Beauty and the Beast is one of the most bizarre comedy of errors that I've ever seen. The show is not strictly based on the classic fairy tale, as one might think (especially with the rise of fairy tales stories seen recently with Once Upon a Time, Grimm, and multiple Snow White films), but on the 80's TV Series which ran for three seasons and gained a cult following.
The original series was a re-imagining of the classic fairy tale (before re-imaginings of classic fairy tales were a thing) which set it in 1980's New York. The titular "Beast" and "Beauty" were Vincent, a mysterious cat-person who lived within, and protected, a secret underground society underneath New York, and Catherine, a District Attorney. I'll admit that I'm not super familiar with the original material, having seen only a few episodes, and having a general understanding of what the show is about, but it has a fair number of fans, both from when the series originally aired, and who have learned of the show post-internet. Also it had Ron Perlman playing Vincent, and how can you not love that?
I'm not even sure whether to make a Fallout or a Hellboy reference here. That's how awesome Ron Perlman is. So c'mon.
The point is, it was a charming show where Vincent would help people, and there was romance between Catherine and Vincent, and it was pretty good, from what I've seen of it at least. I'm sorry if I can't provide deep insight into the nuances of the original show here, but that's because I just don't know that much about it.
Fortunately, I don't need to understand the nuances of the original series to identify the many flaws with the new series. The new series features Smallville's Kristen Kreuk playing Catherine, and Jay Ryan of, uhm, stuff, as Vincent.
No, that's not the wrong picture. Those are our leads. You may notice something. BEAST IS KIND OF NOT UGLY.
Let me be clear, while this is one of the issues with this pilot, it is not the only one (or even the primary one). But yes, it is a huge issue to have the character of "Beast" look like... A guy.
So the "hook" for this is that Catherine is in school to become a lawyer (Fandom nod?) when she is witness to her mother's murder. The killers chase her into the forest, but she is saved by a mysterious beast.
Years later she's become a cop, and after a series of killings based off the works of a famous author, seeks him out to try and get in the head of-- Wait, no, sorry, that's the wrong show. Years later, Catherine has become a cop, and is forced to work with her eccentric mathemetician brother who-- No, wait, sorry, that's not right either.
The point I'm getting at is that Catherine becomes the lead in a pretty terrible procedural cop drama, and I say that as someone who really likes well done procedural cop dramas (Castle is one of my favorite shows on the air right now). After a dead body surfaces with DNA belonging to a dead doctor/soldier (by the way, there's an absolutely terrible piece of exposition about Vincent's motivation where you find out he lost his brother in the Twin Towers, OH GOD WON'T YOU FEEL SOMETHING FOR OUR POORLY WRITTEN CHARACTER?!), it leads her to discover Vincent, living not in a spectacular underground society, but in a warehouse with an Xbox and a nerdy roommate. Are you in awe?
As you may have picked up, this is really an in-name-only adaptation, which, aside from some similar character names, has nothing to do with the original show. Vincent here is only in beast form (which still has him look like a guy, but with some veins on his face, so scary) when his adrenaline kicks in, and now Vincent, who as it turns out faked his death, tries to help people from the shadows, while he searches for a cure to his condition.
Let me restate that. This is a show about a man who faked his death after a science experiment gone wrong gives him a condition which gives him super strength, but also causes him to lose control of himself, when his adrenaline kicks in (say, from getting too angry, or hurt), and who tries to help people without drawing too much attention to himself, while simultaneously searching for a cure.
That's right, this show has more in common with The Incredible Hulk than it does with Beauty and the Beast.
This show is a series of baffling choices, and I don't see it lasting more than a season. It shall not be missed.
Revolution is a new TV Series from Executive Producer J.J. Abrams (Lost, Alias), created by Eric Kripke (Supernatural), the show runner. Now, given that I loved Lost, and really enjoy Supernatural (despite itself, at times) I was rather excited for this show to debut. Now I've sat down and watched the pilot and... I didn't really like it. At all.
The plot of the show is, one day, out of the blue, all electricity on Earth stops working. Anything powered by electricity, computers, planes, cars, lights, all of modern technology and modern society is rendered useless. The show is then set 15 years later, where society has fallen apart and only begun to rebuild itself through small forms of chaotic governments, militias, who strong arm honest people into paying them taxes, and war with each other.
