Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Love Me"

Hello and welcome to Lyrical Analysis, where I take a crappy song and eviscerate it.

Today's song is, although probably not his worst, certainly one of Justin Bieber's saddest songs. Not sad in the "oh my gosh that's so sad I sympathize with him!" way either. More in that "Wow. He's one pathetic person." way.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Love Me".

"My friends say I'm a fool"

You are.

"To think/That you're the one for me/I guess I'm just a sucker for love"

Or, judging how well some of his other songs ended up, punishment.

"'Cuz honestly the truth/Is that you know I'm never leavin'/'Cuz you're my angel sent from above"

As opposed to, y'know, that dishonest truth.

"Baby you can do no wrong/My money is yours/Give you a little more/'Cuz I love ya'/Love ya'"

Once again, Justin Bieber tries to bribe girls into loving him.

"With me, girl/Is where you belong"

"Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'"

This part becomes really pathetic in about 5 seconds.

"Love me/Love me/Say that you love me"

"OH GOD! PLEASE! I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING! I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU JUST PLEASE, PLEEEEASE SAY YOU LOVE ME! PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! LOOOOOVEEEEE MEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

...Yeah. That's all I'm hearing during this song.

"Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

Seriously. The chorus of this song is LITERALLY begging a girl to love him. How sad is that? (Hint: Very sad.)

"People try to tell me/But I still refuse to listen/'Cuz they don't get to spend time with you"

Judging from how much you're begging her to love you, I'm betting pretty soon you won't get to spend time with her either.

"A minute with you is worth/More than a thousand days without/Your love/Oh your love"

Amazing. Justin Bieber is now stealing lyrics from worship songs.

"Baby you can do no wrong/My money is yours/Give you a little more/'Cuz I love ya'/Love ya'"

With me, girl/Is where you belong/Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

And then we get repetitions of the pre-chorus and chorus again. Joy. Repetition. Of already crappy lyrics. It's like Christmas in March. If Christmas sucked. And also, was in March.

"My heart is blind/But I don't care/'Cuz when I'm with you/Everything has disappeared/And every time/I hold you near/I never want to let you go, ooooooh!"

Wow. This is like originality, only different. Seriously, these are some of the most bland lyrics I've covered thus far. They aren't terrible, but they aren't good either. That's really the biggest problem with this song, other than the fact that the chorus is literally Justin Bieber begging someone to love him. The song isn't awful, but it's just so lyrically bland there's not much you can say about it outside of the obvious "It sucks!".

With me, girl/Is where you belong/Just stay right here/I promise my dear/I'll put nothing above ya'/Above ya'/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you/Love me/Love me/Say that you love me/Fool me/Fool me/Oh how you do me/Kiss me/Kiss me/Say that you miss me/Tell me what I wanna hear/Tell me you love me"

Aaaand we're done.

I've now review 6 Justin Bieber songs. I have yet to find an "Epic Lyric". I am, however, losing my mind.

Lyrically, while it's absurdly pathetic, the song itself is more tightly held together, and doesn't just seem to meander around aimlessly like Somebody to Love or One Less Lonely Girl. The lyrics are bad, but the structure of the song is better than some of Bieber's other stuff. Of course, "better" is relative, since it's still not GOOD, by any means.

Like I said above, the biggest problem with "Love Me", other than the obvious ("OH PLEASE LOVE ME PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING I'LL CRY IF YOU SAY YOU DON'T LOVE ME PLEASE PLEASE LOVE ME OH DEAR GOD WHYYYY?") is that it exists in that area of quality where it's bad enough that I'd never want to listen to it, but not quite bad enough that there's really all that much for me to get upset about.

And in my opinion, that's the worst kind of song to talk about. Worse than "Baby". Worse than "Never Say Never". Worse even than "Eenie Meenie". Because those reviews were fun to write, and I would hope, to read. The problem with talking about songs like "Love Me" is that they exist in a musical dead zone, not good enough to care about, but also not bad enough to care about.

You see, that's probably the worst thing an artist can do, no matter what medium they're in. Sure, you can make crap, but at least if your crap is genuinely bad people will remember how bad it was. I honestly think that may be the only reason Assassin's Creed, for example, spun off into an entire series. People hated the first game, but talked about it so much, and remembered it so much, that when the "improved" second game came out, it was still fresh in everyone's mind. And it sold like hotcakes.

True, you should aim for good, whether it be in film, television, gaming, music, books, art, or any other medium you can imagine, but if you're unable to reach good and only able to reach "adequate", that means your product will only be forgettable, just like this song. I can't really call this song abysmal, because in truth? It's not. It's a lot better than "Eenie Meenie", "Somebody to Love", or "One Less Lonely Girl". But as I said before, it exists in that dead zone of being so average that there is absolutely no reason for it to exist. If I want to listen to some bad songs I can listen to "Eenie Meenie", or "Baby". If I want to listen to some good songs, I can... I dunno... Go listen to Bowling for Soup or something.

