Lyrical Analysis - 3OH!3's "My First Kiss" Ft. Ke-DollarSign-Ha

*This weeks song contains lots and lots of sexual references, and has been known to induce vomiting the faint of heart. You have been warned.*

Hello, and welcome to the first weekly installment of Lyrical Analysis, where I find a crappy song, and explain exactly why it's so crappy.

Folks, until today, I've never managed to sit all the way through this song without turning it off. Ever. This song literally makes me nauseous to listen to. This song is worse than ANY of the Justin Bieber songs I featured during Bieber week. A lot worse. This is, in my opinion, a strong candidate for worst song ever written. And yes, I do mean EVER.

This song... Is "My First Kiss". God help us all.

Dear god. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

So, those of you who haven't been living under a freaking rock for the past year or so have probably heard Ke-DollarSign-Ha's hit singles "Tik Tok" (Pretty good song), "Your Love Is My Drug" (Decent song), and "Blah Blah Blah" (Not so good song). She's basically... Well, you know how Brittney Spears went from Disney star, to innocent singer, to blatantly sex crazed nut? Ke-DollarSign-Ha decided to just skip the first two steps. All her songs are about getting wasted and doing some illicit act.

Well, Ke-DollarSign-Ha decided to team up with the irritating sub-humans that are 3OH!3, to produce one of the most sickening abominations of a song ever written. Everything about this song is detestable. From the obnoxious vocals to the pulsing musical flow (or lack there of) the song has, this song is like musical vomit.

But quite possibly the worst part of this tone-deaf-shoe-scum are the "lyrics". And I say "lyrics" loosely, because you know how Bieber uses "oh" a lot in his songs? Well this song uses nauseating kissing sound effects.

So... Since I apparently hate myself, let's dive right into one of the worst songs ever written, "My First Kiss".

(3OH!3)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"

Oh dear god this is going to hurt a whole lot.

(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"

Two lines in, and I'm about to break down into tears. I really hate this song.

(3OH!3)"I said no more teachers/And no more books"

Remember kids, pay attention in schools, or you'll end up like 3OH!3. And kids, no one wants to be like 3OH!3.

"I gotta kiss under the bleachers/Hoping that nobody looks"

Why are you kissing under the bleachers then? Surely you could find someplace without, you know, tons of people? Right? Oh, I'm sorry, that would require actual functioning brain cells, which anyone involved with THIS is obviously lacking.

"Lips like licorice/Tongue like candy"

Remember when I said this song nauseated me? Yeah, I bet you thought I was exaggerating for effect. I wasn't.

"Excuse me miss/But can I get you out your panties?"

REALLY FREAKING TASTEFUL! SO FREAKING TASTEFUL! YOU, GOOD SIRS ARE SUCH FINE AND TACTFUL GENTLEMEN SOME SORT OF PRIZE SHOULD BE GIVEN TO YOU!

Prize for biggest idiots in the world perhaps?

"In the back of the car/On our way to the bar"

Dumb line. Next?

"I got you on my lips/(I got you on my lips)"

Folks, we're 35 seconds in, and I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I really hate this song.

"With your foot up the stairs/And my fingers in your hair"

...So they're under the bleachers...

And her foot is "up the stairs"...

Hold on, I'm trying to picture how this would look...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Nope. I got nothing.

"Baby this is it"

I'd make a "Baby" joke, but honestly? Not even that song deserves to be associated with this travesty.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)

That's the chorus folks. They could have assembled any series of words in any order possible, and THIS is the chorus they went with.

Ah well, at least we're not talking about Ke-DollarSign-Ha's undergarments any more.

(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss went a little like this"

Oh ok, so we've got Ke-DollarSign-Ha singing now. You'd think, naturally, we'd have her sing the next verse right? Wrong. She doesn't sing either of the verses in this song.

Now, I don't like Ke-DollarSign-Ha's singing that much. She's not very talented, and she really more of speaks her lines to music. But I have to ask, what the HECK was the point of having her appear in this song? She doesn't sing anything but "My first kiss went a little like this"! It's pointless! Pointless! POINTLESS I SAY! POINTLESS!

"I said no more sailor's/No more soldiers/With your name in a heart/Tattooed on their shoulders"

Ok, think about this for a second folks. A minute ago he was talking about kissing her under the bleachers. Thus, we have 3 possibilities brought to us by this song.

1. She is a high school student who has gotten involved enough with a "soldier or sailor", presumably over 18, to have him get her name tattooed on his shoulder. Gross.
2. He and she are adults, sneaking away to the local high school to make out. Gross, and weird.
3. He's switching tenses left and right, and can't decide if this song is about something that happened in the past (the bleachers), or something that is happening now (no more tattoos). Stupid. (Also gross, but less so than the other two options.)