Now, if at any moment that sounded interesting at all, I hate to break it to you, but it's really not. The first mistake this pilot makes is by skipping over the most interesting thing it has going for it-- The world falling apart. By skipping forward 15 years we miss the most interesting aspect of the premise, which is seeing how the world would react. By the point our plot is set, the world has mostly reformed into something new, and seeing all of that happening would be a million times more interesting than simply seeing the reactions.
The next problem with this pilot is that it's incredibly predictable. I could accurately predict everything that was going to happen five to ten minutes before it did. Predicting who's going to die at the end of a scene before the scene begins, who a character really is as soon as he's introduced (as someone else), predicting that one character isn't who he seems as soon as we meet him... The result is a tedious slog of an episode. The only thing I didn't expect was one twist at the end, which admittedly was well executed, and will probably make me come back for more.
Another problem this pilot has is the characters, if you can even call them that. "Archetypes" is probably a more descriptive term. You have the brother, the love interest, the nerdy guy, the dad's new girlfriend, the bad guy (oh, and on a positive note, the actor who's playing the bad guy of the episode does and excellent job, he also plays the Mirror in Once Upon a Time), the scoundrel-with-a-heart-of-gold, and of course, not-Katniss.
Because the characters are so archetypal, you don't care about them in any way. It's a pitfall you run into in any pilot, but I want to be clear here, it's certainly possible to introduce characters in a pilot and make you care about what happens to them. Supernatural, for example, Kripke's other show, introduced, in the first episode, the two brothers, and managed to make them feel like more than just archetypes. You learned immediately how these brothers got pulled into the world of the hunters. You learned about how they were raised, how they hadn't spoken much recently, how Sam and his father had a falling out, how Dean always stuck with his dad... I don't consider Supernatural to have the best first season out there (or, indeed, even a very good first season), but you definitely cared about the two characters enough to have reason to care whether they lived or died. And when Sam's girlfriend dies at the end of the first episode, you care.
In this, however, I couldn't care less about what happens to anyone. They introduce so many characters, so quickly, that you don't understand who any of them are. That's likely a problem that can be fixed over time, by fleshing out the characters over a season, but even Flash Forward, gave us more details in the pilot about it's characters than this did. I didn't remember drunk-cop's name, but I could tell you at least one thing about his backstory (that he was an alcoholic). I don't remember lesbian-cop's name, but I could tell you at least one character trait (that she was a closeted lesbian). Instead, this one introduces not-Katniss to the viewer, but doesn't really tell us anything about her. Her entire character, thus far at least, is that we know she doesn't like dad's new girlfriend and we know she's protective of her brother. Ok. This is not enough to build a character upon. These are not personality traits, in anything but the broadest of strokes.
I don't think I can describe how boring this pilot is. Since I don't care about any of the characters, it shrugs off the mystery until the very end of the episode, and the plot is so predictable that I knew what was going to happen ten minutes before it happened, I just found the whole thing tedious. All that was left was the look of the episode and... Yeah, I guess it looked pretty good. You know. If you like watching Life After People. But then that raises the question, why aren't you just watching Life After People?
The actual disaster aftermath, and societies regrouping, is nothing I haven't seen before... You know, what, let me be honest. I don't think I liked this, because I've seen this done infinitely better before. I've played Fallout. I like Fallout. I even love some Fallout. I'll give Revolution a few more episodes, and I hope that it'll get better, I honestly do, but so far, I just want a Nuka-Break TV Series.
Amnesia: The Dark Descent is a scary game. I don't know if it's quite as scary as some of the reaction videos would have you believe, but it's pretty darn scary (Strong language, but hilarity, behind that link). I've been slowly slogging my way through it, because I hate myself I guess, but I had an experience that I thought I would share. I was only about an hour and a half to two hours into the game when it happened, but if you really want to go into the game totally spoiler free (and I'll be very vague with specifics either way) you may not want to read any further on.