So that's "Love Me". It's not really good, it's not really bad, it just sort of exists. Well folks, we've just got one day left of Bieber Week, and tomorrow I'll be covering something that will make me even rantier than usual. Tomorrow I'll be analyzing what happens when you make a Contemporary Christian song that never mentions God. Tomorrow, on the final day of Bieber Week, I'll be covering "Pray".

And, pun intended, God help us all.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Never Say Never" Ft. Jaden Smith

Welcome to Lyrical Analysis where- Uggggggghhhhhhh which one is this? The Karate Kid one? Ugh. Fine.

"Never Say Never" was written for the 2010 version of "The Karate Kid", a phenomenal movie you should absolutely go see, despite the fact that it has nothing whatsoever to do with karate.

Also, this song, which played over the credits, was the worst part of the film.

And because I'm a sucker for punishment, let's dive right in to, "Never Say Never"

"See I never thought that I could walk through fire/I never thought that I could take the burn"

Buffy did it better.

"I never had the strength to take it higher/Until I reached the point of no return"

Oh good, this one's going to actually rhyme.

"And there's just no turning back/When your heart's under attack"

Hmm, pro tip, when you're writing a motivational song, try not to group the words "Heart" and "Attack" near each other. It's depressing.

"Gonna give everything I have/It's my destiny!"

"I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN'-" Oh forget it.

"I will never say never/I will fight 'till forever"

But MAN, once forever hits, he's OUT of here.

"Whenever you knock me down/I'll never stay on the ground/Pick it up/Pick it up/Pick it up, up, up, up, up"

Please don't waste my time, time, time, time- ...Oh sorry, wrong song.

"Never say never (x3)"

You know, for a song about not saying never, they just say it a lot.

"I never thought that I could face this power/I never thought that I could feel this free

FREE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MEEEEEEEEE... Crap, wrong song again.

"I'm strong enough to climb the highest tower/And I'm fast enough to run across the sea"

Hm... A version of The Flash with Justin Bieber instead of Barry Allen... Ehhhh, no thank you.

(Pre-Chorus) (Chorus) (That part with the pick it ups)

And then we get Justin Bieber and Jaeden Smith rapping. Joy.

"(Smith)Here we go!/Guess who?"

Hmmmmm, is it... Batman?!

"(Bieber)J. Smith and J. B."

Awww...

"I gotcha lil' bro"

That sounds dumb. Don't say that.

"(Smith)I can handle him"

Yeah, this is playing over the credits after all, didn't you watch the movie?!

"Well he's bigger than me/And stronger than me/And older than me/And taller than me/And his arm's a little bit longer than me"

Ok, I actually find that last line hysterical, only because... Have you seen Jaden Smith? The kid's tiny.

"But he ain't on a J.B. song wit' me!"

I'm sure that probably made someone jealous. Somewhere. That person is a girl.

"I be tryin' a chill/They be tryin' to side with the thrill"

Ok, can SOMEONE please tell me what "siding with the thrill" means? Because I have no clue. At all.

"No pun intended/Was raised by the power of Will"

Liar. That pun was totally intended.

"Like Luke with the force/If push comes to shove/Like Cobe in the 4th/Ice water with blood"

I'm sure that reference made sense to someone, somewhere.

"I gotta be the best/And yes we're the flyest"

Folks, I'd like to make a joke out of that, but honestly? There's nothing I can say to make that funnier. What is there to say about the term "Flyest" appearing in a Justin Bieber song? Nothing. That's what.

So really, all I can provide is this:

"Like David and Goliath/I conquered the giant"

Actually kid, he was pretty average size, you're just tiny.

"So now I got the world in my hand/I was born from two stars/So the moon's where I land"

OK JADEN WE GET IT YOUR PARENTS ARE FAMOUS! LET IT GO!

(Pre-Chorus) (Chorus) (Pre-Chorus Again?) (Never Say Never x3)

Aaaaand we're done. Ok. Well, the lyrics are cheese filled and CERTAINLY not "epic". The lyrics Justin Bieber was actually singing were awful, but that one line Jaden sung did get a pretty good chuckle out of me. I'd rate this above "Somebody to Love" or "One Less Lonely Girl" certainly, somewhere alongside "Baby" and "Eenie Meenie" in the land of being merely awful.

Next up... I don't actually know. I think I've covered his big 5 hits. I suppose I'll have to look through his discography, or find another singer to cover. Ah well, I'll figure something out.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "One Less Lonely Girl"

Hello, and welcome once again to Lyrical Analysis, where I- OH GOD THE CRAPPY MUSIC IT BURNS!

Today I'm going to be reviewing "One Less Lonely Girl". Today's is notable because as of writing this sentence, I actually have yet to hear "One Less Lonely Girl". I've got it all queued up in another tab, and I'm going to press play now.

