How Not to Do Voice Acting, As Displayed by Assassin's Creed (And Fat Princess)

"No YOU don't understand, I have nothing!" ~ Every dang beggar woman in the whole freaking game.

"Altair, it seems my students do not fully understand how to wield the blade... Perhaps you could show them what you know?" ~ That stupid swordsman EVERY TIME YOU GET A NEW WEAPON.

"RAGGGHRHRGHRHG *Whimper*" ~ Those stupid lepers... IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THEY SHOVE YOU INTO A GROUP OF GUARDS.

"*Crying tears of rage*" ~ You, after about 15 minutes of playing Assassin's Creed.

Ok, Allow me to explain. In the game Assassin's Creed, there were a few problems. I already mentioned how Altair is the worst character since ever. But you know what annoyed me even more than the fact the main character had all the personality of a brick? The fact that it was he was surrounded by characters I wish were VOICE ACTED by bricks.

Now, let me say, the actual CHARACTERS were usually pretty ok. It was a little weird that the main character (Altair) had an American accent, but I chalked that up to not even bothering with the accent, and for the most part the accents were good. I actually quite liked the voice actors for the characters, and heck, they had Nolan North! Voice of Nathan Drake, the Prince in the latest Prince of Persia, and dozens of other games. He's one of the best VAs in the industry? So what's my problem then?

Every. Single. Non-major NPC. Said the same few lines. OVER. AND OVER. AND OVER.

"God save him! He's out of his mind!"

"You should stop acting like a child!"

"What would posses someone to do that?"

"Have you ever seen someone do that? I haven't."

"He's going to hurt himself... And when he does I won't help him!"

Oh and not to mention that each of the three cities has a unique guy publicly speaking, shouting for several blocks. The same message. Over and over. For the entire game. And did I mention that each town has more than one guy yelling that exact same message? ARGH.

It's so repetitive that by the end of the game you WILL TAKE THE HEALTH HIT TO ASSASSINATE THE STUPID PEOPLE.

Oh, and don't get me started on the beggars and lepers.

So, you're walking down the street, killin' some dudes, when all of the sudden...

"DURP DE DURP I AM DA BEGGAR WOMAN.... OH! LET ME GO HARASS THAT HEAVILY ARMED MAN!"

So then she does. She stands in your way, blocking you from killing the dudes that need killing, until you give her a coin. Of course, you can't give her a coin because THERE IS NO FREAKING MONEY SYSTEM IN THE GAME. YOU HAVE NOTHING? GOOD, BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING ALSO. GRAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

And then when you finally escape the stupid beggar woman.... You find a mad old leper. He pushes you. Anytime you get near him. And I swear they travel in packs. And push you into each other. It's Altair tennis. And they win by pushing you into a pack of guards. Who then get mad at you and try to kill you.

Another game that suffered from the exact same problem of repetitive voice acting was an indie title on the Playstation Network, called Fat Princess. Oh. My. Gosh.

"THEY HAVE THE PRINCESS!"

"THEY HAVE DROPPED THE PRINCESS!"

"THEY HAVE THE PRINCESS!"

"THEY HAVE DROPPED THE PRINCESS!"

"THEY'RE IN OUR BASE! KILLING OUR NEWBS!" (Nice way to be relevant game. [/sarcasm])

"THEY HAVE THE PRINCESS!"

"WE HAVE THE ENEMY PRINCESS!"

"THEY HAVE DROPPED THE PRINCESS!"

ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. You know what? If game companies won't record enough lines to keep me from wanting to kill myself while playing said game, then they should just go die. Seriously.