I stood in Castle Brannenburg, my heart beating. I knew only that I needed to get a key to progress further. I stood in a small room, one that I knew contained the key somewhere. As this was Amnesia, my heart was pumping, and I was trying to get the key, and get out of the small cramped room. I ran through the door to the room, and saw some drawers, and two standalone closest. As I trembled through the room, I threw open the drawers, knocking several to the floor in my haste. No key. I searched around the drawers, under them, and finally decided to check one of the closets. As I threw open the doors, I heard the door to the adjacent room suddenly, and, after my heart skipped a beat, I threw the contents of the closet to the ground, and jumped in, as it was the only place to hide.
I heard the beast enter the room. As I heard its agonizing groans, I sat, still and silent, in the closet. Petrified to even breathe, though rationally I knew it would have no impact. Its footsteps were my only hint as to the location of the corporeal death which sat outside the thin wooden doors.
Step. Step. Step. I heard it walk to the dresser, and knock some of what sat on it to the ground.
Step. Step. Step. It walked to the other closet. Crunch. It tore it open. I held my breath. Step. Step. Step. It walked to a painting on the wall. Whack. It knocked the painting off.
After this came a long silence, during which I dared not even move. It was still there, it had to be. But where was it? My heart was beating like a drum.
Finally, after what felt like ages, I heard it again. Step. Step. Step. It was headed toward the door. It was leaving. It had to be. Just a moment more.
Step. Step. Step. It was still by the door.
Step. Step. Step. Something was wrong. It wasn't getting any further away. Why wasn't it getting further away?
Had I done something wrong? Was the creature never to leave? Was hiding in this closet a mistake, one which the game would punish me by forcing me to meet my own fate of my own volition? Surely I couldn't wait here much longer, the insanity would cripple me before too long, making sure I had no way of escaping.
Step. Step. Step. I finally built up the courage to peek out of my safe, dark corner. I had decided to make a break for it if I could. I grabbed the door, and pushed it open just a crack.
The creature had bugged out and gotten stuck on one of the drawers I threw to the ground.
I crept out of the closet, pulled the drawer out from under it's feet, and it ran to the door without giving me a second look. Mood ruined. I hit save and quit.
And that's the story of quite possibly the funniest moment anyone has had while playing Amnesia.
*This review is spoiler-free. The only things I will mention specifically are things seen in the trailer.*
People who have followed this blog will know that I think Christopher Nolan's Batman films are absolutely wonderful, and that The Dark Knight holds as one of my favorite films ever made. Both films had absolutely perfect casting, great direction, and great screenplays backing them, and the way the second film never gave you a moment to rest, and managed to have a running time of nearly three hours which never seemed padded even for a moment was one of the biggest achievements in comic book filmmaking.
So naturally I was very excited for The Dark Knight Rises, the epic conclusion to Nolan's trilogy. Does it stand up to the other two films, or does The Dark Knight Rises fall (HAH! COMEDY!) under the weight of it's predecessors?
The Dark Knight Rises is a very, very good movie. If you take nothing else away from this review, then at the very least take that away. The action is great, the cinematography is great, it continues the trend of perfect casting, it tries to tell an original Batman story, while at the same time taking loads of inspiration, and even plot points, from some of the best Batman comics ever written. For the most part, this movie succeeds in the same way Batman Begins and The Dark Knight did, in that it takes the characters, and places them in a grim and gritty, realistic setting.
The cast of this is absolutely phenomenal, just like the other two. Anne Hathaway is, without a doubt, the best Catwoman ever seen on screen, and I don't think she could have possibly done a better job to portray the character. Is she as memorable as the Joker from the last film? No, but that's nearly impossible. Her performance is every bit as good as Liam Neeson's R'as Al Ghul, Cillian Murphy's Scarecrow, or Aaron Eckhart's Two-Face, all of which are great, great roles.
Tom Hardy's Bane is more difficult to judge, partly because the character takes more liberties from the comics than any other character in the franchise to date, and partly because Hardy is confined to be wearing a muzzle throughout the entire film, but at the end of the day, he did a great job in the role, and the character always feels like a presence. Even when he isn't doing anything, you just feel like Hardy is standing there, with unbelievable strength being constrained. Bane also comes across as intelligent, an important aspect to making the character a legitimate threat to Batman, and not just another brute, though the complete removal of venom from his backstory seemed to betray the character a bit. At the end of the day, some may view this as one of the best parts of the movie, and others may view it as an in-name-only version of a villain who's only notable for breaking Batman's back that one time, it depends on your view of the character, I suspect, but personally I liked this version. (I should mention that I had a ton of trouble understanding what the character was saying in my theater, but I've spoken with people from other showings and it sounds like that might have been an audio problem on my end.)