*Time passes*

2 minutes 29 seconds in. This song goes on FOREVER!

*Time passes*

Ugh... Let's just start, shall we?



He starts the song with an annoyingly fake "Alright let's go" (trust me Bieber, I'd love to, but I'm doing this for the readers.)

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl (One less lonely girl) (x4)"

Oh joy, 15 seconds in, and already with the repetition. This is going to hurt a whole lot, isn't it?

"How many I told yous/And start overs/And shoulders have you cried on before?"

Yes, please do tell me how many I told you's, and start overs you've cried on. Please.

"How many promises/Be honest girl/How many tears you let hit the floor?"

Nothing spectacularly bad about this part, although I do have to comment that, again, like with the previous line, he starts with "how many promises" as though he's going to ask a question, and then switches to a different question entirely.

Focus Bieber, get one question out, THEN move on to the next.

"How many bags you packed/Just to take 'em back/How many either or's?/(But no more!)"

At least this one seems to rhyme.

"If you let me inside of your world/There'll be one less lonely girl"

Because Justin Bieber will no longer be lonely. ZING!

"Oh ohh ohhh/I saw so many pretty faces/Before I saw you, you/Now all I see is you/I'm coming for you"

Folks, he just rhymed you, with you, and then continued by rhyming THAT you, once again, with you.

Give him a hand folks, it takes skill to be that awful.

"No, don't need these other pretty faces/Like I need you, you/And when you're mine/In this world/There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

Do you see what he did there?! HE MIRRORED THE PREVIOUS LINE! MY GOD! HE'S A GENIUS!

...Wait no! He sucks!

"(I'm coming for you) There's gonna be one less lonely girl (x5)"

No seriously, I know I made that joke about him being a girl before, but much like in Baby and Eenie Meenie, it seems like he's setting himself up for some pretty obvious mockery with this one.

"I'm gonna put you first (I'm coming for you)/I'll show you what you're worth (That's what I'm gonna do)/If you let me inside of your world/There's gonna be one less lonely girl"

Again, nothing too offensively bad here, just dull and repetitive.

"Christmas wasn't merry/14th of February/Not one of them spent with you/How many dinner dates/Set dinner plates/And he didn't even touch his food/How many torn photographs/Saw you taping back/Tell me that/You couldn't see an open door"

Alright, this is actually the least sucky part of the song. It's not great, I'm not even sure I'd call it good, but it's certainly better than anything else in the song.

Basically, if the rest of the song were like this verse, I might not despise the song.

Aaand then we get more repetition of what I've already commented on. Greeeeat. Seriously, there's not much more I can say about the chorus. It's boring. It's bland. It's repetitive. It sucks. It has the same problem "Somebody to Love" had, of the chorus essentially being the same line over and over. So let's just skip ahead to the next verse, shall we?

"I can fix up your broken heart/I can give you a brand new start/I can make you believe/I just want to set one girl free to fall/Free to fall/Fall in love with me"

"I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!"

"Her heart's locked/And nowhere to find the key/I'll take her and leave the world/With one less lonely girl"

This part puzzles me. So he's saying that her heart is locked, and he cannot find the key... So he'll take her anyway, even though, since he can't unlock her heart, she's obviously not in love with him? What? That's kind of a depressing message to be sending your fans isn't it Bieber?

"There's gonna be one less lonely girl (x80 or so)"

And thus ends "One Less Lonely Girl". This song is just BORING. Nothing about it is memorable. It's somewhere in that dead zone, where it's not BAD enough for me to really get angry about anything in it, but it's certainly not GOOD. I hate talking about this, because there's not much to say either positive OR negative. Is it as bad as "Somebody to Love"? No. But the music is slow and dreary, the lyrics are repetitive like everything else Bieber's done, and overall, it's a forgettable song, both musically, AND lyrically.

Next up, "Never Say Never". God help me.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Somebody to Love"

Hello, and welcome once again to "Lyrical Analysis", where I decimate some poor unfortunate lyrics. It's ok though, they deserve it.

Justin Bieber seems to think "I'd" rhymes with "Mine". That's really all you need to know about this song.

"Somebody to Love" is not a Queen cover, and yes I was kidding when I said it was, and Justin Bieber is certainly no Freddy Mercury. ...Let's just start talking about the stupid song already. It's bad.



The song starts off with some strange "Gotta gotta gotta gotta" noises being sung by someone. I have no idea who. It couldn't be Bieber, the voice is completely different, but it doesn't seem to matter.

"Oh/Ohhhhh!"

Justin Bieber likes saying "Oh", it would seem.

"For you I'd write a symphony"

He never rhymes "Symphony" in this song.

"I'd tell the violin/It's time to sink or swim/March and play for 'ya"

...Violins? ...Marching?

...Am I missing some sort of common thread between these things? Because when I think marching band instrument, I don't exactly think of Violins.

"For you I'd be/Woahh woahh/Runnin' a thousand miles"

He never rhymes "miles" in this song.