"Your kiss is like whiskey/It gets me drunk"

Judging from "Tik Tok" that's probably because Ke-DollarSign-Ha drank so much that literally just the fumes from her breath are strong enough to get you drunk, just by kissing her.

Most people would have died from alcohol poisoning, but Ke-DollarSign-Ha is completely immune to alcohol poisoning. I know this because she would have to be more drunk than humanly possible to agree to appearing in this song.

"And I wake up in the morning/With the taste of your tongue"

I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. I HATE THIS SONG. I HATE THIS SONG. THIS SONG SHOULD DIE. I MUST KILL THIS SONG. BURN IT. BURN IT WITH FIRE. BURN IT UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT SCORCHED EARTH-

Woah. Sorry. I blacked out there for a minute. Yeah... This song sends me some dark places.

"In the back of car/On the way to the bar/I got you on my lips/I got you on my lips"

And we're doing this again.

"With your foot up the stairs/And my fingers in your hair/Baby this is it"

...

...

...

...

Stiiiiiill don't see how this is possible.

By the way, remember how I said it was a bad idea to make the last 30% of your song chorus? Well we're only halfway through, and we've got, you guessed it, nothing but chorus, and sickening kissing sounds.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)

YES. WE GET IT. IT'S AN OBNOXIOUS SEX REFERENCE. LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS STUPID STUPID SONG.

(3OH!3)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"

ARE YOU NAUSEATED YET? BECAUSE WE'VE STILL GOT OVER A MINUTE LEFT OF THIS SONG!

(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"My first kiss/Went a little like this/*Smooch* and twist/*Smooch* *Smooch* and twist"

Hello Ke-DollarSign-Ha.

Goodbye Ke-DollarSign-Ha.

(3OH!3)"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say"(Ke-DollarSign-Ha)"Ooooooooooooohhh"

Rapping the chorus does not a third verse make.

"She won't ever get enough/Once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way/You know that I'd make her say/Ooooooooooooohhh/Ooooooooooooohhh" (x2)

...Is that it? Did I make it? DID I SURVIVE?! Oh good grief it's over. Scarier than any horror film. The nightmares will plague me for weeks, but I did it. I sat through "My First Kiss", and told you why it sucks.

Good grief. This is just an abomination. There is absolutely no redeeming quality about this song, whatsoever. At least songs like "Eenie Meenie" had the upside of some decent music. And with songs like "Eenie Meenie" the lyrics may have been stupid, but they weren't nauseating. This? This isn't even sexual innuendo. This is just SEX. That's it. It's just two annoying neanderthals screaming about sex for three straight minutes in the most annoying way possible. And the result is one of, if not the, worst songs ever written.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Pray"

Welcome to Lyrical Analysis, where I say things that are probably going to get me in trouble.

Folks... Bieber made a "Contemporary Christian" song. If you aren't slamming your head against the keyboard yet, perhaps you didn't read that correctly. Bieber made a "Contemporary Christian" song.

At least, that's how it's marketed. But let's list things that are never mentioned in this song.

God
Jesus
The Bible
Christianity in any way
The cross
Any sort of Bible story
Any sort of notable Christians of the past two thousand years
Any sort of "beliefs"
Did I mention GOD AND JESUS?

Yeah. So basically, this song is Bieber saying the word "pray" a lot, and hoping Christian audiences will love it. So on that note, let's dive right in to, "Pray".

"And I Pray..."

...That this song won't suck...

"I just can't sleep tonight/Knowing things ain't right/It's in the papers/It's on the TV/It's everywhere that I go/Children are crying/Soldiers are dying/Some people don't have a home"

Oh great, it's going to be a guilt song. You know what I'm talking about. One of those songs that talks about how bad things are around the world, and how I should be ashamed of myself for lounging around listening to music while some kid in Africa starves to death. I hate those songs.

Now don't get me wrong, it is certainly a very sad world we live in. But I don't need a song to tell me about it, and try to guilt me into doing something.

First of all, guilt is just a scare tactic. Guilting someone into doing something is no better than threatening them. You see, threatening someone forces them to do something because they fear for the immediate consequence of not doing it. If they don't do it, you may beat them up, or cause some other sort of issue for them.

Guilt, however, is invoking the fear of the consequence of inaction. For example, guilt, in this way, is causing someone to fear that some child will starve because they didn't take the action to stop it.

Now, at first you may think that this tactic, while not the most ethical, is at least efficient. It gets things done, at least.

There's a line in the movie Inception (If you haven't seen it yet, why not?), "I think a positive emotional response is more effective than a negative one." This line perfectly sums up the flaw with guilting someone into action. Guilt is a negative emotion. You can't guilt someone into really giving their all. You just can't do it. Inside, although they may be doing good, they won't really be putting their heart into it.

It's not enough to guilt someone into doing something. You have to make them want to do it. And that is a lot harder.

