Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Ladies and Gentlemen, I consider myself a down to Earth kind of guy when it comes to film. Ok that's a lie. I'm almost as much of a movie snob as I am a video game snob. However, even I can acknowledge when I movie is enjoyable despite massive flaws. True, I yell at movies quite frequently, but even then I typically enjoy the movies. I know it's absurd that the aliens use macs in Independence Day. I still love that movie. I love Jim Carrey even though he tends to overact (BUT SO HELP ME IF YOU THINK HE CAN'T ACT YOU GO WATCH THE TRUMAN SHOW AND THE MAJESTIC AND THEN TELL ME HE CAN'T ACT YOU STUPID STUPID PEOPLE HE'S A FREAKING GREAT ACTOR WHEN HE TRIES). I like the Star Wars prequels despite... Well...


*Ahem* moving on, the point is that I can enjoy a movie despite it's flaws. But folks, there are some films that just... Suck. Plain and simple. These films are just... Bad. They have no redeeming qualities... At all.

Here's 5 of them. Now I admit that when I say "Top 5" I don't think of these as the WORST movies ever made, but when I think movies that surpass being "so bad it's good" and go straight to "so bad it's terrible" these 5 tend to leap to mind. So without any further ado... Here's some bad movies.

5 - The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl


Good. Grief. What an awful movie. So, some of you may remember the 2001 film Spy Kids. It wasn't a classic or anything, but it was entertaining enough, and I loved it as a kid. Plus, it had Tony Shaloub as a villain. C'mon. That's awesome.

Then there was a sequel. And it wasn't as good.

Then there was a third one. And it sucked. And was in 3D, back when 3D sucked.

But of course, since the Spy Kids franchise was milked, the director had to make just ONE more kids film. Also in 3D. And it was an abomination.

You see, this film had one purpose: Make it look enough like another Spy Kids movie, that any kid who saw the trailer would think it WAS another Spy Kids movie. And it worked. And it was extremely awful.

The whole movie was about a kid who daydreams in school all day about characters named Sharkboy and Lavagirl (he was a creative genius, as you can tell) and all of the sudden they come alive or something and they're actually the werewolf from Twilight (I swear to God, I'm not kidding. It's really Taylor Lautner) and a girl who I swear could be Carmen's twin from Spy Kids and I actually thought it was the same actress until writing this post (she's also named Taylor, oddly enough) and they pull him into his daydreams literally and then there's this bad guy made of electricity and then there's a world made of crappy 3D effects and an ice cream mountain or something and the werewolf from Twilight has to be taken to water or he'll die or something and they take him to water and the bad guy causes tornadoes to come hit the town the kid lives in and then the tornadoes make the kids divorced parents reconcile immediately before being devoured by the electric monster bad guy and then it was all just a dream OR WAS IT it wasn't it was actually was happening and then it turns out the generic main character has the ultimate power of imagination (a really bad one at that, "Sharkboy" and "Lavagirl"? Really?) and then he uses the magic powers of imagination to fight the bad guy who's made out of a TV and then-

If this sounds like a completely and utterly retarded plot for a movie, that's because it is.

Also, Taylor Lautner is even worse in this than in twilight, if you believe that. Oh, and I think he takes his shirt off in this movie at least once. HE'S A KID. C'MON.

4 - Fantastic 4 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer

The Fantastic 4. What can you say about them? They're the quintessential hero team. The X-Men may be more famous now, but that's only because the movies have put them in the public consciousness by being AWESOME (except for X3. That one sucked. And yes, I loved Wolverine.) as opposed to the Fantastic 4 films which were passable and an abysmal abomination which should be burned, respectively.

The first film was far from great, but it entertained me enough to continue watching it all the way to the end, even through some groan-worthy moments. This movie though? It put me to sleep halfway through. And I never felt interested enough to finish watching it.

This is just a blueprint for everything NOT to do when making a superhero film. Susan Storm spends the whole film WHINING to Reed Richards about how now that they're getting married they need to STOP BEING SUPERHEROS!

...Or, maybe it was that they need to KEEP BEING SUPERHEROS! I honestly can't be bothered to remember which. It was stupid and annoying either way. Seriously. I mean, is it really that hard to make Jessica Alba bearable to watch? Don't answer that. (Oh joy, I've found out from writing this article they're making a Spy Kids 4. And she'll be in it. Well, she can't be any MORE annoying.)