"Just to get you where 'ya are/Step to the beat of my heart"

1. That doesn't rhyme.
2. I don't understand what "I'd run a thousand miles to get you where you are." is supposed to mean.
3. I also don't understand what "Step to the beat of my heart" means, but I'll dismiss that as lovey-dovey nonsense.

"I don't need a whole lot/Comin' from you I admit I'd/Rather give you the world/Or we can share mine"

First, he says "rather" give you the world. He never says what the other option is. Rather give her the world than... What? You... Never explain. Ever. That's only one half of the lyric.

Second, that doesn't rhyme either.

"I know I won't be the first one/Givin' you all this attention"

Ok, at least that rhymes. Sort of.

"I just need somebody to love!/I- I don't need too much/Just somebody to love"

Can anybody FIND me somebody to love?

"I don't need nothing else/I promise girl I swear"

That doesn't RHYME!

"I just need somebody to love/I need somebody/I- I need somebody/I need somebody/I- I need somebody"

We're quickly approaching Eenie Meenie territory here with all this repetition.

"Every day/I'd bring the sun around/slip away the clouds"

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a RHYME!

"Smile for me/smile for me"

"I would take/Every second/Every single time/Spend it like my last dime"

Hm. That's actually almost clever. Almost.

Then the chorus repeats, but it's so bland and generic, I don't think I can say anything about it. So... Next verse!

"Girl you can have it all/Anything you want/I can bring/Give you the finer things/But what I really want/I can't find 'cause money can't find me/Somebody to love!"

Really Bieber? Because it sounds to me like that's exactly what you just tried to do. Y'know. Bribe a girl into loving you? Basically this part of the song is just saying, "I'll pay you to love me because I can't buy love."

...And then the song repeats the chorus and pre-chorus for a minute forty. A MINUTE FORTY. This song is 3 minutes 42 seconds long. That means, not even counting the first TWO repetitions of the chorus, the last 35% or so of the song song is chorus! That's absurd! Let's compare that to a GOOD song, 1985 (Mild language) by Bowling For Soup. (covered by them at least... Popularized... Whatever. It's the best version.)

That song is around 3 minutes 13 seconds. The chorus is about 20 seconds long. They go through it twice at the end of the song, for a total of about 40 seconds. That's reasonable. Also, the chorus to that song goes,

"Springstien/Madonna/Way before Nirvana/There was U2/And Blondie/And music still on MTV/Her two kids/In high school/They tell her that she's uncool/'Cause she's still preoccupied/With 1985"

Now contrast that with...

"I just need somebody to love!/I- I don't need too much/Just somebody to love/I don't need nothing else/I promise girl I swear/I just need somebody to love/I need somebody/I- I need somebody/I need somebody/I- I need somebody"

Did you catch the difference? Let me spell it out for you, the chorus of THIS abomination is essentially the same line repeated ad nauseam. It would be like having the chorus to "1985" be,

"1985/Oh I wish it were 1985/1985/1985/Oh I wish it were 1985"

Do you get my point? The idea of a chorus is not to repeat the same line over and over again, it's to get across the main message of the song, in a way that's pleasant for the listener to hear. The chorus of "Somebody to Love" isn't even pleasant to listen to the FIRST time, let alone after 3-4 immediate repetitions. Even a chorus as AWESOME as "1985" has would get irritating after 3-4 repetitions in a row.

You see, the point of having verses in a song is to break up the lyrics, so it's not just the same set of lines being repeated. There's nothing wrong with a chorus, as I said it's basically the backbone of the song, but you simply CAN'T have a chorus carry on for a minute forty at the end of the song. It just doesn't work. It gets tedious and dull, no matter how great the lyrics are, and of course in this case it's even worse because the lyrics are tedious enough without being repeated 3-4 times in a row.

I think this is actually my least favorite Bieber song yet. At least the others rhymed! This is just dull, even more repetitive than Eenie Meenie, which I didn't think POSSIBLE, and just plain bad. Still nothing resembling an "epic lyric", although he did at least have one line that resembled "clever" in this song.

Next up, "One Less Lonely Girl". If it's worse than this one was, I may not survive.

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber and Sean Kingston's "Eenie Meenie"

Hello, and welcome to the next edition of "Lyrical Analysis"! Where I analyze every lyric of a bad song, and explain just what makes them bad.

We've got a whopper today folks. Today's song makes "Baby" look like it was The Beatles.

Today's song is Eenie Meenie.

Eenie Meenie is a joint effort by Justin Bieber, who we all know and (hopefully) loathe, and Sean Kingston. Alright let me get this part out of the way, I have no idea who Kingston is, but he's the more tolerable part of this song. He's not great by any means, but he's a lot better than Bieber. But I'm not here to talk about their singing voices, I'm here to talk about LYRICS! And this song has some of the worst lyrics I've ever heard. So let's begin listening to the song "Eenie Meenie".