The problems The Dark Knight Rises face, however, and what holds this back from reaching the levels of greatness the second film had, are an unfortunate pacing in the first half, and several gaping and obvious plot holes. Now, I won't list them specifically here, but there were four or five things throughout the movie that just irked me, and either felt like they betrayed a character, or outright made no sense. One of the great things about The Dark Knight is that, as I said above, while it was nearly a three hour film, it never felt padded, and every scene felt essential to the experience as a whole. This movie doesn't have that, even though it's longer than The Dark Knight was. The first half just feels like it takes it's time to get going, and spends a lot of time setting up the events of the second half through a convoluted plot which, while it makes for a great action scene, leads to one of the movie's biggest plot holes by the end, which a screenwriter could have solved very easily, and either cut out a half hour of the film, or given different motivation to the action scene that time filled, or even given Catwoman more screen time and development, something that would not have gone unrewarded, as her scenes are some of the best in the film.
That said, around halfway into this movie, when things start going nuts, things start going nuts, and when Batman fans like myself realize exactly what story arc the second half of the film is borrowing from, their probably going to get very excited. The entire second half of this movie is incredible, and a great ride, provided you can ignore some of the plot holes and sloppy character derailment which it took to get that far. Bane manages to be genuinely chilling at moments, especially in the second half, and if you're willing to look past a few irks, this is easily one of the best movies of the year, giving The Avengers a run for it's money.
As it is, while The Dark Knight Rises doesn't manage to match Nolan's previous film, an unrealistically high bar, it still manages to thrill and entertain, and I can't imagine a much more perfect ending to the series. You should absolutely see this movie, make no mistake.
Hello readers! (Yes, both of you!) Sorry for my long absence! It's been quite a while since my last post. 5 Months! College really caught up with me, and I haven't had a moment to spare. Luckily it's summer now, and I'll have quite a lot more spare time! I'll likely start blogging more regularly now, and I thought, what better way to start than by talking about something I really, really like? And it's a list! You're the internet, you love lists!
So, "What's 'Majora'?" I hear you ask? Well dear reader, to put it simply, Majora is awesome. Majora (the site can be found here) is a project being worked on by a youtube user by the name of MBulteau13. It is an opera, set to the music of The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, an N64 video game released in 1999. There are currently 4 Demos and a few instrumentals out, with promise of more to come. But why is it worth your time? Well, allow me to list five reasons.
1 - It's Based on Majora's Mask!
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is, in my opinion, probably the best Zelda game. (Though it's tough for me to pick between that and Wind Waker, I admit most of the reasons I like Wind Waker have more to do with the visuals, and soundtrack, while Majora's Mask has the better gameplay, set pieces, and probably is just a stronger game overall.) For those unfamiliar with the game, after the events of Ocarina of Time, Link goes to search for his fairy, Navi, in the Lost Woods, only to be attacked by a sprite-like creature called Skull Kid, who, using the powers of an ancient mask (Majora's mask, to be precise), turns Link into a plant-like creature called a Deku Scrub. Link then follows to him to an alternate dimension known as Termina, where Skull Kid has used the power of Majora's mask to begin pulling the moon toward Termina, which it will crash into in three days. Using the power of magical masks, and the Ocarina of Time, Link manages to keep repeating those same three days over and over again until he can find a way to stop Skull Kid. Basically, it's Groundhog Day, but even MORE awesome. If you haven't played it yet, I highly recommend giving it a shot. If you have a Wii it's available for around ten bucks on the virtual console, and there's rumors (and I stress that they are just rumors) of a 3DS remake being in the works.
The game is a fantastic example of game design that still holds up extremely well today. The entire game has an eerie feel to it, and a constant feeling of dread, as you slowly see the moon get closer and closer to Termina. The entire world is in a terrible state, and it's certainly the creepiest of the Zelda games. Using this setting of fear and dread as the setting for an opera is, to put it simply, inspired.
The game also already has an excellent soundtrack, as all Zelda games do, so the fact that the opera is all set to music from the game is equally brilliant.