You see, if someone legitimately wants to do good, they will be a force to be reckoned with. They'll be more effective at everything they do, because their heart will be in it. They'll want to do what you want them to do, every bit as much as you want them to do it.

So I don't care who it is, guilt songs are not a good thing. They're a scummy scare tactic.

We're two lines in, and I've already done one full blown rant. I knew this would be a good one to finish Bieber Week with.

"But I know there's sunshine behind that rain/I know there's good times behind that pain/Can you tell me how I could make a change?"

Donate the proceeds of this song to charity. Boom.

Correct me if I'm wrong in the comments, as I said, I don't follow Bieber, but scanning the Wikipedia article on this song, I don't see anything indicating he did.

Edit: Alright, I've since been informed that he does in fact donate large amounts of money to charity quite frequently. Fair enough, like I said, I don't follow Bieber, I wouldn't know.

"I close my eyes and I can see a better day/I close my eyes and pray"

References to God in this song so far: 0
References to praying: 2

"I lose my appetite/Knowing kids starve tonight"

Let me translate this lyric from guilt-song-talk into normal speech.

"IF YOU LIVE IN ANY SORT OF COMFORT YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!"

"Am I a sinner/'Cause half my dinner/Is still here on my plate?"

Bieber would have you believe the answer is yes.

Seriously, this ticks me off. This is basically implying if you have any disposable income, have more food than you can eat, or have any luxury items whatsoever, you're somehow doing something WRONG! Well you know what Bieber, you're marketing this as a "Contemporary Christian" song, tapping into your "beliefs", so I have NO PROBLEM pulling out the scripture on you:

(From John 12, NIV, Verses 1-7)
"Six days before the Passover, Jesus came to Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus’ honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, “Why wasn’t this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year’s wages.” He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it.

“Leave her alone,” Jesus replied. “It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. 8 You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me.”"

Did you catch that? If not, perhaps I should give you that same passage in MUSICAL FORM!



For those still not getting it, Jesus was relaxing after all the stress of, y'know, living a perfect earthly existence, when Mary Magdalene anointed him with expensive perfume. Judas Iscariot (the same man who would later betray Jesus) said that Jesus was wrong to enjoy the perfume when there would be poor people starving to death. (The same thing Bieber is saying RIGHT NOW.)

Judas said they should sell the perfume and donate the money to the poor (although in truth he just wanted to take the money for himself). How did Jesus respond? By telling Judas that no matter what, there would always be poor people, and that while it's good to want to help the poor, there's nothing wrong with enjoying what YOU have.

In other words Bieber, no, you are not a sinner because half of your dinner is still on your plate. You may be an idiot for asking, but stupidity is not a sin.

Wow, two full blown rants, and we're only halfway through the song.

"Ooh, I got a vision/To make a difference/And it's starting today"

Great. Tell me what it is, and we'll get started on it. Hello? Bieber? Just tell me this so called plan you have. Nothing? Ok.

"Because I know there's sunshine/Behind that rain/I know there's good times/Behind that pain/Heaven tell me I can make a change"

Did you catch that? He's praying, not to GOD, but to HEAVEN. Because saying the word GOD would be too controversial and might hurt sales from the athiest audience. Screw. This. Song. I haven't heard such a messed up perception of what "prayer" is since that episode of Doctor Who where Amy Pond is praying to Santa.

"I close my eyes/And I can see a better day/I close my eyes and pray"

Ok, I have no idea if Bieber is really a Christian or if he just thought this would be good publicity, that's not my place to judge, but assuming that he is, he may be better off opening his eyes and reading the bible, judging from his previous question. Completely serious here.

"I pray for all the brokenhearted/I pray for all the lives not started"

Oh I'm not touching that line with a fifty foot pole.

"I pray for all the lungs not breathing/I pray for all the lives in need a break(?)"

1. That doesn't rhyme.
2. That REALLY doesn't rhyme.
3. You dropped the word "of".

"Can you give 'em one today?"

Break them off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar. C'mon man.

And then, like so many other crappy Bieber songs, we get a minute and a half of the chorus again. Ugh. Despicable.

What a shameful song! I understand that the world is in a bad shape right now, but writing songs like THIS and telling people the BLATANT LIE that it's immoral to live in comfort when someone else is worse off than you is just shameful. This song, quite simply, sucks. Everything about these lyrics is stupid, and obviously trying nothing but to give everyone listening to it a guilt trip, which irritates me to no end, especially knowing that Bieber probably recorded this song in a studio that's more luxurious than the homes of most of the people listening to this song.

This kind of drivel is exactly the problem with so called Christian music. I like Five Iron Frenzy. I like Relient K. I like a lot of other Christian artists, who certainly do NOT sound like this, and who actually sing about CHRISTIANITY!

And thus concludes Bieber week. That's right folks, I survived. 7 Bieber songs in 7 days. And all of them were terrible.