It starts with a little intro of the rap portion later in the song... I'll cover that, oh TRUST ME, I'll cover that, later on in the song, when it's actually done all the way through.

"(Kingston)She's indecisive/She can't decide

"This song's redundant/It repeats itself"

"She keeps on lookin'/From left to right"

Well, crossing the street is serious business Sean.

"Girl c'mon get closer/Look in my eyes"

See, now THIS is the proper way to use the term "Look in my eyes". Good job.

"Searchin' is so wrong/I'm Mr. Right"

"I'M SEAN FREAKING KINGSTON!"

"You seem like the type/To love 'em and leave 'em/And disappear right after this song"

Honestly, I'm a sucker for self aware references like this in songs, even when they're painfully bad, so this was fairly amusing.

"So give me the night/To hold you and show you/Don't leave me dancin' out here alone"

Yeah... Hold you... That's what he's... Going to do... This lyric is not dirty at all... Not. At. All.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!"

Geez! And I thought the first line was repetitive!

"('Cause) Shadi (Shawty? Shoddy? Shotty?) is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

Ok, I let me knock the obvious out of the way here, EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO LOVER?! EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO LOVER?!?!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!@!@!111!!!!!!one!!!!

Seriously, this line is dumb. Just... Dumb. Eenie Meenie Miney Mo did NOT need to be used in a song. Ever. It's a children's nonsense rhyme, and they based the entire chorus- no, the entire SONG, after it.

Also it should be "an" not "a".

BUT! The point I actually really want to make here is WHAT THE HECK IS "SHADI"?!

Seriously, I first heard this term in Iyaz's "Replay" (not a great song, not a terrible song), and I thought it was supposed to be a name. Now I've been informed that it's a nickname you call a short girl, derived from "Shorty"?

...What?! Seriously... Is this going to become a thing? Because it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And I'm currently analyzing a song called "Eenie Meenie".

"Shorty" was already a short enough word, that there was NO NEED to turn it into some... Bizzare... Crazy moon language word. Seriously. This word, "Shadi", or "Shawty", or "Shoddy", or whatever... It just makes me angry. Maybe I'm alone, but I HATE this term, and it ruins a song for me when I hear it.

Anyways.

"(Bieber)Let me show you what your missin'/Paradise/With me you're winnin' girl/You don't have to roll the dice"

Wow. I haven't heard someone abuse syllables that badly since the Transformers theme song tried to fit "The Decepticons" into one syllable.

"Tell me what you're here for?/Them other guys?"

Um... Judging from everything you've said so far, I'd say... Yes.

"I can see right through ya'"

...Ok... And... Waiting for you to say the next line... What are you rhyming "ya" with? Anyone? Anyone? Song? Are you moving on? Hello? Song? Hello? Hello? Anyone? ...Ok, I guess we're moving on.

"You seem like the type/To love 'em and leave 'em/And disappear right after the song"

It was better when Kingston did it. And said "this". Not "the".

"So give me the night/To hold you and show you/Don't leave me dancin' after out here alone"

Stiiiiiiiill dirty.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!"

One, one, one, one!

...What?

"('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

Seriously, what does that even mean?! I get it's supposed to mean she's indecisive but... Eenie Meenie Miney Mo is a pretty strict way of making decisions. It's arbitrary, sure, but... Still... Unless it's literal, and she's actually making the choice of who to date by playing Eenie Meenie Miney Mo... Uhh... Red flag dude. Red flag.

"(Rapped by Kingston with Beiber joining in later) Eenie meenie miney mo/catch a bad chick by her toe/If she holla'- If- If- If she holla/Let her go (x2)"

Because remember kids, when a girl breaks up with you, grab her and don't let her go until she screams.

"('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

You know how I said the line "Are we an item?" was not helping his case in the eyes of the people who make fun of him? I don't think Justin Bieber calling a girl Shadi (Shorty) is going to help that much either.

"Cause you can't make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind/Please don't waste my time, time, time, time, time/I'm not tryin' to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind/I wish our hearts could come together as one!

MORE REPETITION?! JUST WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR! (Don't worry, we're almost done.)

('Cause) Shadi is a eenie meenie miney mo lova' (x4)"

And thus ends yet another abysmal song by Justin Bieber. Even more repetitive than Baby, and, while I do think that the singing is FAR better in Eenie Meenie than it was in Baby (thanks in no small part to Kingston), the lyrics were even WORSE.

Well, I've searched two songs thus far, and I've yet to find a single line that could be considered anything CLOSE to an "epic lyric". What next, you may ask? Well... Honestly I don't know. Didn't he do a Queen cover or something?

Lyrical Analysis - Justin Bieber's "Baby"

Hello! And welcome to the latest feature on this blog, "Lyrical Analysis"! Perhaps I should explain.