2 - It's Still Doing It's Own Thing
While it is based on Majora's Mask, it doesn't appear that it's going to be a rehash either. According to the creatorMajora takes place in a world where Link, the main character the game, never came to Termina. It instead centers around Kafei, a minor character from the game, involved in one of the biggest and best side-quests ever featured in a Zelda game. Shortly before his wedding, the mask which would have been used in the wedding ceremony was stolen from Kafei by the thief Sakon. In this version of the story, Kafei will set out across Termina, similarly to how Link did, in search of Sakon to get his mask back. In the original Majora's Mask, Kafei had also been turned into a child by Skull Kid, but I'm unclear if that part will be kept in Majora.
Needless to say, the parts about the moon falling will still be in effect. The story of Kafei and his love Anju is a very sad and powerful one in the original game, as they are only able to reunite, if Link even does everything correctly, moments before the impact. Whether their tragic story will be as, well, tragic, here remains to be seen.
Needless to say, you shouldn't need to be a fan of the series, or even to be familiar with the game, to appreciate this opera.
3 - It Still Seems to Really *Get* Majora's Mask
But I should stress that every indication so far is that this still hits all the same notes of Majora's Mask, from the big epic ones, like an enormous royal execution, to the small, sincere ones, like a little girl singing for her sick father, to the frantic, to the frightening... Sometimes switching as rapidly as the game did. There's something about Majora's Mask that's just constantly unsettling, and that feeling is one of the greatest things about it. Even in times when you have no reason to believe something sinister is going on, there's a general uneasiness that keeps you on your toes, in large part due to the giant moon literally staring you down the entire time.
Oh yeah. Did I mention that the moon has a face? The moon has a face.
While Majora has yet to show us the moon (the demos have all been fairly simple) the demos also still seem to manage to get that same feeling across. From the frantic desperation of the Mayor in the first demo, to the sinister nature of Sakon in the second, to the... Well, watch the third for yourself.
Being both charming and innocent on the surface, yet discomforting at the same time due to something lying just beneath is not an easy thing to manage. The game managed it consistently, and was all the better for it, and Majora has so far shown that it can do the same.
4 - It Might Actually Make It
Let's be honest folks, this sort of internet project, time and time again, has shown to be a lot more likely to fail than to succeed. It wouldn't have been shocking to see this post one instrumental, put up one blog post and then never go active again.
But that's not what happened. Over the past couple months, four demos have gone up, and the progress bar on the side has constantly gone up. There have been 10 Q&A's posted on the site since the first demo went up. This project doesn't just seem like wild ambition, they could actually go somewhere. Everyone working on it thus far seems dedicated, at least from an outsiders point of view. I would love nothing more than to see this actually come to fruition, and get fully made. Everything that's come out so far has been great, and there's no sign of it stopping yet.
5 - It's Really, Really Good
Above all though, the reason you should keep an eye on Majora is that what's been released so far has been phenomenal. I shouldn't have to tell you that, I've posted all the demos by this point. Each demo released so far has not just fit the game well, and not just been a great idea on paper, it's been a lot of fun to listen to. The lyrics flow extremely well. The music sounds great, and what changes they've made (such as speeding it up from the original in demo one) have worked perfectly. I've been checking the blog daily to see if the new demo was out yet. I've listened to all of the demos multiple times by now, I've enjoyed every second, and I'm guessing I'm not alone.
If you hadn't heard of Majora before, I hope these reasons have convinced you to keep an eye on it. I know I'll continue watching the project with great interest.
(Short post tonight, just sharing some thoughts I've had about Dead Space 2 whilst playing it.)
So I played some more Dead Space 2 today. I stopped at the beginning of chapter 5. While I find the fact that the villains are essentially scientologists hilarious, I'm still a bit underwhelmed by it in places. It startles, sure, but I don't think the first act has had enough pacing to really be "scary." So far the whole game seems to be "Go down hallway. Lights flicker. Cat scare. Real monster. Ahhh." And there's not really anything wrong with that formula, it's become so common for a lot of good reasons, but when you keep reusing it over and over, it stops being very effective.