Due to positive feedback for Bieber week, I've decided to try to turn Lyrical Analysis into a weekly feature here at Wherein I Rant About the World. Not just about Bieber of course, there are LOTS of terrible songwriters out there just begging for me to decimate their lyrics. The Black Eyed Peas, Ke-DollarSign-Ha, 3OH!3, none shall be safe from my wrath.

So tune in next Saturday for the first weekly installment of "Lyrical Analysis"! I'll be covering a song worse than any song Bieber has ever made! Yeah folks, it's possible.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Love Me"

Hello and welcome to Lyrical Analysis, where I take a crappy song and eviscerate it.

Today's song is, although probably not his worst, certainly one of Justin Bieber's saddest songs. Not sad in the "oh my gosh that's so sad I sympathize with him!" way either. More in that "Wow. He's one pathetic person." way.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Love Me".

"My friends say I'm a fool"

You are.

"To think/That you're the one for me/I guess I'm just a sucker for love"

Or, judging how well some of his other songs ended up, punishment.

"'Cuz honestly the truth/Is that you know I'm never leavin'/'Cuz you're my angel sent from above"

As opposed to, y'know, that dishonest truth.

"Baby you can do no wrong/My money is yours/Give you a little more/'Cuz I love ya'/Love ya'"

Once again, Justin Bieber tries to bribe girls into loving him.

"With me, girl/Is where you belong"

"Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'"

This part becomes really pathetic in about 5 seconds.

"Love me/Love me/Say that you love me"

"OH GOD! PLEASE! I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING! I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU JUST PLEASE, PLEEEEASE SAY YOU LOVE ME! PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! LOOOOOVEEEEE MEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

...Yeah. That's all I'm hearing during this song.

"Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

Seriously. The chorus of this song is LITERALLY begging a girl to love him. How sad is that? (Hint: Very sad.)

"People try to tell me/But I still refuse to listen/'Cuz they don't get to spend time with you"

Judging from how much you're begging her to love you, I'm betting pretty soon you won't get to spend time with her either.

"A minute with you is worth/More than a thousand days without/Your love/Oh your love"

Amazing. Justin Bieber is now stealing lyrics from worship songs.

"Baby you can do no wrong/My money is yours/Give you a little more/'Cuz I love ya'/Love ya'"

With me, girl/Is where you belong/Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

And then we get repetitions of the pre-chorus and chorus again. Joy. Repetition. Of already crappy lyrics. It's like Christmas in March. If Christmas sucked. And also, was in March.

"My heart is blind/But I don't care/'Cuz when I'm with you/Everything has disappeared/And every time/I hold you near/I never want to let you go, ooooooh!"

Wow. This is like originality, only different. Seriously, these are some of the most bland lyrics I've covered thus far. They aren't terrible, but they aren't good either. That's really the biggest problem with this song, other than the fact that the chorus is literally Justin Bieber begging someone to love him. The song isn't awful, but it's just so lyrically bland there's not much you can say about it outside of the obvious "It sucks!".

With me, girl/Is where you belong/Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

Aaaand we're done.

I've now review 6 Justin Bieber songs. I have yet to find an "Epic Lyric". I am, however, losing my mind.

Lyrically, while it's absurdly pathetic, the song itself is more tightly held together, and doesn't just seem to meander around aimlessly like Somebody to Love or One Less Lonely Girl. The lyrics are bad, but the structure of the song is better than some of Bieber's other stuff. Of course, "better" is relative, since it's still not GOOD, by any means.

Like I said above, the biggest problem with "Love Me", other than the obvious ("OH PLEASE LOVE ME PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING I'LL CRY IF YOU SAY YOU DON'T LOVE ME PLEASE PLEASE LOVE ME OH DEAR GOD WHYYYY?") is that it exists in that area of quality where it's bad enough that I'd never want to listen to it, but not quite bad enough that there's really all that much for me to get upset about.

And in my opinion, that's the worst kind of song to talk about. Worse than "Baby". Worse than "Never Say Never". Worse even than "Eenie Meenie". Because those reviews were fun to write, and I would hope, to read. The problem with talking about songs like "Love Me" is that they exist in a musical dead zone, not good enough to care about, but also not bad enough to care about.

You see, that's probably the worst thing an artist can do, no matter what medium they're in. Sure, you can make crap, but at least if your crap is genuinely bad people will remember how bad it was. I honestly think that may be the only reason Assassin's Creed, for example, spun off into an entire series. People hated the first game, but talked about it so much, and remembered it so much, that when the "improved" second game came out, it was still fresh in everyone's mind. And it sold like hotcakes.