Now, I'm sure everyone knows who Justin Bieber is, that is to say, a no-talent hack. But, I've noticed something very disturbing as of late, and oddly, it's not Bieber Fever (although that is worrisome) that I find the most strange. It's the normal people, that is to say the ones who despise Bieber, who have on multiple occasion's told me they love Bieber's lyrics. These are people with musical taste I can respect, and who agree his voice sounds like that of a twelve year old girl, and yet they still somehow hear Bieber's songs and find the lyrics to be, and I quote, "epic".

I... Don't understand.

Now as I've said before, I don't know much about music. I don't play any instruments, I'm not a great singer, and most of the hit songs I've heard, I only know from Pandora, Glee, or Rock Band. I'm as little of a music buff as you can be.

But if there's one thing I pride myself on being able to examine in music, it's lyrics. I know what makes good writing, I know what makes bad writing, and I certainly know which of those two Bieber's abominable lyrics are.

So, let's dive right into Bieber's biggest hit, "Baby".

"Oh wooooah
Oh wooooah
Oh wooooah"

It's around here I start writhing in pain upon listening to his voice. I know there's nothing wrong with the song yet, I just want you to understand the pain I'm going through for you, dear readers.

"You know you love me/I know you care"

Oh great, the first two lines of the song and already I take issue with it. "You know you love me." He says. Think about this line for a moment. "You know you love me." he says. Basically, what he's saying is, "I'm so awesome, I KNOW you care about me, how could you not, I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!" (Not to be confused with Harry Freakin' Potter. Look it up.)

What a conceited way to start the song.

"Just shout whenever/And I'll be there"

Fine, this is your typical cliched "I'll always be there for you girl!" line. Whatever. It's... Fine.

"You want my love/You want my heart"

Again, another conceited "I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!" line. And I know if you're a fan of the song, you're probably trying to tell me it's not conceited, he's just stating the FACT that she loves him... Remember this line for later for me, please, please do.

"And we will never ever ever be apart"

Ugh, typical romantic cheese line. Again, whatever, this line isn't the worst thing in the world, and it's certainly not the worst line in the song (we still have Ludacris' rap to get through, don't forget.) but, much like a couple lines before it, it's cliched, and nothing I haven't heard a million times before, in much much better songs.

"Are we an item?/Girl quit playin'/We're just friends/What are you sayin'?"

Hoo boy, here we go.

FIRST! "Are we an item"? Really Bieber? I've got news for you. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. AT ALL. ESPECIALLY MEN. You know, people might stop giving you such a hard time about your voice sounding girly, if you didn't reinforce that with THE GIRLIEST LYRICS IN THE WORLD!

Second! Remember when I said to remember him saying that she loved him for later? Well read these lines. She is CLEARLY SAYING SHE DOES NOT LOVE HIM. In fact, these lines JUST MAKE IT COME ACROSS LIKE HE'S HITTING ON HER! Therefore the above lines WERE in fact him just saying "I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!"

Third! "We're just friends, what are you sayin'?" Um... Justin, how much more plainly does she have to put it? Obviously, what she's saying is that you are JUST FRIENDS! NOTHING MORE! Seriously, you know the saying that you have to be drawn a map... Well this is apparently literal. She is LITERALLY SPELLING IT OUT FOR YOU, and STILL you don't understand. So let me explain. You hit on her. She turned you down. Likely because you used the term "item".

"Said there's another/Look right in my eyes"

Hey! Bad grammar! No seriously though, what does this mean? He switched from the first person, as though he were talking to another person, straight to talking to the audience with "said there's another" wrecking any flow this song might have had... And then... "Look right in my eyes"? What? What does that mean?

Is he saying that she looked into his eyes? It should say "Looked right into my eyes" then.

If he's switched back to talking as though he were in a conversation, then he's failed by switching tenses ONCE AGAIN.

Not to mention the fact that, obviously, he went straight from "Said there's another" (Past tense) to "Look right in my eyes" (Future tense).

Literally the ONLY correct way for this line to be written is "Looked right into my eyes".

"My first love broke my heart for the first time."

It would seem his first love is some random girl he hit on, and turning him down broke his heart. Ok. Sure.

"And I was like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Like baby, baby, baby noooo/Like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Thought you'd always be mine, mine. (x2)

Mine... Mine... My preeecious... My preeeeecious... We wants it... We neeeeeeds it...

"For you I would have done whatever"

That's not healthy Justin. Seriously. It's obvious you didn't know this girl ALL THAT WELL. Honestly, you're sounding a bit clingy. Like... Really clingy.

"And I just can't believe we ain't together."

Dude! You got dumped! It's not that unusual! And, even assuming you DID know the girl pretty well, with how clingy you sound NOW, NO WONDER she dumped you! My gosh!

"And I want to play it cool/But I'm losing you"

Lost. You screwed up the tense again Bieber. It's "But I lost you".

