit, "Baby".

"Oh wooooah
Oh wooooah
Oh wooooah"

It's around here I start writhing in pain upon listening to his voice. I know there's nothing wrong with the song yet, I just want you to understand the pain I'm going through for you, dear readers.

"You know you love me/I know you care"

Oh great, the first two lines of the song and already I take issue with it. "You know you love me." He says. Think about this line for a moment. "You know you love me." he says. Basically, what he's saying is, "I'm so awesome, I KNOW you care about me, how could you not, I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!" (Not to be confused with Harry Freakin' Potter. Look it up.)

What a conceited way to start the song.

"Just shout whenever/And I'll be there"

Fine, this is your typical cliched "I'll always be there for you girl!" line. Whatever. It's... Fine.

"You want my love/You want my heart"

Again, another conceited "I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!" line. And I know if you're a fan of the song, you're probably trying to tell me it's not conceited, he's just stating the FACT that she loves him... Remember this line for later for me, please, please do.

"And we will never ever ever be apart"

Ugh, typical romantic cheese line. Again, whatever, this line isn't the worst thing in the world, and it's certainly not the worst line in the song (we still have Ludacris' rap to get through, don't forget.) but, much like a couple lines before it, it's cliched, and nothing I haven't heard a million times before, in much much better songs.

"Are we an item?/Girl quit playin'/We're just friends/What are you sayin'?"

Hoo boy, here we go.

FIRST! "Are we an item"? Really Bieber? I've got news for you. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. AT ALL. ESPECIALLY MEN. You know, people might stop giving you such a hard time about your voice sounding girly, if you didn't reinforce that with THE GIRLIEST LYRICS IN THE WORLD!

Second! Remember when I said to remember him saying that she loved him for later? Well read these lines. She is CLEARLY SAYING SHE DOES NOT LOVE HIM. In fact, these lines JUST MAKE IT COME ACROSS LIKE HE'S HITTING ON HER! Therefore the above lines WERE in fact him just saying "I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!"

Third! "We're just friends, what are you sayin'?" Um... Justin, how much more plainly does she have to put it? Obviously, what she's saying is that you are JUST FRIENDS! NOTHING MORE! Seriously, you know the saying that you have to be drawn a map... Well this is apparently literal. She is LITERALLY SPELLING IT OUT FOR YOU, and STILL you don't understand. So let me explain. You hit on her. She turned you down. Likely because you used the term "item".

"Said there's another/Look right in my eyes"

Hey! Bad grammar! No seriously though, what does this mean? He switched from the first person, as though he were talking to another person, straight to talking to the audience with "said there's another" wrecking any flow this song might have had... And then... "Look right in my eyes"? What? What does that mean?

Is he saying that she looked into his eyes? It should say "Looked right into my eyes" then.

If he's switched back to talking as though he were in a conversation, then he's failed by switching tenses ONCE AGAIN.

Not to mention the fact that, obviously, he went straight from "Said there's another" (Past tense) to "Look right in my eyes" (Future tense).

Literally the ONLY correct way for this line to be written is "Looked right into my eyes".

"My first love broke my heart for the first time."

It would seem his first love is some random girl he hit on, and turning him down broke his heart. Ok. Sure.

"And I was like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Like baby, baby, baby noooo/Like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Thought you'd always be mine, mine. (x2)

Mine... Mine... My preeecious... My preeeeecious... We wants it... We neeeeeeds it...

"For you I would have done whatever"

That's not healthy Justin. Seriously. It's obvious you didn't know this girl ALL THAT WELL. Honestly, you're sounding a bit clingy. Like... Really clingy.

"And I just can't believe we ain't together."

Dude! You got dumped! It's not that unusual! And, even assuming you DID know the girl pretty well, with how clingy you sound NOW, NO WONDER she dumped you! My gosh!

"And I want to play it cool/But I'm losing you"

Lost. You screwed up the tense again Bieber. It's "But I lost you".

"I'll buy you anything/I'll buy you any ring"

Because remember kids, when a girl breaks up with you for being clingy, telling her you'll spend large amounts of money on her "JUST OH MY GOD DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME OH WHY", is always the correct response.

Also, I'm pretty sure he just proposed.

"And I'm in pieces/Baby fix me/And just shake me 'till you wake me/from this bad dream."

Again, she broke up with you, begging her to "fix you" and "shake you" are not good things to say in this situation, unless you are attempting to get yourself a restraining order.

"I'm going down, down, down, down"

I have no idea what this means. ...Like... At all.

"And I just can't believe/My first love won't be around"


"And I was like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Like baby, baby, baby noooo/Like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Thought you'd always be mine, mine. (x2)

Ok, I'm pretty sure this song was written by Johnny Bravo.

He is literally the only person who talks like this.

AND NOW WE HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT! The rap portion of this song is brought to you by Ludacris, who I'm told is a rapper of some sort. I wouldn't know.


Apparently the narcissistic sense of self worth is not exclusive to Bieber in this song.

"When I was 13/I had my first love"

Rant incoming.

OK! SO! Allow me to place my own morals upon others for a moment. WHO THE HECK THINKS THAT DATING AT 13 IS A GOOD IDEA? Seriously! This irritates me to no end. Every single day I see young kids, FAR too young to have any interest in romance, update their Facebook statuses (which they shouldn't even have, I'm talking about 8 year olds here) with some sort of relationship change, or comment about their boyfriends/girlfriends, or talking about how cute someone is...

YOU'RE 8! It's absurd! That's too young to be dating. 13 is too young. 14, 15, 16, that's a decent age. But anything below 14 is just absurd! Now get off my lawn you darned kids!

"There was nobody that compared to my baby/And nobody came between us or could ever come above"

What the heck does "come above us" mean? I get the rest of this line. I do. I have no issues with it... But I'm puzzled by the term "come above us". Seriously. Let me know if you understand.

"She had me goin' crazy/Oh I was starstruck/She woke me up daily/Don't need no Starbucks."

Product placement! Hurrah! Justin Bieber got tons of money for that arbitrary and forced line that adds nothing to the song!

"She made my heart pound/And skip a beat when I see her in the street and/At school on the playground/But I really want to see her on the weekend"

See above, but angrier.


"She knows she got me dazing/'Cuz she was so amazing"

"And now my heart is breakin'/But I just keep on sayin'"

And now we make the subtle transition from Ludacris' absurdly deep voice to Justin Bieber's... Not... Deep... Voice...

And thus, after several painful repetitions of the chorus and a few more repetitions of "I'm gone", the song is over. Thank god.

So, in short, "Baby" does not have "epic lyrics". "Baby" has terrible lyrics.

And the best part? This abomination is one of Bieber's best songs. But how should I pick which of his songs to analyze next? How could I possibly go through all of his songs and ever expect to be able to pick just one that's awful enough to top "Baby", when there's so many?

Hmm... Perhaps I should use EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO?!