True, you should aim for good, whether it be in film, television, gaming, music, books, art, or any other medium you can imagine, but if you're unable to reach good and only able to reach "adequate", that means your product will only be forgettable, just like this song. I can't really call this song abysmal, because in truth? It's not. It's a lot better than "Eenie Meenie", "Somebody to Love", or "One Less Lonely Girl". But as I said before, it exists in that dead zone of being so average that there is absolutely no reason for it to exist. If I want to listen to some bad songs I can listen to "Eenie Meenie", or "Baby". If I want to listen to some good songs, I can... I dunno... Go listen to Bowling for Soup or something.

So that's "Love Me". It's not really good, it's not really bad, it just sort of exists. Well folks, we've just got one day left of Bieber Week, and tomorrow I'll be covering something that will make me even rantier than usual. Tomorrow I'll be analyzing what happens when you make a Contemporary Christian song that never mentions God. Tomorrow, on the final day of Bieber Week, I'll be covering "Pray".

And, pun intended, God help us all.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Never Say Never" Ft. Jaden Smith

Welcome to Lyrical Analysis where- Uggggggghhhhhhh which one is this? The Karate Kid one? Ugh. Fine.

"Never Say Never" was written for the 2010 version of "The Karate Kid", a phenomenal movie you should absolutely go see, despite the fact that it has nothing whatsoever to do with karate.

Also, this song, which played over the credits, was the worst part of the film.

And because I'm a sucker for punishment, let's dive right in to, "Never Say Never"

"See I never thought that I could walk through fire/I never thought that I could take the burn"

Buffy did it better.

"I never had the strength to take it higher/Until I reached the point of no return"

Oh good, this one's going to actually rhyme.

"And there's just no turning back/When your heart's under attack"

Hmm, pro tip, when you're writing a motivational song, try not to group the words "Heart" and "Attack" near each other. It's depressing.

"Gonna give everything I have/It's my destiny!"

"I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN'-" Oh forget it.

"I will never say never/I will fight 'till forever"

But MAN, once forever hits, he's OUT of here.

"Whenever you knock me down/I'll never stay on the ground/Pick it up/Pick it up/Pick it up, up, up, up, up"

Please don't waste my time, time, time, time- ...Oh sorry, wrong song.

"Never say never (x3)"

You know, for a song about not saying never, they just say it a lot.

"I never thought that I could face this power/I never thought that I could feel this free

FREE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MEEEEEEEEE... Crap, wrong song again.

"I'm strong enough to climb the highest tower/And I'm fast enough to run across the sea"

Hm... A version of The Flash with Justin Bieber instead of Barry Allen... Ehhhh, no thank you.

(Pre-Chorus) (Chorus) (That part with the pick it ups)

And then we get Justin Bieber and Jaeden Smith rapping. Joy.

"(Smith)Here we go!/Guess who?"

Hmmmmm, is it... Batman?!

"(Bieber)J. Smith and J. B."

Awww...

"I gotcha lil' bro"

That sounds dumb. Don't say that.

"(Smith)I can handle him"

Yeah, this is playing over the credits after all, didn't you watch the movie?!

"Well he's bigger than me/And stronger than me/And older than me/And taller than me/And his arm's a little bit longer than me"

Ok, I actually find that last line hysterical, only because... Have you seen Jaden Smith? The kid's tiny.

"But he ain't on a J.B. song wit' me!"

I'm sure that probably made someone jealous. Somewhere. That person is a girl.

"I be tryin' a chill/They be tryin' to side with the thrill"

Ok, can SOMEONE please tell me what "siding with the thrill" means? Because I have no clue. At all.

"No pun intended/Was raised by the power of Will"

Liar. That pun was totally intended.

"Like Luke with the force/If push comes to shove/Like Cobe in the 4th/Ice water with blood"

I'm sure that reference made sense to someone, somewhere.

"I gotta be the best/And yes we're the flyest"

Folks, I'd like to make a joke out of that, but honestly? There's nothing I can say to make that funnier. What is there to say about the term "Flyest" appearing in a Justin Bieber song? Nothing. That's what.

So really, all I can provide is this:

"Like David and Goliath/I conquered the giant"

Actually kid, he was pretty average size, you're just tiny.

"So now I got the world in my hand/I was born from two stars/So the moon's where I land"

OK JADEN WE GET IT YOUR PARENTS ARE FAMOUS! LET IT GO!

(Pre-Chorus) (Chorus) (Pre-Chorus Again?) (Never Say Never x3)

Aaaaand we're done. Ok. Well, the lyrics are cheese filled and CERTAINLY not "epic". The lyrics Justin Bieber was actually singing were awful, but that one line Jaden sung did get a pretty good chuckle out of me. I'd rate this above "Somebody to Love" or "One Less Lonely Girl" certainly, somewhere alongside "Baby" and "Eenie Meenie" in the land of being merely awful.

Next up... I don't actually know. I think I've covered his big 5 hits. I suppose I'll have to look through his discography, or find another singer to cover. Ah well, I'll figure something out.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "One Less Lonely Girl"

Hello, and welcome once again to Lyrical Analysis, where I- OH GOD THE CRAPPY MUSIC IT BURNS!