"I'll buy you anything/I'll buy you any ring"

Because remember kids, when a girl breaks up with you for being clingy, telling her you'll spend large amounts of money on her "JUST OH MY GOD DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME OH WHY", is always the correct response.

Also, I'm pretty sure he just proposed.

"And I'm in pieces/Baby fix me/And just shake me 'till you wake me/from this bad dream."

Again, she broke up with you, begging her to "fix you" and "shake you" are not good things to say in this situation, unless you are attempting to get yourself a restraining order.

"I'm going down, down, down, down"

I have no idea what this means. ...Like... At all.

"And I just can't believe/My first love won't be around"

"WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS BREAKING UP WITH ME?! I'M JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER!"

"And I was like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Like baby, baby, baby noooo/Like baby, baby, baby ooooh/Thought you'd always be mine, mine. (x2)

Ok, I'm pretty sure this song was written by Johnny Bravo.



He is literally the only person who talks like this.

AND NOW WE HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT! The rap portion of this song is brought to you by Ludacris, who I'm told is a rapper of some sort. I wouldn't know.

"Luda!"

Apparently the narcissistic sense of self worth is not exclusive to Bieber in this song.

"When I was 13/I had my first love"

Rant incoming.

OK! SO! Allow me to place my own morals upon others for a moment. WHO THE HECK THINKS THAT DATING AT 13 IS A GOOD IDEA? Seriously! This irritates me to no end. Every single day I see young kids, FAR too young to have any interest in romance, update their Facebook statuses (which they shouldn't even have, I'm talking about 8 year olds here) with some sort of relationship change, or comment about their boyfriends/girlfriends, or talking about how cute someone is...

YOU'RE 8! It's absurd! That's too young to be dating. 13 is too young. 14, 15, 16, that's a decent age. But anything below 14 is just absurd! Now get off my lawn you darned kids!

"There was nobody that compared to my baby/And nobody came between us or could ever come above"

What the heck does "come above us" mean? I get the rest of this line. I do. I have no issues with it... But I'm puzzled by the term "come above us". Seriously. Let me know if you understand.

"She had me goin' crazy/Oh I was starstruck/She woke me up daily/Don't need no Starbucks."

Product placement! Hurrah! Justin Bieber got tons of money for that arbitrary and forced line that adds nothing to the song!

"She made my heart pound/And skip a beat when I see her in the street and/At school on the playground/But I really want to see her on the weekend"

See above, but angrier.

IF YOU ARE ON THE PLAYGROUND, YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO BE DATING.

"She knows she got me dazing/'Cuz she was so amazing"

"And now my heart is breakin'/But I just keep on sayin'"

And now we make the subtle transition from Ludacris' absurdly deep voice to Justin Bieber's... Not... Deep... Voice...

And thus, after several painful repetitions of the chorus and a few more repetitions of "I'm gone", the song is over. Thank god.

So, in short, "Baby" does not have "epic lyrics". "Baby" has terrible lyrics.

And the best part? This abomination is one of Bieber's best songs. But how should I pick which of his songs to analyze next? How could I possibly go through all of his songs and ever expect to be able to pick just one that's awful enough to top "Baby", when there's so many?

Hmm... Perhaps I should use EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO?!

Why "California Gurls" Is More Offensive Than "F*** You"

*This post, due to the nature of the subject, will contain videos with more language and sexual content than I would normally post. I will not post the explicit version of "F*** You, but there will still be mild language in most of the videos. You've been warned.*

Well the grammys were not too long ago now, and at the grammy's there was one specific song that gathered a lot of controversy, namely Cee Lo Green's "F*** You". Not only was the song nominated for several awards, but Gwyeneth Paltrow (who performed the song on Glee several months ago) and Cee Lo Green did a duet of the clean version of the song on stage, featuring muppets, a giant peacock costume, and lots and lots of bright colorful things.



Was it too far too take such an "offensive" song and make it "family friendly" by putting muppets in it? Many people asked. Was it too far to make the song in the first place? Many seem to think so, and Cee Lo has taken a lot of heat for it.

Now, let me just say here, I really really like "F*** You" and "Forget You". In fact, they're my favorite single released last year, bar none. I don't swear, because I acknowledge that a lot of people are. I prefer not to hear people swearing, and I understand why people are upset by hearing swearing which is why I certainly don't think "F*** You" should be played on the radio, but if I hear swearing, I'm not going to freak out. I'm not going to get in an uproar over hearing that a song has the word f*** in it.

Because at the core, "F*** You" is a really really good song. Listen to "Forget You", the clean version of the song. Really listen to what it's saying.



It's honestly a pretty inoffensive song. In fact, it a very good song. The music is catchy and compliments the lyrics extremely well, and the lyrics themselves aren't offensive at all. In fact, they're kind of touching. You really get the history the singer and his girlfriend/boyfriend (depending on who's singing) have, and I think we can all understand how much it would suck to have someone leave you because you didn't have enough money for them.