Not to sound like any more of a Valve fanboy than I already do, but the reason something like Ravenholm manages to genuinely scare, is because it manages to make you paranoid. The scariest parts of Ravenholm are not the points you're fighting the headcrab zombies, they're the points where you aren't. The points where you hear the moaning, or skittering, or maybe it was just the fire crackling, or maybe it was a headcrab and oh god there's a corpse there is it really dead or is it a zombie I could shoot it but I'm low on ammo and don't want to waste it and OH MY GOD HEADCRAB FLANKING ME WHYYYYY...
Erm, you get the idea. In Dead Space 2 (keep in mind all of these comments are restricted to the second game, as I've yet to play the first), you get plenty of ammo, and due to a very predictable routine in every few rooms, it's just... Not scary. And I mean, I'm one of the easiest people in the world to scare, I have very low horror tolerance, if I'm not scared by something branded "horror," then something is very wrong with it.
As it is, it seems to be putting a lot of the set pieces you would see in something actually scary, (a nursery, a dark room, a hospital, etc.) but because of the way it's done it's just so blatantly manipulative that, most of the time, it only makes me laugh.
Not to mention a lot of the game seems to reeeeeally want to be BioShock in a lot of places, and it's just... Not anywhere near that good. (I'd still put it over BioShock 2 though...)
But I do like the game, the zero grav stuff, what little I've come across at least, seems interesting, the game has a good visual design to it, the monsters are cool looking (although I am confused as to how a "virus" literally FUSES BODIES TOGETHER) and the way the interface is integrated is a stroke of brilliance. I might do a full review of it here eventually, as I think it's pretty alright for an action game.
Oh, and little kid zombies? Really? I'd say you're "trying too hard," but that would be like calling the Titanic a "small boating accident." *facepalm*
Welcome, to the Second Annual Wherein I Rant Awards, where I document the best and worst of everything I saw and played this year! Sorry it's been a while since the last post (and even longer since the last chapter of Murder On Deck 36, don't worry, I haven't given up on that yet, it's just on hiatus) but between school and the holidays, I've been very busy.
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Film
Best Family Film - The Muppets
The Muppets was a charming return to form for the Muppets, who haven't had much of a presence (with the exception of the odd straight to TV film, or youtube video) in recent years. Luckily the film is very self aware of this fact, and is in fact ABOUT the Muppets returning to the vogue after falling apart for years. The film is a laugh a minute film that all ages can enjoy, which doesn't have any content inappropriate for kids, but instead has jokes anyone can laugh at. The few jokes that do go over the kids heads are tastefully done, such as a certain Cee-Lo Green song performed by chickens. In fact, the high quality of humor in this film is what leads to me also giving it...
Funniest Film- The Muppets
As I said, this film contains a million jokes, nearly all of which hit perfectly. I really don't want to ruin any of them, but needless to say, you absolutely need to see this film. It's hilarious! Nothing more to say.
Best Stupidly Amazing Trailer - Battleship
C'mon! Have you seen this trailer?
They shoot giant pegs into the side of the battleship. This is obviously a film that knew it had a stupid premise, and just ran with it. This movie looks terrible, and I for one can't wait to see it.
Most Pleasantly Surprising Film - Rise of the Planet of the Apes
As I mentioned in my review, I had no expectations for Rise to be anything special. I thought it was completely unnecessary. Instead, it turned out to be one of the best reboots of recent years. Don't get me wrong, it had problems. It had many, many problems, and they showed, but not once did they keep me from enjoying the film. I saw this film twice and loved it as much the second time as I did the first.
Worst Film - The Zookeeper
The worst film I saw this year is Zookeeper. Let me preface this: It was a double feature at the Drive-In with Rise of the Planet of the Apes (I know, weird choice) and my family decided to stick around. Good grief, this movie is atrocious. There is nothing-- nothing --redeeming about that film. The protagonist spends the entirety of the film trying to win back a completely unlikable character, it's every cliche from every family film ever, and its jokes are offensively stupid.