Today I'm going to be reviewing "One Less Lonely Girl". Today's is notable because as of writing this sentence, I actually have yet to hear "One Less Lonely Girl". I've got it all queued up in another tab, and I'm going to press play now.

*Time passes*

2 minutes 29 seconds in. This song goes on FOREVER!

*Time passes*

Ugh... Let's just start, shall we?



He starts the song with an annoyingly fake "Alright let's go" (trust me Bieber, I'd love to, but I'm doing this for the readers.)

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl (One less lonely girl) (x4)"

Oh joy, 15 seconds in, and already with the repetition. This is going to hurt a whole lot, isn't it?

"How many I told yous/And start overs/And shoulders have you cried on before?"

Yes, please do tell me how many I told you's, and start overs you've cried on. Please.

"How many promises/Be honest girl/How many tears you let hit the floor?"

Nothing spectacularly bad about this part, although I do have to comment that, again, like with the previous line, he starts with "how many promises" as though he's going to ask a question, and then switches to a different question entirely.

Focus Bieber, get one question out, THEN move on to the next.

"How many bags you packed/Just to take 'em back/How many either or's?/(But no more!)"

At least this one seems to rhyme.

"If you let me inside of your world/There'll be one less lonely girl"

Because Justin Bieber will no longer be lonely. ZING!

"Oh ohh ohhh/I saw so many pretty faces/Before I saw you, you/Now all I see is you/I'm coming for you"

Folks, he just rhymed you, with you, and then continued by rhyming THAT you, once again, with you.

Give him a hand folks, it takes skill to be that awful.

"No, don't need these other pretty faces/Like I need you, you/And when you're mine/In this world/There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

Do you see what he did there?! HE MIRRORED THE PREVIOUS LINE! MY GOD! HE'S A GENIUS!

...Wait no! He sucks!

"(I'm coming for you) There's gonna be one less lonely girl (x5)"

No seriously, I know I made that joke about him being a girl before, but much like in Baby and Eenie Meenie, it seems like he's setting himself up for some pretty obvious mockery with this one.

"I'm gonna put you first (I'm coming for you)/I'll show you what you're worth (That's what I'm gonna do)/If you let me inside of your world/There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

Again, nothing too offensively bad here, just dull and repetitive.

"Christmas wasn't merry/14th of February/Not one of them spent with you/How many dinner dates/Set dinner plates/And he didn't even touch his food/How many torn photographs/Saw you taping back/Tell me that/You couldn't see an open door"

Alright, this is actually the least sucky part of the song. It's not great, I'm not even sure I'd call it good, but it's certainly better than anything else in the song.

Basically, if the rest of the song were like this verse, I might not despise the song.

Aaand then we get more repetition of what I've already commented on. Greeeeat. Seriously, there's not much more I can say about the chorus. It's boring. It's bland. It's repetitive. It sucks. It has the same problem "Somebody to Love" had, of the chorus essentially being the same line over and over. So let's just skip ahead to the next verse, shall we?

"I can fix up your broken heart/I can give you a brand new start/I can make you believe/I just want to set one girl free to fall/Free to fall/Fall in love with me"

"I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!"

"Her heart's locked/And nowhere to find the key/I'll take her and leave the world/With one less lonely girl"

This part puzzles me. So he's saying that her heart is locked, and he cannot find the key... So he'll take her anyway, even though, since he can't unlock her heart, she's obviously not in love with him? What? That's kind of a depressing message to be sending your fans isn't it Bieber?

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl (x80 or so)"

And thus ends "One Less Lonely Girl". This song is just BORING. Nothing about it is memorable. It's somewhere in that dead zone, where it's not BAD enough for me to really get angry about anything in it, but it's certainly not GOOD. I hate talking about this, because there's not much to say either positive OR negative. Is it as bad as "Somebody to Love"? No. But the music is slow and dreary, the lyrics are repetitive like everything else Bieber's done, and overall, it's a forgettable song, both musically, AND lyrically.

Next up, "Never Say Never". God help me.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Somebody to Love"

Hello, and welcome once again to "Lyrical Analysis", where I decimate some poor unfortunate lyrics. It's ok though, they deserve it.

Justin Bieber seems to think "I'd" rhymes with "Mine". That's really all you need to know about this song.

"Somebody to Love" is not a Queen cover, and yes I was kidding when I said it was, and Justin Bieber is certainly no Freddy Mercury. ...Let's just start talking about the stupid song already. It's bad.



The song starts off with some strange "Gotta gotta gotta gotta" noises being sung by someone. I have no idea who. It couldn't be Bieber, the voice is completely different, but it doesn't seem to matter.

"Oh/Ohhhhh!"

Justin Bieber likes saying "Oh", it would seem.