The film deals with Galactus, one of the most iconic villains of the Marvel universe. Galactus is a giant who roams around space eating planets. That is, he does that in the comics. In this, he's giant cosmic GAS that eats planets. Yeah. I'm not kidding. They turned one of the coolest supervillains ever into a huge space fart.

Then there's the Silver Surfer, who it seems is just sort of there. He's working for Galactus, or maybe against Galactus, but I never understood how that works since Galactus is just space gas, I don't know this is about where I fell asleep. The point is they dropped any pretense of caring about the source material and turned one of the greatest Superhero teams ever into cardboard cutouts that make the people in 2012 look like interesting and well developed characters. And for that, I SPIT ON ZEM!!!

3 - The Last Mimzy

Ugh. Just. Ugh. Watch this trailer.

Dawww! Look at it! It's just like E.T., but with that guy from The Office in it!!! AND IT'S A BUNNY ALIEN! This movie is going to rock!

*One viewing of The Last Mimzy later*

That movie SUCKED!

Seriously, this movie is again, a case of just thinly stringing together a bunch of scenes that will look good in the trailer. Dwight isn't in it enough to warrant being in the trailer, that thing about the bunny in the picture from 200 years ago is never explained, and the movie is actually about two little kids (neither of whom can act) finding some sort of cube thingy that makes them super smart and makes them dream about building an elevator to space. Or something stupid.

There's very little to care about in the dull movie, the plot makes no sense, doesn't really end so much as just stopping, and there are huge plot holes that are barely filled with the main characters suddenly developing poorly explained superpowers that would make Stan Lee weep such as "Spider-Speak". It's exactly what it says on the tin folks.

The kids superpowers are, of course, never actually explained. I'll admit I can't actually remember how this one ends, it's been a long time, but I remember it was stupid, like everything else in this abysmal movie.

Also, the main characters aren't so much "charming" or "endearing" like some of the great children characters like Ralphie from A Christmas Story, or Kevin from Home Alone, no, they're more... Annoying. In fact, by the end of the movie, you'll want to wring them by their annoying little necks. They're bratty kids, and we had a 90 minute movie focusing on them.

Also, Dwight when he IS on screen isn't all that interesting. The performance seemed very phoned in. Also, they make it very clear that the woman he's living with isn't his wife. This is a children's film.

2 - Zoom

Oh come on Tim Allen WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! You were in Galaxy Quest! That's one of the best comedies ever! Now you're doing a cheap knockoff of Sky High? Really?

Yeah, so basically this movie is Sky High but without any of the funny jokes, interesting characters, or awesome plot developments. Tim Allen plays Zoom, a washed up superhero who lost his powers. The government finds out through the magic of PLOT HOLES that his brother, who is a supervillain, is going to be coming back from the dead pretty soon.

So they find other kids with superpowers (because y'know, it's really easy to find those kids with superpowers) and get Zoom to help them. WACKY SHENANIGANS TO FOLLOW! And by wacky shenanigans, I mean complete and utter boredom. Oh, and a Wendy's ad. No seriously. They put a Wendy's ad in the movie. There was an ad for the restaurant, and they just cut that out and stuck in in the film. You think I'm kidding but... I'm not. I'm really not. It's a big lipped alligator moment folks! They just, get in a spaceship and... Go get frostys! It's bad!

It had enormous plot hole such as the fact that one character (who's superpower is to expand like a balloon) has a subplot where they develop fabric that can expand with him. The only problem is WE SAW A NORMAL SWIMSUIT EXPAND WITH HIM IN HIS INTRODUCTION SHOT!

Then there's a crappy deus ex machina where Zoom gets his power back. Why? Because he never had anything to care about enough to USE his power. That's right folks. It's a care bears movie.


There's... Not much to say here. This is, bar none, the worst movie I've seen in my whole life. Worse than any of the others on this list.

I did a full review of it and please, check it out, I go in depth with why it's filled with suck and fail. (Hint: It's because it sucks and fails.)

Seriously. This movie is just... Bad. Really really bad. This movie ticks me off. Just go watch the first Home Alone instead. That one's a classic. This is... Pain. Just, pain. Pain diluted into it's purest form.

So in short, those were 5 of the worst movies I've ever seen. I hope you enjoyed this list more than you'd enjoy watching any of those horrendous films. Ugh.

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