The lyrics bring out a lot of character, and honestly? You feel really bad, and understand where the singer is coming from, whether you're listening to the explicit, or clean versions of the song. At it's core, it is a really really good song.

And then you have "California Gurls".



Now, let me start off by saying, and I'll probably lose a lot of respect from certain people for this, but I actually really like a lot of Katy Perry songs. "Waking Up In Vegas", and "Hot 'n Cold" are both really good songs, and "Teenage Dream" was probably my second favorite pop single last year (Behind "Forget You"). But this song... Ugh.

For those who don't know, let me give a little background on Katy Perry for you. Born Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, Katy Perry, as she would later be known, started off her career as a christian singer. A rather unsuccessful one at that. Of course, then she realized she could make considerably more money by compromising any values she supposedly once had by releasing the hit pop single "I Kissed A Girl (And I Liked It)"



While I have problems with that song for a WHOLE other set of reasons, that actually did get controversy and it's not what I'm talking about today.

After a string of singles I really really did like, as I said above (Teenage Dream is a great song, and you are WRONG if you say otherwise.) she released the little song "California Gurls".

"California Gurls" is, in my opinion, far more offensive than "F*** You" is, and not because of swearing.

I think the main reason "F*** You" is taking more heat than Katy Perry's musical disaster is that we, as a society, need to learn that there are more offensive things than a bad word. More damaging things. Like I said above, I understand why people are offended by "F*** You". That's why it's not played on the radio, and "Forget You" is. However "California Gurls" is played on the radio.

Why do I find "California Gurls" more offensive? Simple. Yes, "F*** You" has swearing in it. Lots and lots of swearing. "California Gurls", however, is all about sexual innuendo and objectifying women. Which is NOT ok. Let me post a few lines from the song.

"Sun kissed skin so hot we'll lick your popsicle"

"Sex on the beach, we got sand in our stilleto's. We freak in my jeep,"

And of course the entire Snoop Dog rap,

"Toned, tan, fit and ready
Turn it up cause its gettin' heavy
Wild wild west coast
These are the girls I love the most
I mean the ones, I mean like shes the one
Kiss her, touch her, squeeze her buns.

Come on boys, hanging out
All that *** hanging out
Bikinis, tankinis, martinis, no weenies
Just to get in betweeny'
Katy my lady (yeah)
You looking here baby (uh huh)
I'm all up on you
Cause you representing California"

So basically the whole song is just sexual innuendo (most of it painfully stupid innuendo at that), and on occasion just a sexual comment with no pretense of being something else. And yet "F*** You" is considered more upsetting? How?

The key difference between "F*** You" and "California Gurls" is that "California Gurls" is completely gratuitous. Say what you will about "F*** You" being offensive, you have to admit, Cee Lo gets a lot of emotion into those two words, in either the clean or explicit version. "California Gurls" however, is just sex for the sake of sex.

Speaking of gratuitous sex, let's look at the music videos shall we?

First let's look at the music video for "Forget You". (No I won't post the one for "F*** You". It still has some language in it though, so be prepared.)



This is a GREAT music video. It goes through the life of a young boy (Cee Lo Green) as he constantly tries to get a girl to fall for him, but just like in the song, she's not interested in him because he's not rich enough for her. It's, like the song, touching, interesting, and tells us a lot about the characters within four minutes. It's certainly the best music video I saw released last year. A lot better than "Teenage Dream"'s, at least, my OTHER favorite pop song of the year (Behind this single, for those wondering).

And then we have the video for "California Gurls". (No kidding, this video contains a lot of sexual themes, and a Katy Perry wearing... Well... Very VERY little. If you're going to be offended... Don't watch it.)



Good god. Now, maybe this song wouldn't be THAT offensive without... This... Thing... The song, personally, I dislike because of the blatant sexism in it, but I won't deny it has a catchy chorus and beat. In fact, I know of quite a few parodies that I quite like because of the beat. In fact, if I could ignore the verses, I may even LIKE this song.

But then there's THIS video that's just... WOW. Where do I start? The fact that it's OBVIOUSLY trying to be a LOT hotter than it actually manages to be? The outfits? The nude Katy Perry blocked only by a cloud? The giant cupcakes being worn on the women's chests?



Yes. There's all of that. There's one sexual innuendo after another. And finally... There is this.



What the forget?

Seriously. This video, and this song, are a LOT more offensive, and a LOT more harmful to young people than anything in either "Forget You" or "F*** You". Yes, Cee Lo said a bad word. Katy Perry did THIS.

This is more offensive than hearing the word f***, to me at least. This might even be more offensive than "I Kissed A Girl"! And this, as opposed to "F*** You" is being played on the radio. Sure, they edited out a word or two, but not the offensive bits.

Seriously. This is worse than "F*** You". Get over Cee Lo, and start hating on Katy Perry! And please, not just because she wore a dress that made her look like a girl of questionable morals on Sesame Street.