"For you I'd write a symphony"

He never rhymes "Symphony" in this song.

"I'd tell the violin/It's time to sink or swim/March and play for 'ya"

...Violins? ...Marching?

...Am I missing some sort of common thread between these things? Because when I think marching band instrument, I don't exactly think of Violins.

"For you I'd be/Woahh woahh/Runnin' a thousand miles"

He never rhymes "miles" in this song.

"Just to get you where 'ya are/Step to the beat of my heart"

1. That doesn't rhyme.
2. I don't understand what "I'd run a thousand miles to get you where you are." is supposed to mean.
3. I also don't understand what "Step to the beat of my heart" means, but I'll dismiss that as lovey-dovey nonsense.

"I don't need a whole lot/Comin' from you I admit I'd/Rather give you the world/Or we can share mine"

First, he says "rather" give you the world. He never says what the other option is. Rather give her the world than... What? You... Never explain. Ever. That's only one half of the lyric.

Second, that doesn't rhyme either.

"I know I won't be the first one/Givin' you all this attention"

Ok, at least that rhymes. Sort of.

"I just need somebody to love!/I- I don't need too much/Just somebody to love"

Can anybody FIND me somebody to love?

"I don't need nothing else/I promise girl I swear"

That doesn't RHYME!

"I just need somebody to love/I need somebody/I- I need somebody/I need somebody/I- I need somebody"

We're quickly approaching Eenie Meenie territory here with all this repetition.

"Every day/I'd bring the sun around/slip away the clouds"

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a RHYME!

"Smile for me/smile for me"

"I would take/Every second/Every single time/Spend it like my last dime"

Hm. That's actually almost clever. Almost.

Then the chorus repeats, but it's so bland and generic, I don't think I can say anything about it. So... Next verse!

"Girl you can have it all/Anything you want/I can bring/Give you the finer things/But what I really want/I can't find 'cause money can't find me/Somebody to love!"

Really Bieber? Because it sounds to me like that's exactly what you just tried to do. Y'know. Bribe a girl into loving you? Basically this part of the song is just saying, "I'll pay you to love me because I can't buy love."

...And then the song repeats the chorus and pre-chorus for a minute forty. A MINUTE FORTY. This song is 3 minutes 42 seconds long. That means, not even counting the first TWO repetitions of the chorus, the last 35% or so of the song song is chorus! That's absurd! Let's compare that to a GOOD song, 1985 (Mild language) by Bowling For Soup. (covered by them at least... Popularized... Whatever. It's the best version.)

That song is around 3 minutes 13 seconds. The chorus is about 20 seconds long. They go through it twice at the end of the song, for a total of about 40 seconds. That's reasonable. Also, the chorus to that song goes,

"Springstien/Madonna/Way before Nirvana/There was U2/And Blondie/And music still on MTV/Her two kids/In high school/They tell her that she's uncool/'Cause she's still preoccupied/With 1985"

Now contrast that with...

"I just need somebody to love!/I- I don't need too much/Just somebody to love/I don't need nothing else/I promise girl I swear/I just need somebody to love/I need somebody/I- I need somebody/I need somebody/I- I need somebody"

Did you catch the difference? Let me spell it out for you, the chorus of THIS abomination is essentially the same line repeated ad nauseam. It would be like having the chorus to "1985" be,

"1985/Oh I wish it were 1985/1985/1985/Oh I wish it were 1985"

Do you get my point? The idea of a chorus is not to repeat the same line over and over again, it's to get across the main message of the song, in a way that's pleasant for the listener to hear. The chorus of "Somebody to Love" isn't even pleasant to listen to the FIRST time, let alone after 3-4 immediate repetitions. Even a chorus as AWESOME as "1985" has would get irritating after 3-4 repetitions in a row.

You see, the point of having verses in a song is to break up the lyrics, so it's not just the same set of lines being repeated. There's nothing wrong with a chorus, as I said it's basically the backbone of the song, but you simply CAN'T have a chorus carry on for a minute forty at the end of the song. It just doesn't work. It gets tedious and dull, no matter how great the lyrics are, and of course in this case it's even worse because the lyrics are tedious enough without being repeated 3-4 times in a row.

I think this is actually my least favorite Bieber song yet. At least the others rhymed! This is just dull, even more repetitive than Eenie Meenie, which I didn't think POSSIBLE, and just plain bad. Still nothing resembling an "epic lyric", although he did at least have one line that resembled "clever" in this song.

Next up, "One Less Lonely Girl". If it's worse than this one was, I may not survive.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber and Sean Kingston's "Eenie Meenie"

Hello, and welcome to the next edition of "Lyrical Analysis"! Where I analyze every lyric of a bad song, and explain just what makes them bad.

We've got a whopper today folks. Today's song makes "Baby" look like it was The Beatles.

Today's song is Eenie Meenie.