*spoilers if you actually care, which you shouldn't*
But that's not what really makes this movie so bad. Let's set aside the complete idiocy of the main character taking love life advice from animals. Let's set aside that the movie is cliche. Let's set aside the scene where Kevin James takes a Gorilla to a TGI Friday's by saying he's come from a costume party. Let's set aside the fact that LITERALLY the only explanation of why the animals can talk is, "When did you guys learn to talk?!" "Well today's Tuesday so... Forever." Let's set aside the fact that if all animals are intelligent that means that, for the most part, they're serial killers. Let's set aside the fact that this actually has a pretty decent cast, for what it is, and yet still has terrible performance after terrible performance. Let's ignore the fact that apparently Kevin James is the only zookeeper to ever have problems with his love life. Let's set aside some bad CGI, the obvious false love interest, and the climax that I liked better when I saw it in Liar, Liar. Let's EVEN set aside the fact that Kevin James actually seems pretty happy with his job as a car salesmen in the third act, and seems very good at it. Let's ignore the fact that Kevin James apparently wasn't hurting with the ladies in the first place, since he was dating a pretty attractive woman for a long time, and had another obviously interested in him. Even if all of those things were fixed, there would be one scene that would take the cake, and ruin the film. Would you like to know what that scene involves?
Kevin James, asking a wolf for love advice because DERP DERP SHENANIGANS DERP, is advised to mark his territory. So, Kevin James starts peeing in the wolf habitat. Along comes Ms. I'm Obviously Who Kevin James Will End Up With At the End (that's a swedish name, I believe), who sees him. Peeing. In the exhibit. So he tells Bird-Lady-Chick that some scorpion or something stupid stung the wolf, and he was neutralizing the venom (I thought that only worked for jellyfish, but I'm not sure on that, so I will actually let that go.) so, she turns around, and he pees on the wolf. Fun times.
It gets worse.
After giving the wolf a bath (oh the HIIIIlarity) Kevin James goes to meet False Love Interest in an upscale bar because HIJINKS, and pees in a plant. IN AN UPSCALE RESTAURANT.
It. Gets. WORSE.
A WAITER WALKS UP TO KEVIN JAMES AND SAYS, VERY CALMLY, "Sir, we have a fully functioning bathroom," to which Kevin James replies, "Oh, yes you do." AND THEY GO ON THEIR MERRY LITTLE WAY.
THIS. MOVIE. SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS.
Best Adaptation - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Like it would go to anything else. Look, I love the Harry Potter books, this film did a brilliant job of both staying true to the material, and making it more suitable for the screen, and I loved it for it. Enough said.
Best Superhero Film - Captain America: The First Avenger
Captain America: The First Avenger was a really good superhero film, and, discounting The Dark Knight from this discussion, as I always do, it was probably the best Superhero film I've seen since Iron Man. It gave us the origins of the character, had an interesting plot, set up next year's The Avenger's very nicely, and was well executed in general.
Best Film
Honorable Mention - Super 8
J.J. Abram's tribute to classic Spielberg films hit all the right notes, paying homage to classics like E.T., but still remaining it's own film. I quite liked it.
Runner Up - The Muppets
Again, The Muppets was funny and had a lot of heart. I loved it.
Best Film - Cowboys and Aliens
Ah, here we are. An awesome action film that was everything it needed to be. Do you like Cowboys? Do you like Aliens? Do you like Harrison Ford and/or Daniel Craig? If your answer was yes to any or all of those questions, you will like this film. It blends genres together brilliantly, has great performances by great actors, and was just a really entertaining film on every level. I really enjoyed it.
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Video Games
Note: I can only play so much, so these awards only go to game I've made note of over the year during my time with them. Deus Ex: Human Revolution, for example won't be eligible for much, because I simply haven't had that much time with it. I'll also be going into more detail with each of these awards, simply because this is more of my forte.
Best Soundtrack
Honorable Mention - The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
Zelda has long been blessed with fantastic music, and The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker even holds a spot as my favorite game soundtrack of all time, and is one of the things that propels that to being my favorite Zelda game ever. While Skyward Sword isn't quite that good, it's still a great Zelda game, filledwithgreattracks, which hold a lot of personality.
Runner Up - Batman: Arkham City
Arkham City's soundtrack is everything it needs to be. Dark, brooding, sinister, and filledwithtracks that set the tone perfectly, and can't help but get your heart pumping. This is a great example of using the soundtrack to highlight the other aspects of the game.