Eenie Meenie is a joint effort by Justin Bieber, who we all know and (hopefully) loathe, and Sean Kingston. Alright let me get this part out of the way, I have no idea who Kingston is, but he's the more tolerable part of this song. He's not great by any means, but he's a lot better than Bieber. But I'm not here to talk about their singing voices, I'm here to talk about LYRICS! And this song has some of the worst lyrics I've ever heard. So let's begin listening to the song "Eenie Meenie".



It starts with a little intro of the rap portion later in the song... I'll cover that, oh TRUST ME, I'll cover that, later on in the song, when it's actually done all the way through.

"(Kingston)She's indecisive/She can't decide

"This song's redundant/It repeats itself"

"She keeps on lookin'/From left to right"

Well, crossing the street is serious business Sean.

"Girl c'mon get closer/Look in my eyes"

See, now THIS is the proper way to use the term "Look in my eyes". Good job.

"Searchin' is so wrong/I'm Mr. Right"

"I'M SEAN FREAKING KINGSTON!"

"You seem like the type/To love 'em and leave 'em/And disappear right after this song"

Honestly, I'm a sucker for self aware references like this in songs, even when they're painfully bad, so this was fairly amusing.

"So give me the night/To hold you and show you/Don't leave me dancin' out here alone"

Yeah... Hold you... That's what he's... Going to do... This lyric is not dirty at all... Not. At. All.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!"

Geez! And I thought the first line was repetitive!

"('Cause) Shadi (Shawty? Shoddy? Shotty?) is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

Ok, I let me knock the obvious out of the way here, EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO LOVER?! EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO LOVER?!?!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!@!@!111!!!!!!one!!!!

Seriously, this line is dumb. Just... Dumb. Eenie Meenie Miney Mo did NOT need to be used in a song. Ever. It's a children's nonsense rhyme, and they based the entire chorus- no, the entire SONG, after it.

Also it should be "an" not "a".

BUT! The point I actually really want to make here is WHAT THE HECK IS "SHADI"?!

Seriously, I first heard this term in Iyaz's "Replay" (not a great song, not a terrible song), and I thought it was supposed to be a name. Now I've been informed that it's a nickname you call a short girl, derived from "Shorty"?

...What?! Seriously... Is this going to become a thing? Because it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And I'm currently analyzing a song called "Eenie Meenie".

"Shorty" was already a short enough word, that there was NO NEED to turn it into some... Bizzare... Crazy moon language word. Seriously. This word, "Shadi", or "Shawty", or "Shoddy", or whatever... It just makes me angry. Maybe I'm alone, but I HATE this term, and it ruins a song for me when I hear it.

Anyways.

"(Bieber)Let me show you what your missin'/Paradise/With me you're winnin' girl/You don't have to roll the dice"

Wow. I haven't heard someone abuse syllables that badly since the Transformers theme song tried to fit "The Decepticons" into one syllable.

"Tell me what you're here for?/Them other guys?"

Um... Judging from everything you've said so far, I'd say... Yes.

"I can see right through ya'"

...Ok... And... Waiting for you to say the next line... What are you rhyming "ya" with? Anyone? Anyone? Song? Are you moving on? Hello? Song? Hello? Hello? Anyone? ...Ok, I guess we're moving on.

"You seem like the type/To love 'em and leave 'em/And disappear right after the song"

It was better when Kingston did it. And said "this". Not "the".

"So give me the night/To hold you and show you/Don't leave me dancin' after out here alone"

Stiiiiiiiill dirty.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!"

One, one, one, one!

...What?

"('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

Seriously, what does that even mean?! I get it's supposed to mean she's indecisive but... Eenie Meenie Miney Mo is a pretty strict way of making decisions. It's arbitrary, sure, but... Still... Unless it's literal, and she's actually making the choice of who to date by playing Eenie Meenie Miney Mo... Uhh... Red flag dude. Red flag.

"(Rapped by Kingston with Beiber joining in later) Eenie meenie miney mo/catch a bad chick by her toe/If she holla'- If- If- If she holla/Let her go (x2)"

Because remember kids, when a girl breaks up with you, grab her and don't let her go until she screams.

"('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

You know how I said the line "Are we an item?" was not helping his case in the eyes of the people who make fun of him? I don't think Justin Bieber calling a girl Shadi (Shorty) is going to help that much either.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!

MORE REPETITION?! JUST WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR! (Don't worry, we're almost done.)

('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

And thus ends yet another abysmal song by Justin Bieber. Even more repetitive than Baby, and, while I do think that the singing is FAR better in Eenie Meenie than it was in Baby (thanks in no small part to Kingston), the lyrics were even WORSE.

Well, I've searched two songs thus far, and I've yet to find a single line that could be considered anything CLOSE to an "epic lyric". What next, you may ask? Well... Honestly I don't know. Didn't he do a Queen cover or something?