Best Soundtrack - Portal 2
The original Portal is perhaps best known for 2 things; The questionable status of the existence of cake, and the Jonathon Coulton written surprise ending song, "Still Alive." While the cake jokes were sparse in Portal 2, and the ending song was less of a surprise, the song was of course, hilarious and grand. But that's not what nets Portal 2 soundtrack of the year. The tonally pitch perfect soundtrack, varying from techno, to melodious, to classical, to opera, without any track feeling out of place, but giving each area of the Aperture labs you visit their own unique sound, is what lets me say without a moment's hesitation that Portal 2 was soundtrack of the year.
Best Indie Game
Honorable Mention - Magicka
Magicka speaks to gamers on a level most of them will appreciate immediately: It gives me the tools to screw with my friends. One of only a few games I can throw the term "griefing simulator" around with, Magicka may be riddled with uneven difficulty, far too many bugs that slow the experience down, and other minor issues, but there's still something intrinsically fun about hopping into vent with a friend, and reducing him into a pile of red goo.
Runner Up - Sanctum
Sanctum is fun, combining tower defense and a first person shooter in a way that really gels together very well. Graphically, it's also one of the best indie games released recently, looking like a high res version of the Metroid Prime games, It's not a perfect game, but for the price, there's a lot of fun to be had with it.
Best Indie Game - Minecraft
Minecraft is a fantastic game. It ate up most of my march as I built an enormous cobblestone castle, and by the time I was done with that project, I only felt the urge to keep on going. Minecraft gives you the tools you need to make your own fun, and while it doesn't have much in the way of set objectives, it doesn't really need them either.
Best 2010 Game I Played in 2011 - Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
Brotherhood finally managed to deliver on the promise that the original Assassin's Creed showed so much of. While Assassin's Creed 2 felt like it was collapsing in on it's own weight, and had a plot that was messy and nearly incoherent, Brotherhood finally understood what these games needed to be, embraced the good, lost or trimmed the bad, and made an experience that was simply fun. As if that wasn't enough, the game also delivered a fantastic and interesting multiplayer component different from pretty much everything else on the market. The first two games are good, this one was great. Game of the Year
Honorable Mention - Batman: Arkham City
Batman: Arkham City is a game that one-ups it's predecessor in almost every way. Most of the issues the first one had, such as a disappointing third act, have been completely fixed in Arkham City. While it's arguable whether the Metroidvania style of Arkham Asylum was a better fit for Batman than the Assassin's Creed style open world, and some of the downright scary atmosphere is lost in translation, it's traded up for a dark gothic atmosphere that fits Batman just as well. Add in a phenomenal final performance from Mark Hamill as the Joker, and an absolutely astounding ending with a plot twist that genuinely surprises, and it's inarguable that Batman: Arkham City is one of the best title's released this year.
Runner Up - The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Bethesda has been working on refining the Elder Scrolls formula for years, with each game learning valuable lessons from the predecessor. In my opinion, each Bethesda release has been a step up from the last, with Morrowind being a great game, Oblivion being better, and Fallout 3 being better still. Skyrim has, in my opinion, continued that trend, showing that Bethesda has taken valuable lessons from their previous projects, and shown their work with the latest installment. Skyrim is like a distillation of all the good bits of previous Elder Scrolls endeavors, with lots of the fat having been cut out, and many of the issues fixed, and almost all having been improved in some way. A larger voice cast adds realism, and, while I was at first skeptical of a lot of the streamlining Bethesda did to the series for this installment, they've managed to make an RPG that offers an insane amount of character customization, but still knows to put fun first. Though Skyrim does tend to collapse under it's own weight in a lot of cases, and the PS3 version is supposedly nearly unplayable, many of the bugs the other versions of Skyrim face are the fun variation, like backwards dragons! Add in some of the best graphics currently out there (though muddy ground textures in some spots do depress) and you have an incredible experience, and Bethesda's best RPG yet. Now can we get that engine in a Fallout game please?
Game of the Year - Portal 2
Like I'd pick something else. Portal 2 is simply the game I found to be most well made this year. It's fun, it's funny, the puzzles are mind bending at times, it provides interesting new mechanics, while remaining true to the series core, and is simply a near-perfect game. There isn't a lot of content in Portal 2, but what is there is some of the best content produced this year, with great new characters, great old characters, great performances, great puzzles, great music, and of course, pitch perfect humor. All of those things and more make Portal 2 my Game of the Year.
